The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is a not so good day. I keep replaying the last few conversations me and my ah had. It's driving me insane. What if I made a mistake leaving? What if he really was trying to make things work? What if I'm wrong? Everyday I have a storm of emotions racing through me. But mostly regret. Just 3 weeks ago he decided to get behind the wheel (once again) after he had been drinking. But it wasn't a big deal, cause it was only a couple of beers at 9am, he says. Of course he has our 9 year old son with him they were headed to pick up our 17 year old. I didn't find this out til I got off work. The youngest tells me that dad was drinking a beer on they're way to pick up brother and he fell asleep at 2 stop lights and he had to wake him up. When they picked up big brother he (big brother) noticed dad had been drinking. So he took little brother out of the car and told dad he would call grandma to pick them up. Of course ah exchanged a few unkind words to our son and left. This incident brought me to my decision. This wasn't the first time. For many years I let this happen. I feel like a fool and a irresponsible parent for allowing it to happen. But ah always convinced me that I was being over dramatic and turning something into nothing. I believed him. A little over a year ago he wrapped his truck around a light post after a couple days of a binge. He went jail and we lost everything. Now here we are again! He will continue to do this if I didn't put a stop to it. So why do I keep having this feeling that I'm wrong? What if my kids would've been in that car? What if he would've killed someone or himself? How can this person make me feel like I'm the bad guy for wanting to keep my kids safe even if it's keeping them away from they're own father??
To answer your question-- Living with the disease of alcoholism we become seriously affected by the disease. We focus on others in an effort to control the disease. We forget to take care of our needs, make ourselves invisible, discount our own opinions because we are trying to keep the peace and eventually we do not trust our own decision or feelings
Attending al anon meeting helps to restore our true selves and then we can make constructive choices.
Keep coming back The "what ifs" will change to what do I need to feel happy ?
All I can say is that I understand the second guessing that doesn't make any sense intellectually. Have you read the Big Book (I hope we're allowed to recommend it)? I read it occasionally and it helps in keeping me from going back on my decision/contacting my ex (not saying I don't slip re contact...) - even just for the few minutes I'm reading it. I have highlighted certain lines that remind me that he is the one being unreasonable, irresponsible, insensitive, and for lack of a better word - mean. I just reread the highlighted sentences over and over - even helps me sleep sometimes. Again, I'm not in the best place, emotionally, to offer strength or hope - but experience I have a lot of... From the sound of it - you did the right thing for yourself and your children. Here for you! xo
I need to pick up some books. I am going to attend a meeting tomorrow hopefully I can get one then. Until then I will try not to think too much more tonight!
At the alanon meeting there are three daily readers
You can buy. They are 12-14 dollars each or there is
a lending library. You can sign out books to Read.
My thoughts are with you! Just relax and enjoy the
Meeting. I just listened for two years and often sat
Crying. I was at rock bottom myself and there was
Only one way and that was up!
You are not alone! It does begin with ftf meetings
To break the isolation caused by the disease. You
Become accountable to yourself to start your own
Recovery journey from the disease of alcoholism.
I was in the same second-guessing mode this morning.
What if she is really trying? What if she really wants to change? What if I really am being harsh and cold and mean?
And then I think back, an consider that, at some point, I was actually used to her insisting on drinking WHILE she was driving because 1. it had become a normal thing to do in the country, 2. I was exhausted with the constant fights about it and 3. it was better than drinking first and driving second. I just shake my head at that one, now. I mean, she had dedicated "coffee" mugs for each vehicle that were big enough to fit a silo limerita! And, I was feeling so beaten down and trying so hard to keep the peace, that I stopped even commenting on this at some point.
Good for you for taking your thoughts here, and finding a meeting.
For me, my second guessing and doubts all go away when I am not near or talking to my AW. I try not to make any decisions or agree to anything until I have that space and time to think things through.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
The thing is that you're right, he might well have been trying to make things work. But without a formal program of recovery, an alcoholic can try to make things work a thousand times over and it won't make one molecule of difference.
They're more likely to think about starting recovery when they see the real consequences of their actions. The consequences of his actions is that he loses having his family around him. Because he is dangerous to his family.
And the other thing is: if he gets into recovery and stays in and works his program and achieves longterm sobriety (something that will take 1-2 years at minimum from when he starts), you'll know. Nothing is set in stone. If that should happen, you can cautiously get together with him again. Nothing stopping you.
Meanwhile, you are keeping your precious children safe, and guarding your own sanity.
My experience is that after the dust settles, living without an alcoholic is incomparably peaceful. I think you will find that peace as well.
