The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I have been struggling with the line between enabling and controlling lately. A while back, someone asked me to think about the line between compassion and enabling, and I have been thinking on that ever since.
On the surface, things sounds really clear. Not enabling is not condoning behavior, not drinking with my wife, not purchasing alcohol for her, not driving her to a bar or liquor store, not sticking around and "discussing" things when she is having an alcoholic temper tantrum, etc. Not controlling is not giving her ultimatums, not preventing her from drinking, not making decisions for her, not controlling her with access to money, etc.
But here is the thing: in practice, this gets so sloppy! She cannot drive because of the accident and her license being suspended, and the lack of vehicle. And, the grocery stores here sell alcohol just like they sell apples and ice cream. You can even use the self-check-out to purchase alcohol along with your other groceries. (It took me a LONG time to get used to the idea of being able to purchase alcohol in a grocery store!) So, last night, we stopped at the mobile food pantry and then went to the grocery store to pick up some things that we needed. And, she had a small gift certificate from her mom for house sitting the past three months to the grocery store. (Very thoughtful of her mom!) As we are shopping, she says: I want to get a bottle of wine to share with you. I said that I did not want to drink wine that night because I have a lot to do this weekend and I want to feel good. Besides, I do not want to drink with her because I think that sends the signal that it is ok with me if she is drinking. Well, she bought the bottle of wine anyway with the gift certificate from her mom.
So, then I felt like I didn't have the mix down right. Was I enabling by driving her to the grocery store and not demanding that she not purchase the wine? Demanding that she not purchase the wine feels to me like that would be controlling her decision. And, I didn't give her money for or pay for the wine. Or, am I letting myself of the hook for enabling her to make that purchase? I think that, if I had made a big deal out of it, she would have left the wine at the store and sulked for the rest of the evening. But, if I had done that, I would feel like I had been controlling. Or, maybe she would have thrown a temper tantrum and bought the wine anyway.
And, I feel as if I would be trying to control the situation if I never let her go to the grocery store with me! Not to mention that I would be taking on full responsibility for all grocery shopping ever, and that just seems silly.
Then we have the issue of St. Patrick's Day. My wife has equated this day with a necessity to cook corned beef & cabbage and Irish stew. Of course, both of these dishes require Guinness. She keeps saying that she NEEDS to make them because it is St. Patrick's Day. (St. Patrick, as far as I know, didn't require the consumption of alcohol in his honor to show favor to people, but then again, I didn't know the guy personally...) I am very uncomfortable with this NEED to cook with alcohol, which I have expressed. I actually prefer the taste of food that is NOT cooked with alcohol, which I have told my wife many, many times. I also don't understand the need to cook certain dishes one time a year. If you like Irish stew, why can you only cook it on St. Patrick's Day, which is mid-month when we don't have the money for the ingredients? Why not cook it next month? or in November? I dropped this conversation, because the only reply I got was that she HAD to cook Corned Beef and Cabbage and Irish stew NOW because it was going to be St. Patrick's Day. (Ok, fine and dandy, but our account is empty now, and any money I have is going into the gas tank or puppy tummies.) I think she will be getting some money from her mom next week, and I am pretty sure that she will be purchasing corned beef and Guinness with it. So, again we have the: what is enabling and what is controlling question. Actively preventing her from purchasing the Guinness and corned beef seems like a controlling thing to me, and it seems as if doing that would mean me taking responsibility for her drinking or not drinking, which I do not want to do. But, standing by while she makes her purchases and cooks the dish feels like it might be enabling. Or is it just detaching and not involving myself in her decision?
I think, in honor of today's reading, I am going to pray on this, and leave things up to the HP. This feels too big for me to deal with on my own.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Being powerless over others enables me to use my power over myself and I see you doing just that.:)
Enabling, compassion and control are divided by a fine line and difficult at times to define. I use the idea that enabling, is doing for someone what they can and should do for themselves.
You are doing great and praying works wonders. Progress not perfection
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I think the very fact you are analysing this is huge. Your eyes are opened and your working out the technicalities. To my mind that is progress, heading in the right direction, so well done to you. Ive been a member of alanon for almost 3 years and im still workjng on these kinds of questions. At christmas time my family were talkjng about drinking wine and beer as if we have not been affected by alcoholism. As the day was being spent at my home i felt a bit like you, should i say something or just leave it. I brought it here and then decided to say i would prefer you dont drink during the day in my house during the meal. It felt good to validate myself and put myself first. I know your situation is a bit different.
Recovery for me has meant letting go of other peoples choices and not accepting any consequencs that dont belong to me. Its like sorting out whats yours and whats hers. You are both individuals with the right to do what you want without judgement from another. So, if she buys guiness and makes stew, doesnt the cooking remove the alcohol? and you dont want to eat it or be there during the whole thing then dont. That way, she makes her choices and so doyou. If either of you get upset at each others decision then thats your own or her own problem to work through. If you sacrifice yourself to please her then that your own problem, not hers. Standing by, as you put it, is not enabling. Its not your job, responsibility to stop her dojng anything, your not her higher power. You can only make your own choices that are comfortable for you.
To me, you have not enabled at all here. You have kept your hands off, now work on your mind. Everytime you think of what shes dojng try to divert your thoughts to what your dojng.
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 14th of March 2015 09:19:03 AM
Thanks El-cee. Good point about me thinking about myself and what I am doing. That is SO helpful!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I like that you are taking these small snap shots of time and "unpacking them" layer by layer. I think these seemingly insignificant moments (going to the pantry market) are the ones I was blind to but were adding up into a huge mess in my own marriage. I kept sweeping the little things under the rug and excusing that behavior because "it's not so bad, it's not light he hits me or gambles or blah blah blah"....
For me - I have been told that I often over think or over analyze. So, as others have said if you find yourself thinking in a circular pattern (around and around) about her, that might be your HP signal or red flag. You could then use that time to pray, meditate and work on what you are doing for your own healing.
Was I enabling by driving her to the grocery store and not demanding that she not purchase the wine? Demanding that she not purchase the wine feels to me like that would be controlling her decision. And, I didn't give her money for or pay for the wine. Or, am I letting myself of the hook for enabling her to make that purchase? I think that, if I had made a big deal out of it, she would have left the wine at the store and sulked for the rest of the evening. But, if I had done that, I would feel like I had been controlling. Or, maybe she would have thrown a temper tantrum and bought the wine anyway. 
Thanks, Betty.