Lost - Al-Anon Family Group

4myboys · Veteran Member

Lost

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry that you're going through this, 4myboys.

I'm also glad you decided to share with us. Have you been to any Al-Anon meetings before? I know I found it so helpful to get in front of a group of people who just understood me. It was scary at first, of course, but once I learned they had all experienced and felt virtually the same things I had, it became easier for me to go and it has turned into a lifeline for me.

I want to assure you you have not failed. You're doing the best you can right now and that's putting yourself and your kids before his disease.

If you haven't made it to any face-to-face meetings I'd like to encourage you to get to one. You can find nearby meetings here: al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

I do understand, however. While I didn't have children, I was married to an active alcoholic who was unwilling to get support for himself and as a result did many hurtful things. I also had to eventually put myself first when I learned that he was simply never going to change. And you're right, he wasn't a bad person. Just an unfortunate caught in the grips of the disease of alcoholism and unfortunately that disease has no mercy for the alcoholic or his or her family and friends.

Keep coming back, 4myboys. We're here for you.

-- Edited by Aloha on Wednesday 18th of March 2015 01:26:48 AM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

4myboys, welcome to MIP. I certainly do understand your sadness, fear and anxiety and salute the courage and wisdom that you have used to survive this disease . Living with the disease of alcoholism is devastating for all. Recovery from living with this disease takes time and effort, but thank God there is a program that has been set up for us. It is called Al-Anon and face-to-face meetings are held in most communities. The hotline number can be found in the white pages and I urge you to check them out and attend.

Here you will find you are not alone and that many have shared the same experience and will offer you their strength and hope in order to help you recover from this disease. In Al-Anon we don't give advice but we do share our own stories and the tools that we have used to recover. By so doing, each new member can take what they like and leave the rest. It works.

Please understand that you're not alone and that there is hope and please keep coming back here. Sharing the journey is what we do.

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

I am so sorry he choose alcohol over his family and you are hurting.

YOU did a very BRAVE thing. and you are NOT a failure in any way shape or form.

In fact, IMO what you did was VERY brave and we sadly come to bravery at the end of our tolerance.

For me, telling my AH to choose between his first love (alcohol) or me was very SCARY and in some ways i wished he had picked alcohol. My work would be so much easier now. Instead I have to deal with him in his recovery affecting my recovery.

I did not have small children to protect.

YOU are so very brave.

find face to face in person meetings if you can. The kids can and should go to Al-ateen once they are old enough.

Hugs and keep coming back.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome 4myboys you are not alone.
Go to ftf alanon meetings to start your
Healing journey. That is where you begin
To break The isolation the disease causes.
You only need to listen nothing else is
Expected from you as a newcomer.

Alanon is about your healing for yourself
No matter what the alcoholic is doing or
Not doing. We get as sick as they are in
A different way. We need our own program
Of healing from the effects of alcoholism.

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome.

I echo that you are not alone. When I started to reach out and talk about what I was experiencing and how I was feeling about it, things started to change for me. My wife is still choosing the alcohol, but I am not choosing to let her choice ruin my day anymore. That, I think, is one of the biggest steps I have taken so far.

I hope you keep coming back, and I hope you try out a variety of face to face meetings. Each group has a different feel to it, and finding a home group is a very powerful thing.

LedfootJenny · Senior Member

4myboys: Today you've have made a choice that impacts your entire family and possibly future generations. Today you chose to reach out and express your sadness and look for support. There is a lot of that here.

You have not failed. You have chosen life for yourself and your children. That's what a strong, loving mom does.

When the waves of sadness and tears take over, make another good choice even if you don't feel like it... you can choose to go to a meeting, to call someone, to get online and reach out here or to read some of the AlAnon literature.

One day at a time...Hugs!

4myboys · Veteran Member

Thank you to all for the kind supporting words. This is the hardest choice that I have ever made. It's still very fresh and I feel every day that what if I made the wrong choice? I know he loves us and says he wanted a better life for us. But deep down I know as long as he continues to drink things will not change. He tells me I should love and accept him for what he is and understand his addiction. By doing so I lost all hope for a happy life. I'm scared of a life with and without him. That life is all I've ever known. I am anxious and depressed and confused. I don't want me or my children to hurt anymore. I'm having a hard time accepting that this may actually be the best choice for myself and my husband. I have been to 1 meeting and I plan on going back. But the cuts are so deep and the pain so unbearable that I may need more that meetings....

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

4myboys you are not alone. I am new to this board and to AlAnon and am still dealing with an AH while I have two little boys. I fear that this will also happen to me down the road but I think you are doing the best you can do with a tough tough situation. My AH knows what my boundaries are and next step he is out of the house. The final step will be divorce but I know now that it is out of my hands to make him stop drinking. I think you are very brave making this choice for your boys. Kids need to come first and unfortunately in many cases like this they get caught up in the mess of an alcholic family. I grew up in one so know full well what happens. I just pray that my AH gets help, sticks to it and in the long run it doesn't affect my kids. If you ever need to talk just PM me. Just know you are not alone and you will get some fabulous advice on this site.

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

4myboys, What your husband said, about loving and accepting him and understanding his addiction is something my wife says CONSTANTLY. (In fact, when I told her that I wanted to go to Alanon and read Alanon books so I could help myself, she informed me that I didn't need to do that, since she had all the materials already. I discovered that her books were all related to stopping drinking without AA, and not at all remotely related to the topic of me getting myself help with Alanon.)

Here is what I found to be true for me: when I reached out to alanon and began using the tools, that is when I really began to understand her disease for what it is. For me, not using my tools caused me and her pain and suffering because I was a willing passenger on her roller-coaster of addiction. And, the greatest way I can show that I love and accept her is to not engage in the disease-initiated behavior. When I began to detach, reach out, ask for help, and practice using my tools, things began to change in a positive way for me, and because I changed the only thing I could control, myself, she also had to change. (One cannot throw a dramatic alcoholic temper tantrum as a way to verbally beat one's spouse into submission / agreement if one's spouse has physically left the room and is no longer listening.)

(((hugs)))

It does get better, and it does get easier. I attend A LOT of meetings, and I come to the boards multiple times a day. This is what I need to do for myself to help myself stay sane and strong. We all progress at the pace that is right for us. I wouldn't feel bad at all for setting this group as my browser homepage.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I made that decision too after about 20 yrs. Best decision I ever made. I realized it was me that needed saving, I had given up myself to be the martyr, mother and fixer to a grown man.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

also, I learned alcoholism is a disease, and was never a choice between drinking or me. That thinking made me a victim and him bad.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Hi 4myboys -
I relate so much to your plight (check out my thread: alanon.activeboard.com/t59403720/please-help/). I was not married yet, nor do we have kids, so I can't even imagine those elements on top of what I am going through. None of it makes any sense. How could they choose a substance over the people they love? I have no clue... That is a big reason why I am on this site (the other big one being that I have nowhere else to turn after my best friend/ex changed...). Anyways, I understand you and am here for you.
xo

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.