The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
All has been right with my world today. I woke late (daughter is away this weekend). Did 2 assignments over coffee and then a bit of housework and then I remembered my self-care commitment so I got into the bath (believe it or not, I have been in this house for 6 weeks now yet this was STILL my FIRST BATH IN 5 YEARS!!! I'm not even joking). I put the laptop a safe distance away and watched shows while I soaked and gave myself about 10 different facials. Heaven. Then I took the dog for a drive looking for a new place to walk and we met a really nice woman with 2 huskies. She and I hit it off and she invited me to join the local husky club. Oh yes, I think I surely will do that!!! They team them up and race sleds, Bowie will just LOVE it although from what i gather its just a big laugh as we dont have snow and he dogs arent bred or trained for it really. But they still do it instinctively, they love it so that just sounds like a great deal of fun and a brilliant way for me to meet people near me. Yay!
OK so here's the best bit. The next door neighbor wants to buy my old car. Remember I was a little sad about parting with it, as it is my first car and symbolises a lot for me....well, he wants it for his country property, for loading up with firewood and stuff. I can't help giggling, I was worried about my old beast going to the wrecker and being destroyed but instead it's being retired to a farm...like a beloved old horse!! There's just something so poetic about it, I can't stop giggling. It's a nice ending to that story
Anyway it's been a lovely day and I am grateful for it!!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I love this post, full of gratitude. Your self care committments, great way to put it, it is a committment, sometimes i lose sight of that part. Glad you enjoyed your first bath in years, lol. Baths are great for meditation but im a shower girl myself. In and out within 5 minutes.lol.the fact you are open to new experiences, dog sledding, is living life fully in my opinion. Glad your car is in retirement too. Thanks for sharing.x
I saw a show one time that they train the dogs with sleds on wheels during the off season...so maybe they do really race on sleds. Yep meeting people is a great step in recovery...
((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It's a Hyundai Lin, kinda cornflower blue
I'm quite smitten with it.
And you're right, I might not have had such a nice day if I had allowed him to come over.
I found it sort of educational to watch myself shift from confident and happy to unsure, clingy, sad and exhausted when he stayed with me. I've been really mostly pretty happy since, stuff surfaces every few days but I am finding I work through it and feel better afterwards. I don't want him to come here, I really don't want to feel drained and confused anymore and that's just how I am around him, I'm getting to a point now where I think about how it was, the constant stress and fear, always having to answer to someone else, never being able to relax and it doesn't seem real, did I really live like that for almost a decade? A lifetime really, my marriage wasn't much different, or the relationship before that...I grew up walking on eggshells, always hating the angry controlling people I have clung to but too afraid to be away from them.
Like I lived in a prison cell for almost 40 years. It wasn't locked, but I pulled the door shut and pretended it was because i was too scared to go outside. Then one morning I woke up and someone had come and taken away the walls while I was sleeping and although I kicked and screamed for a while it turns out, freedom isn't scary at all. It's kind of fabulous.
Today wasn't the best of days. For some reason I had constant nagging anxiety and I jumped from one made up worry to the next all day...it began when I woke up early and couldn't decide whether to get another hour of sleep or get up, would I be tired later? So I compromised and lay in bed worrying about it for an hour. Then I drove to the train station and the carpark was full, so there is an adjoining paddock where people park when proper carpark is full. So the whole day I was worried about parking my car there, and in between worrying about that I worried about how on the weekend I have to go back to my old town and I might run into ex landlady and have to have a confrontation, and then I worried about an appointment I have on friday with the student allowance people and then I worried about whether my daughter had remembered her keys today and eventually I left uni early and went home so I could get my car and stop worrying about it and then I worried all afternoon about whether my teacher would be displeased when she saw me sneak out half an hour early. It was ridiculous, I just jumped from one made up disaster scenario to the next!!! So everyone has a bad day I guess and I think I am low on sleep so thats easily fixed but what amazes me is I used to live like that. ALL the time. If I was awake, I was worrying at something. That is just mind blowing. Any wonder I was always exhausted!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I can relate mel, sometimes i think i was addicted to my ex, the hormones or chemicals, im no expert, but being with him in that prison provided my body with something and when i didnt see him i got withdrawals, a bit brain fog, anxious, moody, etc and even though logically i didnt want to see him and even kind of dreaded it when i did see him i got some peace within the chaos if that makes sense. I was comfortable in the negative, it was home. Now, its the opposite, sometimes i can get a bit of a small rush when im in his company for the first few seconds but then he opens his mouth and im back home in my peace knowing i dont need to listen to him for long. Its like habit, addiction, comfort zone and i suppose logically, having spent years in one state, getting the same fix over and over to remove the fix and be clean is going to have a bit of discomfort really. Ps, not sure why but your list of worries gave me a wee laugh, its the way ya tell em.x
