The little alanon pamphlet called detachment has been very important to me. It was one of the first things i read and one of the first things that gave me that moment of wow, this is it, this is what i need to do. At first, it went against every idea i was brought up to believe. The influences in my life, my mother, school, media, society, friends, everything. I was taught, like most of us are, that to love someone is to need that person, to love them is to give myself completely and take them completely. I thought true love was like the song called 'one' where two people become one unit, to me that must be true love. I thought to love my children i had to own them completely, they were mine, everything they did or said was mine, me. They were part of me. If i loved you, you belonged to me, you were part of me. 

Then this little leaflet planted a seed that this may be the root of my misery. Detachment, let go and let god, live and let live. I came to understand that detachment, dont forget the love part, was about me freeing myself from my dependancy on other human beings. I was so dependant on what others thought, i was sensitive to others moods. If they are in a bad mood then im in a bad mood, if they are miserable then im miserable, if they have a problem then its my problem. Utter control, i was completely controlled by others and completely controlled others at the same time. 

The first person i detached from was my child. It was a complete leap of faith. I was told, let him fall, let go, stop rescuing, stop controlling. It sounded uncaring, cold even. I was his mother, if i let go whose going to stop him dying. My mind believed i was his whole world, i was his saviour, i was keeping him alive as if i still had an umbilical  cord!  I knew i wasnt right, that was good because that was the first truth. Alanon told me that my pushing and trying hadnt given me good results so far had it? No. So try this, what do i have to loose?

So i did, at first i faked it because i was doing it without fully understanding it, still wary but each time he gave me the opportunity to step in, daily, i tried not to. At first it was succeed, fail, succeed, fail, all with the support of people here and at my meetings. Eventually, i started to internalise detaching with love. I began to see what love was, healthy love. I had put pressure on another human to make me happy, to give me peace and to improve my life. I believed it was all in the hands of others. It never was. Detaching with love has brought me many gifts. Im free of dependancy on others, others are free of me. I can love with a real love, ive never felt it before detaching with love. 

Thanks for reading my ramblings, still off work with laryngitis so ive got a bit of time on my hands.lol