The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been wanting to do this for awhile but kept thinking things would resolve on their own... lesson learned!
My friend, and ex partner (let's call her "Jane"), needs some help. I will give a run-down below of what has went down.
Edit: Jane and I only recently (approx. 2 months ago) discovered about the world of "ACOA." Upon discovering it and it's effects, Jane has agreed she needs help, but I am not sure about the right steps to take. Posting here to share my story to confirm this is behaviour typical of an ACOA, and to seek advice regarding the best route of help. Therefore, most of the story I will tell had occurred prior to discovering "ACOA." This is my first attempt in the recovery process.
Jane is an ACOA; her mother was an alcoholic. Jane basically spent her childhood taking care of her own mother, and herself. She became acquainted with locking herself in her bedroom to gain protection during her mother's drunken parties with unfamiliar men. Few years later, Jane's mother passed away, Jane never knew her father. I suppose it's important to note here that Jane's mother, as well as every other adult female in her life, was physically abused by a man, and Jane had to witness it. Jane had always kept to herself, and as an adult, she continues to do the same. She opts to not have real life friends, and instead chats to people over the internet. Jane is highly intelligent, and has a good heart. She makes sure her younger siblings are provided for, and though she doesn't want kids of her own, she acts to her younger siblings as a good mother should have done with her.
I formed a relationship with Jane a year ago; the two of us are in our late 20s. Jane was shy, very quiet, and did a lot of stuff alone. I was attracted to it -- I am not into the wild party scene, and prefer intimate conversation, and at the time, I had no idea what an ACOA was, nor did I understand the consequence of growing up under such a government. Towards the middle of our relationship, I realized that Jane had severe trust issues, severe anxiety, and was deathly afraid of change. The shyness, and quietness.. the being alone... were symptoms of something much deeper. She would say certain things to me, about how people are unreliable and annoying. How she doesn't like people asking how she's doing because small talk is fake, and no one ever really cares. Eventually (according to her) I was out to get her: I was a slick guy who was just going to end up taking advantage of her down the road. With her, I became guilty until proven innocent; she was always the judge, and I was never allowed a lawyer. The fear and paranoia she displayed were just out of control. I wasn't even allowed to see her in person because she was convinced I would end up leaving her. She told her friend that keeping me away from her was the best thing to do, so that when I decided to leave, she'd be able to cope. "People leave, and it hurts too much," is what she said. "No one ever stays." It wasn't "IF" I decided to leave, it was "WHEN".. and I had absolutely no plans to. NONE! But try as I might, I wasn't allowed to stay. So Jane was terrified at the prospect of me leaving, but ultimately forced me out (she ended it) with an "I knew it," and then attached it as a confirmation letter to her "Everyone leaves" brochure. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy that she can't perceive. The best analogy I have for it all is this: Imagine a giant 50 ft solid brick wall: I am on one side, she on the other. I tell her I want to be with her, she wants the same. We try to figure out how I can get over the wall and onto her side.. But she's trying to figure out a way with her left hand, while placing another brick with her right hand; crying because she doesn't know why the wall is so high.
God, this sounds so awful putting it on "paper."
Anyway, back up a week before the break up: As you can imagine, this all has taken it's toll on me and I'm feeling pretty abandoned. I finally sit her down and talk to her, I told her that I feel invalidated in the relationship, and that I feel like my voice is unheard. I explained that I had an issue with the lack of trust she displays, and that I felt criminalized by my own girlfriend. She told me that she would never trust anybody "that easily" (we've been together a year) because her un-trusting nature is what got her through rough times growing up, and if she had trusted anyone, she would not be where she is today. The thing that gets me is, for someone so intelligent, she doesn't see how all of this stand-offish behaviour causes people trying to interact with her to feel. While she is busy protecting herself making sure she never gets hurt, the rest of us feel like we've cooked a big dinner for someone and it was spat on and thrown away for fear of poison. Why are we going to keep cooking dinner for that person? And when we decide not to, how is that our fault? Furthermore, how can you accuse us of not cooking you dinner? You declined it. It is an impossibility to have a relationship with someone like this. One of the most hurtful things that I can still feel is the night she started at her new job. I stayed up until 5am waiting for her... I wanted to be there for her to see how it went. Well, I was shut down and told that I, "was probably up anyway" with an attitude. Pretty much broke my heart. That's when I understood this is beyond my control. And of course, following suit, the days that followed I was now and again scolded for never doing anything nice for her. She doesn't realize that she's training me not to. I became fearful of her, never knowing how I would be interpreted.
I understand she has been taught that people leave and never return, that people abuse and never love. I understand having a guard up to not get taken advantage of. I get she doesn't want to be one of the abused women from her childhood. But she is exhibiting behaviours that are extreme. They are interfering with her quality of life - She has admitted to this. She has forfeited chances of friendships and romantic relationships; I had everything to give her, and she perceived me as having an ulterior motive. She is so anxious, I want her to have rest. She wants to love, and she has love to give, but unless she learns that she can trust people, the person on the other end of the relationship will never truly feel her love. I seriously felt like a god-damned convict. I have acquaintances that trust me more than she did. I have never had my actions questioned so much.
This is not a stupid, selfish girl either. This is all calculated in her head, and makes perfect logical and SAFE sense to her. When she is not spending her time trying to protect herself from the danger that I am (), she helps me out in keeping my work schedule in tune, does little things for me that show me she does pay attention to my needs, et al.
To end: I know I can't save her, no one can. When I was introduced to the world of "ACOA", I introduced it to her. We both had no idea about it prior. She agreed that she needed therapy, but never went. She recognizes something is wrong, and has voiced wanting to fix it. She doesn't have the tools. I want to encourage therapy of some sort. I'd actually like to know if any of you have recommendations as far as a reputable therapist goes. I am concerned about leading her to a bad therapist who may further damage her. She is in the phoenix area. If no personal recommendations in that area, how do I find someone who is qualified for this severe of an issue? I am not sure an "AL ANON" group is right for her. My plan is to cease contact with her so she can heal, but I'd like to set up the therapy services so she can get the help she needs. Though she broke up with me and sees the situation as another person in her life leaving her, I'm still here on her side -- something she will never be able to see until she gets healthy.
Thanks for listening!
-- Edited by MidCenturyModern on Saturday 14th of March 2015 07:58:49 PM
Alanon helps people affected by alcoholism to take the brave step of looking inside and changing the things about themselves that is hurting themselves. Not sure a therapist would know what to do unless they themselves have been affected by alcoholism. Have you been affected by alcoholism? In your own life? Alanon might be helpful for you too.
One thing to know is that many therapists will not agree to see someone unless that person contacts them specifically, because the chance of the person not showing up (if arranged by someone else) is so high. Another thing is that people get more benefit out of arrangements they make themselves (including finding a therapist).
Your friend has an overwhelming need to keep a distance, and from what you've described you have an overwhelming need to rescue. Al-Anoners tend to be like that. It's a hard lesson to "let go and let God." Al-Anon has a saying, "She's going to do what she's going to do - what are you going to do?"
Maybe read through the threads in here, find a meeting, get the literature and start reading?
Being anywhere in the vicinity of alcoholism (as you have been, second-hand) sucks us into the insanity. We need our own recovery. And when we get some of our own recovery, the dynamic of everything changes.
Alanon helps people affected by alcoholism to take the brave step of looking inside and changing the things about themselves that is hurting themselves. Not sure a therapist would know what to do unless they themselves have been affected by alcoholism. Have you been affected by alcoholism? In your own life? Alanon might be helpful for you too.
Hi, no I haven't. This is the closest I've been.. via Jane.
Mattie wrote:
One thing to know is that many therapists will not agree to see someone unless that person contacts them specifically, because the chance of the person not showing up (if arranged by someone else) is so high. Another thing is that people get more benefit out of arrangements they make themselves (including finding a therapist).
Your friend has an overwhelming need to keep a distance, and from what you've described you have an overwhelming need to rescue. Al-Anoners tend to be like that. It's a hard lesson to "let go and let God." Al-Anon has a saying, "She's going to do what she's going to do - what are you going to do?"
Maybe read through the threads in here, find a meeting, get the literature and start reading?
Being anywhere in the vicinity of alcoholism (as you have been, second-hand) sucks us into the insanity. We need our own recovery. And when we get some of our own recovery, the dynamic of everything changes.
I hope you'll keep coming back.
Hmm you may be right. re: therapist booking. My intention with that one wasn't about trying to force anything... It's simply just because she doesn't have the funds to go, so it is much much more likely she would show up if I got it all in order for her. Her anxiety is completely out of control.
I realize that my post sort of comes across as me trying to control the situation and losing myself in the process, but it's quite the opposite, because it hasn't been going on for long at all. The two of us have only been aware of "ACOA" and the effects of development for about 2 months now, and it was then that I realized something serious was going on underneath everything. Before this turning point, I suspected nothing odd in the relationship. The feelings of invalidation that I mentioned are new.. it was a process to get there, but they're new feelings. Thankfully, I am very shallow in the waters of dealing with this all My emotions pretty much shut down when I realized I wasn't being respected. It's something I can't, and won't, put up with. Basically, I've assessed the entire relationship, and have connected the dots. It all makes sense, and now I am here to nip everything in the bud.
I'm not too muddled up in the whole thing, though. I know enough about life to understand that I can't force anyone to do or be anything other than what they choose. I was trying to throw a few life lines because she's so unaware. She herself is not an alcoholic, her mother was... I know that nobody sees what's going on with her besides me. Remember, she stays in her bedroom and doesn't have any friends; so there's no peers to sit her down and address concern as would happen in a social persons life. I will not sit at her theoretical door and beg her to get help for the rest of my life, I have more self-respect than that -- I've only brought it up once so far, and she was very receptive; and agreed that she needed therapy. I have no issue walking away from the situation if that's the healthiest thing. But I don't grasp the concept of just leaving someone without first making an effort. If it's not seriously discussed and considered, that person hasn't had a sufficient chance to change or reject. I think that reasoning is logical, and very different then a scenario where I may have spent 5 years of my life being aware of what was happening, and trying to convince someone to change.
After getting suggestions from this thread, I planned for it to be the second and last time I brought it up. Basically I wanted to do a simple, "Hey, as you're friend, you're not healthy and this is a cycle that will never be broken without outside help. I've set some things up for you, take it or leave it."
If she decides to leave it, it'll be a little sad to know someone I care about has essentially chosen to rot away in her bedroom. And it isn't a nice thought. I can only hope she makes the right decision, and my intention is to gather things from this board in order to present her with an informative route.
I hope that clears some things up & thanks for the responses :)
-- Edited by MidCenturyModern on Saturday 14th of March 2015 07:26:42 AM
You sound like e a kind and loving person You might be able to find ACOA or Alanon meetings in your community, go to them or the inter group office, obtain a meeting list and some literature and give them to her Then the ball is in her court.
You sound like e a kind and loving person You might be able to find ACOA or Alanon meetings in your community, go to them or the inter group office, obtain a meeting list and some literature and give them to her Then the ball is in her court.
Thanks! I was able to find some in her neighbourhood. It appears as though they have nightly meetings.
Your post is pretty straight to the point. So you folks agree that the best place for her is an AL ANON meeting.
All I can do now is gather the information, present it, and hope she wants to be better.
Well geeze, it felt good to get my story off of my chest. And I've been reading other posts on here and it sure is a doozy
Good luck Living with the disease of alcoholism certainly does affect all that come in contact with it.
Your friend is not alone I have a sponsee who has experienced a similar childhood and she is learning to trust once again. It is not an easy road and takes time but progress not perfection is the key.
Hi MidCentury! I appreciate your share and understand how weird it feels to put it on "paper", out for the world to see and respond to. It's hard and it's courageous. I think really for me it was the first step in letting go and letting God.
I also hear that this is all new to you and her. You came here looking for some resources and that was a good decision, because there is an abundance of life experience and support here.
For your friend - if she's the introverted internet type, she may find an ACOA on line forum that suits her to be the easiest first step. It's free, anonymous and won't "push" her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable.
I'm glad you told your story and that you are a caring young man. Looking back this relationship will be one that provided a lot of learning and experience for you.
Take care of you, keep coming back as you are indeed a person who was affected by this disease and it's dysfunction, and we're glad you're here.
Good luck Living with the disease of alcoholism certainly does affect all that come in contact with it.
Your friend is not alone I have a sponsee who has experienced a similar childhood and she is learning to trust once again. It is not an easy road and takes time but progress not perfection is the key.
That's good to hear. And that's a good motto to live by.. "progress, not perfection." As long as someone is willing to make PROGRESS, everything works itself out and becomes much easier.
LedfootJenny wrote:
Hi MidCentury! I appreciate your share and understand how weird it feels to put it on "paper", out for the world to see and respond to. It's hard and it's courageous. I think really for me it was the first step in letting go and letting God.
I also hear that this is all new to you and her. You came here looking for some resources and that was a good decision, because there is an abundance of life experience and support here.
For your friend - if she's the introverted internet type, she may find an ACOA on line forum that suits her to be the easiest first step. It's free, anonymous and won't "push" her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable.
I'm glad you told your story and that you are a caring young man. Looking back this relationship will be one that provided a lot of learning and experience for you.
Take care of you, keep coming back as you are indeed a person who was affected by this disease and it's dysfunction, and we're glad you're here.
Hi Ledfoot, thanks for the kind words. Yep, that's exactly it -- just found out about ACOA and need some guidance. The relationship makes a hell of a lot of sense now, that's for sure. The good news is that she has been very receptive and acknowledging of needing help. She is an introvert.. I am not sure how much the anxiety and disappointment has contributed to it, but naturally I think she does not enjoy big group interactions. And I suppose this is where I will just have to let go of her hand. I thought that maybe some face to face guidance would do her good, in a supportive atmosphere where she can learn that humans do make mistakes, but redemption also exists. With the online thing and no one to hold her accountable, she may go into an anxious state of hiding. But that one is out of my control.
Reading this message board I am feeling safe about the idea of the al anon meetings. I think hearing other's stories causes one to be able to spot what is wrong "with someone else," but then have no choice but begin to see those same things in their own relationships/personality.
I think for me you have summed up alanon. It is about focussing on the other person to avoid seeing ourselves then alanon lets us finally have courage to put our eyes where they should be, firmly on ourselves.
I ended up speaking to her about al anon, and asked if she would like to go. She informed me she had actually found a private counselor on her own, and told me who it was. I was pretty surprised she took the initiative to do this, and was happy she would seek out help. As of now, no appointment was ever made, and we aren't really on speaking terms; I think my feelings for her are gone. When you care about someone but they're closed off to your love... it is impossible. Last straw was about a week ago when she fell physically ill. I dropped everything to research her condition to ensure she got the best help. Her response? That I didn't really care, rather, I was trying to push a certain medical agenda onto her. What the fuck? So numb to the mistreatment I am not even hurt by it anymore; just appalled. I tried to be patient and hope she received some sort of professional intervention so she could have some chance of living a normal life with someone she loved.. lol. Back to caring about myself now.
), she helps me out in keeping my work schedule in tune, does little things for me that show me she does pay attention to my needs, et al.
My emotions pretty much shut down when I realized I wasn't being respected. It's something I can't, and won't, put up with. Basically, I've assessed the entire relationship, and have connected the dots. It all makes sense, and now I am here to nip everything in the bud.