The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
My husband just got out of the hospital 3 days ago for alcohol withdrawals. He was withdrawing from alcohol because he goes through detox at home. He was experiencing DTs for the first time in his life. It was scary and I almost had to commit him to psychiatric help. Anyway, we've been doing well for 3 days, but then today has sucked. My AH was depressed and wouldn't talk to me for hours. Finally I told him how I felt. I've been overwhelmed and I needed him to be understanding, emotionally available, and comforting to me. I need him to hold me and listen to me cry. I guess all of the stress overwhelmed him and he says he needs to drink. I start crying more intensely, and I'm scared he's going to start all of this drinking and withdrawals and DTs over again. I am so done with all of this. I don't know how to make boundaries. I want to be with him so bad but he's drinking all the time. I resent him for making me feel this way. I feel crazy. I'm entitled to happiness, but I feel he should want to give me that happiness. I'm so codependent and feel awful. I can't stop crying, I can't stop feeling like a victim. I deserve happiness and I need it. I don't want to be this emotional wreck.....
I'm so overwhelmed.
__________________
Marie McD
"You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it."
Hello Maria , I certainly understand your concern and fear. Living with the disease of alcoholism is certainly unsettling and since we are powerless over the disease in another, it is extremely important for us to find a recovery program for ourselves and put our energy into our own recovery where we have power.
Al-Anon has face-to-face meetings in most communities and the hotline number is found in the white pages. In Al-Anon I learned to break the isolation caused by living with the disease, receive the understanding, empathy and support I needed from those who truly understood. I also would given new constructive tools to live by.
Alcoholism is a disease that means while active in the disease they are emotionally unavailable. My ex ah never had it to give either. Ive heard it said that looking for your needs being met by an alcoholic is like going to the hardwear store for a loaf of bread. Its a good metaphor, i spent 20 years in that shop searching about and never ever finding what i was looking for. Sometimes i got a little bit of som ething that i interpreted as love and caring but it wasnt the real stuff, it couldnt be. Its good you see this is your own problem. I learned i was codependant too but after about 6 months in alanon i mostly wasnt any longer. Now, im in c harge of my happiness and meeting my own needs and im pretty good at it. 100 times better than any other person can be.
Marie, your relation to alcohol seems deep in what we address in our first step - life becomes and is unmanageable. Many of us here have experienced that insanity and now have experienced serenity in spite of the horrible circumstances that some of us are in.
Please see if you can find a face to face meeting, or check out our online meetings. And keep coming back here for support.
ive been THERE.. So first im sending you lots of cyber hugs!!!! the other posts were right. He is emotionally unable to give you the type of support and understanding. To make an example,if u both were drowning...he wouldnt be able to save himself much less you..However, you would find the strength to save yourself. this is something you wont realize for awhile but with alanon[attending on line,in face to face meetings and reading alanon litrature] you will learn that you can pull yourself out and also benefit from your higher power.
Hope and change for yourself is possible. The A has to decide his or her own path. I can tell you that I was absolutley miserable with my A spouse. A year and 3/4ths in alanon has made a world of diffence for me. My A remains the same and possibly worse. Today was our mutual day off. I used to have the expectation my A would want to spend some time with me. Years and years went by and guess what? My A does not want to spend time with me. I had a very nice day doing things for and about me. I had an hour long phone call with my sister. She lives with an A also. I watched a taped TV show with my two little dogs. I got lots of things accomplished and I had very little stress. I feel good. I'm ready for the work week to start tomorrow. I spent 20 some years in misery. No More! Lyne
