My mother drove here yesterday...in my new car!! It's so much newer and shinier than I imagined, it has barely been used by the previous owner. I was almost in a bit of shock when I first laid eyes on it, I've never owned anything new and nice before really. Haha, yes, me who doesn't want or value posessions...but it's nice. She handed me the paperwork and she'd also paid a years insurance and roadside assistance, plus she handed me a cheque for what is still owing on my daughter's school fees. I'm just grateful. She came with me to deliver newspapers....yes, that's what I am doing for work, delivering newspapers on foot, there's no other work around and it's exercise plus, since I am trying to get my own business started I can distribute flyers for my own business at the same time and get paid to do it. So you know, it's a win really and it's not so bad just walking the streets delivering papers and meeting those neighbours that like to be out in their gardens etc. I did feel REALLY embarrassed the first time I walked down my own street and my neighbours saw me wheeling a buggy and delivering papers but you know what? That's so stupid, why would anyone think poorly of me for doing whatever I can to pay the bills?

Anyway the car is awesome, today I went out in it for the first time and found I was SO much more confident in a small car with brakes that work, no deafening "wooooooooo" noise coming from the transmission, no steam or fluids pouring out and, as an added bonus, I was able to actually watch the road instead of watching the temperature gauge!!! I didn't have to pull over and put water in every five minutes either and the icing on the cake was when I went for a night drive tonight. Do you know this car is so fancy that the headlights don't just provide a dim glow to warn other motorists that there is a car approaching them, they ACTUALLY ILLUMINATE THE ROAD IN FRONT OF THE CAR!!! Do you have any idea how easy it is to drive at night when you can see what is in front of you???? It's just amazing. 

So, that's just so exciting. 

Attending real classes with live people is becoming a habit now and I am finding I am SO awkward at talking to people after so many years of isolation but I expect that will pass and I feel so energised to be out in the world. I love it. As I can still get $5 massages at my uni I have booked to have one after class every wednesday, this week will be the first. So, grateful for uni and my place there, grateful that I am able to go, grateful that I have something I am passionate about learning. The years of hiding in the house and doing virtually nothing other than feeling ashamed and miserable are kind of just fading into insignificance now. 

I'm working hard on myself and mostly, relearning to be kind to myself. I fell into some terrible old habits during the time I was homeless and living in various high stress situations, my old default style of hating myself and trying to fix myself by calling myself weak and pathetic..when A had been stayng here a few weeks ago and I became despondant I had a kind of epipany and realised, abusing myself was an awful, awful lifetime habit that can only be countered by practicing the compete opposite. So, positive self talk, healthy habits and surrounding myself with positive people is my medicine. I'm grateful to know how to do this now. 

A did ask if he could come to see me this weekend and I said no, because I have just started to feel good again and I cannot abuse myself by sending myself into the downward spiral that always comes from spending time with him. Plus I can't afford his company, he never has money and eats all of my food and runs up my bills then borrows from me on top of that. It's not really very appealing.

Anyway thats me this week, I can't think of anything negative to say really, I have a cool new toy, life is working, I feel like I am advancing at last, daughter is happy (when she isn't being Princess Sourpuss) and I am enforcing my boundary that I will only discuss visitation with her father and his wife and not be drawn into anything else. They are trying very hard to bait me into engaging but I wont and it feels good.

My parents are coming next weekend so stepdad can fix my driveway so my new car doesn't get ruined (it's sort of a giant pothole with rubble in it) and mother and I will garden. It's a very big contrast to a few months ago when I was ready to have nothing to do with them ever again. I do like it when we are friends and to be honest I've never really experienced having this kind of help and kindness from anyone before and it is a really nice experience. So I'm grateful for that too.

I've also been losing weight and I have a shopping habit where I buy nice clothes out of season when they are cheap and save them for the following year. Well I had a lot of stuff put away that I thought would never fit but now I am finding I have all of this stuff, still with tags on that fits me so that's like recieving a brand new wardrobe, a nice gift from Past Melly. Thanks, me

Anyway, there are lots of things to overcome still but also lots of reasons to be grateful. Put one foot in front of the other, live in the moment, do the next right thing....onwards and upwards!!!

Thanks for reading.