The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, Monday. I remind myself first what I said about the reading this morning. I cannot expect perfection from myself, and steps in the right direction are successes. I also cannot expect perfection from my wife, and steps in the right direction, like not drinking over the weekend, are also successes. And, I recall hearing and saying many times that it is pointless to ASK someone if they have been drinking when I already know this to be true.
I called my wife tonight at 8, when I was leaving my second job. She likes to know when I am on the road because of the long commute and our old, unreliable vehicles. (We used to have 3, because then we knew we would have at least one that would start. We are now down to 2 after the car accident.) I thought to myself, hmmm. She sounds a bit off. Oh, well. She is probably just tired and hungry.
When I got home an hour later, I found her passed out in bed, half dressed, wearing a t-shirt from her favorite bar, a dog with her, and baked beans boiling/burning on the stove.
I checked our account, and she had apparently walked to the credit union, deposited my check that came in the mail today, taken out $20, and done something with it. (She claims, after getting sick in the bathroom and staggering about the living room, that she got burgers for the dogs at A&W with the money.)
So. Now I am faced with one of the boundaries I set. I told her that the joint account is for household bills, and that I always discuss with her any money I take from that account for anything, no matter what it is. I do not touch the account without talking it over with her, even though I am the only one working now and the only things I spend money on are bills, groceries, etc. I told her that I expected the same respectful conversation from her before she takes money from the account. I said I would give her $100 each month to spend on whatever she wanted, but that is really more than we can afford, so she has to stick to that. I also told her that I would be changing the location my check is deposited the next time she touches the account without discussing with me.
Well, I said it. I meant it (at the time). Now, I have to follow through with it. Changing my mailing address with the second job and changing the direct deposit with the first job is going to be the easy part. The conversation with my wife, including the hysterics and temper tantrum, is what I am dreading. I know this is the right decision. It is just not a great time for me to deal with the related drama. On the other hand, when WOULD a good time be?
Ugh. She has told me many times (this isn't the first conversation we have had about the account arrangements) that she feels like I am trying to keep her under my thumb, and that a marriage isn't honest without a joint account, that I am trying to financially control her. But, I clearly cannot trust her to leave the money in the account where it should be. And, I have never seen someone get so sick when they spend money on burgers for the dogs. Giving her access to the money is hurting me, because now I am going to be short on my gas money for the rest of the month, and it is hurting her, because it enables her to purchase alcohol with it.
That sure was some dedication, though. She had to walk 7 miles to town to deposit the check and get her drinks, then the same distance back home. I didn't find any bottles in their usual hiding places, so I can only assume she must have staggered home in this condition as well.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Oh boy. The lengths to which they'll go is just staggering. I bet we all have a similar story.
They do try to control us with hysterics and reactions. It's a way of trying to discourage our boundary-setting and just let the addiction continue.
And it will be the addiction fighting back. You already know she's willing to walk 7 miles to get one fix. Having the ready money removed will no doubt make her desperate. She will fight tooth and nail for you to give her that money back so she can feed her addiction.
In ordinary circumstances, I'd tend to agree that restricting her access is controlling. But this impacts you so that you're short of gas money! You do need to protect yourself and keep your finances safe. So it is your healthy protection vs her compulsive addiction. When people's backs are against the wall, they'll resort to desperate measures to keep that addiction going. Boy have I been on the sharp end of that.
Keep taking good care of yourself. It's a hard situation, and a sad one.
When I came to realize that the program was my own and only for me and that it was for me to build the right life I was supposed to be living I put it in action. I was supposed to be living that way without excuses. It was hard and my alcoholic addict had her habits which were entrenched which she needed to practice in order for the disease to grow and flourish as it wishes. This is what is meant by the disease continuing to grow toward insanity and death. I could not enable that to continue by my own hand and so I learned to STOP!!! and I stepped out of it all. I turned it over to God as I understood God and plowed my self into Al-Anon full time. I got my life back and she did also. The second stone was for me to change the things I could. ((((Hugs))))
Skorpi, i thinkmthe way your taking responsibility for your words is great, your not just talking the talk. Its scary following through with the boundaries at first. The alcoholic uses the hysterics and drama as a way to control us and each time we give that behaviiur value it gets worse. This is your chance and your higher power will give you this opportunity until you get it right. You know what you have to do. Whats another ridiculous tantrum? Really, no different from the next of last. See it for what it is, a control tactic. Her meqningful words are not meaningful skorpi, they are weapons in her toolkit that keeps her disease alive. Put your armour on, do what you have to do, the right thing for everyone and dont listen to a single qord of ahuse. You can do this. Whats the alternative?
I don't think it's controlling as long as you have discussed it already and told her it would happen. The discussion with her should be short and sweet. Her taking money and leaving you short gas money is hurting both of you since she doesn't have a job.
If she is going to act like a teenager, she needs to have teenage boundaries.
This is such a hard day. I was already down half my usual paycheck from my part-time job because I lost work time after her car accident dealing with all that stuff. Now this... $20 doesn't seem like a lot, but with a 2 hour commute each day, on top of hospital bills and towing fees, it really is. I think I have enough gas stashed in the gas can in the shed so I will probably only have to miss 2 days of work at the end of the month, if anything at all. At least I have the vacation time to cover it. And, hey, I could use that time to work on my thesis, right? I'll just call them my footnote days.
I was up all night listening to her being sick, checking to see if she wanted me to or I needed to get her to detox, and cleaning up the bathroom. (If closing the door and leaving the mess for her to deal with was a viable option, believe me, that is what I would have done. Unfortunately, she isn't the only one who needs to use that bathroom...)
I told her this morning what condition she and the house were in when I got home, and told her that she had been vomiting blood (which she had been). I reminded her that the doctor at the hospital said that she has got to stop, because she is killing herself. I also told her that I was not going to stay with her and watch her drink herself to death. (I already watched a life partner die of cancer, and I am not going to stand by and watch my wife kill herself with drink.)
I didn't say I was leaving or when, because I am not ready to make that decision yet, but I cannot watch someone I love pick drinking and death over sobriety and life. And, I know it is the disease making that choice, but it doesn't make my position any easier.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Stay strong, we are all here for support! It sounds like you are doing everything right, you are creating and standing by your boundaries and I'm so proud of you.
It is so hard sometimes to know where to draw the line and set the boundaries. On one hand, she has to be the one admit she is powerless, and she has to work her own program. On the other hand, how do you know "how much blood" in her vomit is "too much" and if her health is in grave danger? This disease is so destructive...and it is terminal without treatment.
I applaud your strength today - because you are absolutely right. You lost someone you loved deeply to a disease and you were both without any choices to change it. Your wife however is choosing death - and you are not required to participate in that. Here you have real choice.
My wife is very apologetic for the entire event now, but still not ready to take any steps toward recovery. She is "signed up" to start a treatment program through our HMO, but can't begin until late April. (I do believe that this is more of a response to the DUI and needing to look good in court, but who knows?) She reminded me of this again, and how powerless she is to get help sooner. I just mentioned that it might be worth thinking about how she can take action to begin her treatment sooner, because it seems to me that waiting until there is an opening for her is not really getting her the help and support she says she wants and needs. The conversation ended there, since her ability to start treatment sooner is, naturally, completely outside of her control, and there is no way she could begin earlier.
I am counting it as a major victory that I didn't hand her a list of AA meetings or bring up AA yet again. She knows about AA. She knows where to get the info online. She knows where and when the meetings are. She has to take the step to go to one if she wants help.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
The more you set boundaries, the more she will amp up the drama. It is also likely that you will gain more self-esteem and your codependency will lessen through this process. At that point, you may question more why you ever put up with her unacceptable behaviors and if you are willing or wanting to continue. Alanon is challenging and scary at times. For me, I knew that the more I worked on myself, the less compatible I would be with my emotionally stunted, manipulative, and childish alcoholic partner. I hesitated, took some baby steps, and sometimes sabotaged progress almost always because I feared being alone, thought I deserved to be treated that way, didn't feel good about myself, and I was subconsciously allowing a relationship with a manchild to continue because it made me feel needed. I honestly believed my A needed me to live when facts really were pointing to our relationship being toxic and both of us getting less healthy. I also clung because I was raised to believe relationships are work and I should make every effort possible to save my relationships. That turned out to be unhealthy and it kept me hostage in abusive relationships. Relationships are not supposed to be so heartbreaking and challenging. Also, knowing I am free to walk away (even though I am married now) from my current relationship and so is my spouse...this allows me to CHOOSE this union amd to enjoy it on a daily basis. Neither of us need this relationship. We want it.
Scorpi, I have seen much progress in you. I know that questioning yourself and this relationship is really scary. Keep moving forward and work through your fears. I wish I had told myself back then that no relationship is worth wrecking my finances, well being, and allowing myself to be manipulated and stripped of my confidence. Not telling you to leave, but I absolutely am encouraging you to keep moving forward and not get scared as you come to realizations such as "I don't deserve to be treated like this." The more your boundaries, self-care, and self-love outweigh your fears about losing the relationship, her destoying herself, or you being the only thing stopping her from dying, the more you will have freedom, peace, and serenity. Your wife's alcoholism sounds tragic and far progressed. It's to much for you...Give it all to your HP and keep working through your fears. Your wife has her own HP (even though she has her back turned on it right now) and you are not, cannot, and will never make a good hp for her.
I know some of this is emphatic and a little preachy, but you are working so hard and are like a sponge (as elcee stated). Take this esh however it may help you.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 18th of March 2015 05:58:40 PM
Thanks, Skorpi, for posting about this. I got so much e/s/h from all the posts in this thread. Especially pink chip's post, which echoed the thoughts ands feelings racing through me these days. It scares me, too, but forward is the direction in which I'll keep moving.
Thanks, Pinkchip.
I have wondered for a long time why I put up with her behavior. For a while it was because I didn't have a job, for a while it was because I didn't have a place to go with the dogs, and most of the time, it was because she kept saying how much she was struggling to change, and I really do love her. I wanted to give it a chance.
I was in a very positive relationship before, and it was nothing like this, even considering the language barrier and cultural differences.
I have been alone before, and I actually really like it. It does get boring and lonely at times. I think, like you, I was raised to believe that relationships are work and supposed to last. If both people want them to work, and put in the work, then they can make it. I have spent years stubbornly putting in my all to this relationship, and some point along the way I noticed that I feel that I get more consistent support from the dogs and cats. Hmmmm. (And by support, I mean consistent behaviors and showing up to snuggle at regular times. Not the kind of support that I would expect from a human.)
I think I finally got to the point where I exhausted all ideas she had about how to deal with her disease, and I tried all my own ideas of how to help her deal with the disease, and I firmly proved to myself that none of these things worked or helped at all - they just made things worse. Every plan she said she needed in order to succeed, every thing she thought she could do to deal with this backfired. And, after so thoroughly and devastatingly proving to myself just how ineffective any of her or my ideas and plans were, I was desperate for something that worked. Alanon is not easy, and it is scary at times, but it does work. I can tell, because my sense of humor is coming back. And, I do not let my wife's behavior ruin my day anymore.
One challenge I am dealing with now is that she tends to try to "discuss things" with me in the car. Well, with an hour commute and no public transportation system available, I can't walk away. So, I have taken to just not responding at all to her in the car. If I don't respond to the bait, I can avoid the "discussion." (This morning, I messed up and tried to explain that I do not have a spring jacket and was therefor not wearing one, which is BS, I was informed, because she KNOWS I have a ton of them, and even if I don't, she has a ton of them, and so I don't need any. I can just wear hers. I was really successful with not engaging int he conversation about how I should park the car illegally by my office to bring my stuff up and then find a nearby 2 hr parking spot and move the car every 2 hours throughout the day so I don't have to walk the half mile from the free all-day parking.)
I am just wondering: What is it that she gets out of these "discussions"? Why even bring them up? Why bother to try to dictate how I get my lunch and work bag into my office in the morning? And, I am the one without the jacket on. I am the one who will have to face the chilly morning air without a jacket.
I wonder if it is a control thing, or a way to beat down my self-esteem, or make me feel incompetent. (Clearly, I am not capable of deciding how to best get my lunch to my office int he morning.)
But, I guess it really doesn't matter WHY she finds these conversations so necessary. There is nothing that I can do about her thought process and her desire to have them. I can only control how I respond and engage or don't engage. I am thankful that I see them for the inconsequential things they are, now, and don't let them ruin my entire day. I am also very thankful that I don't spend my day stressing about what she will say or do when she finds out that I didn't follow her "advice".
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Hi Skorpi, thanks for your clarity and honesty. In reading about the discussions that your partner likes to hold in the car, skorpix.orI was reminded of the efforts. I once made to control another.
I could not focus on myself because it was too scary, so I decided to focus on everybody else and try to control their behavior and their lives. By doing this , I convinced myself incorrectly, that I was helping them and being self-sacrificing. At the same time, because I was not taking care of me,my life was neglected . This was very distorted thinking due to living with the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon taught me to keep the focus on myself, allowing others to live and let live and to treat everyone with courtesy and respect.
What I see your partner doing in many different situations is attempting to live your life.instead of her own.
By being gentle and keeping the focus on yourself, and consistently validating yourself and your own ideas and responsibilities without engaging with her ideas would work. For example, when she suggested you park in a different place, etc. all you need to do is say I hear you, but I prefer to park where I have so that I can get some exercise and walk to my office as that works for me. The more I learned to validate my choices, and my ideas without engaging or defending them. I was able to then change the focus of the conversation on to a different topic and that worked. You're doing great. Keep coming back
