The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've decided to post on here on the urging of my ex-girlfriend telling me I need Al-Anon.
I am a musician, working fulltime in the music business. I got sober almost four years ago now.
It wasn't easy. I am surrounded by alcohol and people smoking weed and occasionally taking cocaine and E.
One of my bandmates suffers mood swings as a result of his smoking. These have gotten worse over the years and yesterday
I was the subject of one of these rages, right before we had one of our biggest shows. He called me up swearing down the phone,
I was on my way to the venue we were to play in, I had a family member beside me, I told him ' First off, you need to watch your mouth ' to which
he lost even more control and continued screaming down the phone and then hung up. I alerted my other band mate and manager of this and told them both,
' I will not be taking this, this is a huge show we are doing tonight and he wants to attack me like that? If he arrives here and starts at me with more rage I will not be taking
it '. But he arrived and nothing was said. We pretty much ignored each other, went onstage, bad vibes all around. My other bandmate was upset with the fact that he'd pull this on
a day like the day we had ahead. We are very successful and have been very lucky. But he is an addict. I can try and lessen it as much as I like, but he is. His mood swings and
rages are well known by all of the people around us, the difference being that I'm not taking it. And now I have to go and travel Europe tomorrow with us all. My Management have
said they will sit him down later in the week but to just put my head down and continue with work that we have ahead. It's hard to do when there is animosity, bad vibes and a rageful
person looking for somewhere to dump it. His reason for phoning me up like that is so silly too. I was invited by a well known celebrity to his store last xmas and so I took him up on that offer
and it seems I broke some sort of code because my bandmate is involved in some business with him and that I am going to f*** that up now???
Maybe some of this sounds familiar to someone out there, I don't know. I have been to 1 alanon meeting and related to a lot.
My Dad drank heavily as kids, I witnessed all the mood swings, up and downs, my Mom was the peacekeeper. I then became a problem drinker myself but I knew i had to change it
and I did and I go to AA as often as I need to.
The reason I write here is, how do you not be affected by someone else's mood? When they are directing all this rage toward you,
or if you walk in and they start shouting and screaming?? It's very easy saying ' Detach ' but when it's right in front of you, what do you do?
And my sponsor said ' It's not about you ' but yet it's you who's on the other end of the phone receiving this rage.
Everyone else in our work environment is afraid of him.
I was years ago, I am not anymore and I won't let anyone talk to me like that,
I will either hit them, or leave the room.
Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
J.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 15th of March 2015 05:12:47 PM
To detach means, whenever someone elses behaviour is unacceptable then we say i wont listen to you if you speak to me that way, and you remove yourself from thejr presence. You just dont engage with it at all. You leave the room, hang up the phone. The important bit for me is not letting anyone else dictate and control my moods or my behaviour. If you react by hitting him then hes controlled your emotions and your behaviour. Its hard at first but if you practice it gets easier.
Hello need to learn how, welcome to Miracles in Progress and congratulations on maintaining your sobriety.
Learning how to interact in a painful, negative situation was one of the big gifts that Al-Anon gave to me. By practicing the Steps, I learned who I was, what I needed, and how to validate my own needs without hurting others. I also learned to keep the focus on myself, stop blaming, criticizing and judging others and to place principles above personalities.
All of these lessons and tools enables me to detach emotionally from a situation, and understand deep within that this anger and resentment has nothing to do with me and is all about the person who is in a rage. I can examine my part in the situation, own it, address it and move on. I do not have to have it ruin my serenity or piece of mind.
For years I carried around a Q-tip to remind myself of the slogan to; "Quit Taking It Personally". If you have grown up with the disease of alcoholism, Al-Anon program and tools will be of a tremendous help to you in all your experiences. I do hope you'll find the time to keep attending face-to-face meetings as you are worth it
Congratulations on your sobriety, and on the maintenance of it. It is very hard not to be affected by someone else's mood, especially someone like a bandmate that you grow close to over the years. However, really our only choices in these kinds of situation are to either be able to handle their moods, or separate ourselves from their moods. As hotrod said, a very effective tool is QTIP, Quite Taking It Personally: if it weren't true for so many things, it wouldn't be an Al Anon slogan! So, as your sponsor said, it's likely not about you.
If your management company is unwilling to do anything about it, and I'm not sure what they could do anyway, then you will be forced to do something about it. You have little control over the other person, so it will become all about your actions and what YOU are willing to do - whether that is detach, separate yourself temporarily, or separate yourself permanently.
having been around so much alcohol all your life, and still now being in the midst of addiction, Al Anon would be a good idea. And keep coming back here too!
Yes, they are like an insane person. If someone came up to you on the street and said, "Aliens have taken over your head, they are purple and they have antennae!", almost certainly you wouldn't say, "You can't treat me like this! Take that back or I can't take it any more!" You'd think, "This person is not rational, he is not in control, his craziness is operating independent of anything else." You might even think, "Poor guy."
Your bandmate is like that. He has been taken over by the drugs. People on a substance do literally insane things. They are not rational, they are no longer in control, and their craziness is independent of anything else. Even if he is swearing abuse at you, it's no more rational or personal than him talking about purple aliens in your head.
When we're confronted with anger, there's a thing called "emotional contagion" that means we tend to respond with anger. (This goes for any emotion: if you're around someone who is very happy, you tend to get happier; if you're around someone sad, you feel sadder, and so forth.) It takes some awareness to short-circuit that "contagious anger" because it's a hard-wired response. But when we reflect that it's just anger that's like a weird out-of-control drug-induced emotion, we can realize that our own anger doesn't have to be real anger any more than the drugged person's anger is "real." (They are really feeling it. But it's not about anything in the real world.)
It takes practice. It sounds, sadly, as if you will have the opportunity for a lot of practice.
But you have your wits about you and you're getting support for this incredibly challenging situation. That guy is out of control and couldn't get help for finding his own way out of a paper bag. Your life is so much better. Hang in there.
Thank you Mattie for your reply. I really appreciate you guys taking the time.
I realise I need to learn as much as I can about Al-Anon. I didn't realise there was so much
I could learn from it.
So thank you for introducing me to some very new concepts!
Time for me to pray !
I can relate to much of your post. I am a musician as well and have been surrounded by what you have described. In addition to going to meetings, readings, working with a sponsor-- the concept which has helped me most when an A is spouting off is to remember that it is the disease doing the talking. That has helped me a lot when dealing with my exAH and some rants on his end. Remembering this has helped me with compassion for him and kept the personal (as your sponsor said--not about you) out of it.
