The material presented
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level.
Well, my day got more difficult, and I am having trouble processing. Again.
I was at work, called my wife on my way to my second job. She was out walking our new-to-us dog. (She has been with us about 5 days now, came to us instead of being destroyed, and is the most mild-mannered, sweet dog you could imagine.)
I got a strange feeling near the end of my shift at my second job, and when the office phone rang, I left the student I was working with to see if it was my wife. It was. She was hysterical on the phone. The new dog apparently broke out of her crate after the walk and killed the rabbit while my wife was in the basement.
Tragic, tragic accident. I wrapped up at work as fast as I could, got in the truck, and called my wife. She was upset that I had asked her to wait to talk until I was out of work and no longer working with a student (all of 5 minutes). ok. We don't see eye-to-eye on how I should handle my work responsibilities. I listened to her, tried to figure out what was going on between hysterical sobs. When I realized the dog had killed the rabbit, I asked where she was, and if my wife could lock her into a crate or a room, so as to keep our cats safe until I got home an hour later. More hysterics, and then the name-calling and swearing started.
This time, I managed to say "calling me names is not acceptable" and "swearing at me is not acceptable." and "I need you to talk to me so I can try to help while I am driving home."
Well, that did not go over well, especially the "name calling is not acceptable" part. She hung up on me and called me back to continue to yell at least five times on my drive home. She wanted me to say that I would get the dog out of the house tonight. (no, because I don't know what is going on, and I have ZERO chance of finding a place for a pit bull to go at 9 or 10 pm where she will not be destroyed.) My wife said I had to pick her or the dog, and our marriage was over if I didn't take her side and get rid of the dog tonight. If I didn't agree to get rid of the dog tonight, she would call the cops and have the dog shot. And on and on.
Well, I didn't want her to call the cops and have the dog shot, so I tried to keep her on the phone. By the time I was home, she reported that the dog was snarling at her, the cats were all locked up in different rooms, and the dog had bitten her. I didn't know what I was walking in to, so I put on my leather gloves and left all work things in the truck so I would be able to react faster. I unlocked the door. Didn't see the dog at first. She was cowering, pressed up as close to the door as possible, shivering in a puddle of her own pee. When she saw me, she came right over and had her tail tucked so far between her legs, I couldn't see it. I don't know what went on, but I am sure that I am not getting the full story. My wife certainly has no marks to indicate that a pit bull bit her on the hand, arm, or anywhere else. The dog is terrified, and still shaking and cowering next to me.
I brought the dog downstairs with the other guys (dogs) and locked her in her larger crate, tied the crate shut with rope, closed the door to the room she was in, took care of the other dogs, picked up the rabbit, cleaned out the rabbit hutch and put things away so my wife didn't have to see the empty hutch. I tried to go talk to my wife, she was hiding in the bedroom with her favorite cat. The conversation quickly turned to name calling and swearing at me, because, again, I cannot take the dog away tonight, and I am not even sure I am willing to get rid of her. I need to think about things, and process what happened. I am not going to be pushed into making yet another snap decision while I am yelled at, sworn at, and called names to "save" my marriage. I walked away when the name calling escalated after I said it was not acceptable, and she almost tore my sweater arm off. I went back a bit later and tried to just be with her, but that turned back into name calling and swearing at me.
Then, the line in the sand: if I don't get rid of the dog tonight, and take my wife's side, then she is going to divorce me. (I find it absurd that I am even typing that my choice is to take my wife's side or the dog's side. The dog doesn't have a side. The dog is a dog. It was left unsupervised and unattended, and this is a tragic consequence of that decision that my wife made while I was at work.)
So, now here I sit. Locked in the basement bathroom with the dog. In a sleeping bag on the cement floor. (Ok, I am not trying to be dramatic here, but the dog has such severe separation anxiety, I wouldn't sleep all night if I wasn't here with her because she would cry and howl all night. Guess how I know. Because I tried that already a couple nights before getting a crate for her to be in next to my bed. And, if I try to sleep on the love seat in the basement, the other dogs will bark at me all night while she cries from the other room. And I cannot bring her back into the bedroom, because my wife will scream and I cannot be sure that she stayed sober today and will not hurt me or the dog.) What a crazy, f****d up situation. I am certainly NOT staying upstairs with my wife, because the verbal abuse is out of hand.
So, yay for me for finally enforcing boundaries as best as I could, and well, I guess if that means that my wife is leaving and filing for divorce, so be it. I will be taking the dog with me to work tomorrow. She can hang in the truck while I am at work, and I will at least be sure she is ok and there is no further drama at home about her. I can check on her, and she might even sneak into my office for a while. And, can I just say, the HP has GOT to have a sense of humor, if I am finally able to enforce boundaries by "taking my dog's side" in this tragic and ridiculous situation.
Oh, and my dad is driving down with a fixed up Ford for me on Wednesday, so I will have a more reliable car with better gas mileage. He was planning to drive back north Thursday, but I bet he would be more than happy to stay and help my wife pack, if it comes to that. I don't really believe her that she is leaving, but if she is, it is sad that I am feeling a little bit of calm relief at the prospect.
And, once again, if anyone made it to the end, thanks so much for reading.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 9th of March 2015 11:33:09 PM
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
What a ghastly day, accidents like that are upsetting for both of you. Well done on staying calm and being true to yourself through all of this.
Interesting to note how you feel about the prospect of your wife leaving - when I had that feeling for the first time I also found it empowering and soothing.
Thanks for sharing. Good for you for not listening to that verbal abuse. Removing yourself from it is taking care of yourself. I learned that often alcoholics can feel so much guilt and pain inside that they seek to release it, hence the verbal abuse. The interesting part for me was learning thatlistening to it was enabling the disease to continue. If we provide relief they are not forced to sit with their own discomfort whics is a natural consequence of the disease. So not allowing it is love, for you and her.
Well, my wife came to find me this morning, to inform me that it was after 6 am, and wasn't I getting up. I think I finally slept a bit after 3 am. She also made coffee for me.
I put the dog in my truck, and went upstairs to try to ... I don't know what. Say something, see if my wife was still in that same state of mind. Try to figure out if she was really planning to pack up and leave today. She was crying because I had "cuddled up" with the dog all night instead of being there for her. I stated that I wanted to be there for her, and I had tried my best, but that name calling and being sworn at were not acceptable, and I was not going to put up with that, so I removed myself from the situation. This seemed to upset her, and I left the room to make my lunch. I went back to thank her for making the coffee for me this morning, and getting it set in a mug and my thermos to take to work. I wished her a nice day, to which she asked if I was leaving. I said that I was. She said it was before 7, and she needed my support. I told her that I was doing my best and that I wanted to support her, but that I would not allow myself to stay in a situation where I am being called names and sworn at.
She responded that she wouldn't be forced to call me names and swear and yell at me if I weren't such an "$$/=%$. I said, ok, I am going to work, then. And, I walked out of the house and went to work.
My office mate is being fantastic, and the dog is laying by my feet in my office. I am trying to keep a hold of my emotions and not cry. (I try not to let myself cry in front of my dogs, because they need me to be stable and in control. Fake it until I make it, I guess.)
And, my inner dialog this morning is "live for today. You are ok, the dogs are ok, the cats are ok. Just right now, everything is ok and that is enough. You can't change yesterday, and you can't predict tomorrow, so just be ok right now." I'm going to repeat that a few more times now.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
((Skorpi))) It does sound as if the disease is alive and well in your home. I am sorry . You are really working the program with grest courage and compassion and are doing great
Your tool for today is also fantastic . It will keep you focused on the day, and the moment.
Glad you were able to share your feelings of sadness here because it is important to allow yourself that release as well.
Please keep the focus on yourself, your serenity and listen to that still small voice within as guidance from HP is all important at this time.
You are not alone.
Thats it Skorpi, all you have is this one day, yesterdays gone, tomorrows not here so right at this moment all is well and you get to be with your dog and feel the moments. Your wifes problems, sounds rough but they are hers, not yours. Her pain and sadness and her illness is hers, not yours. Theres nothing you can do to change that. You still have the right to enjoy lifes pleasures even in the midst of insanity.
Yes listen to your gut it is your HP talking to you and Also your own common sense. Yelling this is not right The disease is beating me down so i don't know my own Mind anymore.
My ah is dry but we are still in crazytown with the addict Alive and kicking. His behaviors and actions have almost destroyed me. My gut kept screaming at me this is not right but i did not Act on my gut as i should have!
Keep staying strong for you! Get better for you!
The addict Needs to help themself!
You are doing great skorpi glad you are on here! My heart goes out to you, for you standing Your ground against your addict.
(((((((((Hugs)))))))
-- Edited by Mirandac on Wednesday 11th of March 2015 07:55:41 AM
Thanks, everyone. I'm getting there, and your encouragement really helps. I think I don't quite have the hang of trusting myself yet, and it helps to read your posts and comments. (((hugs))) for all!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
So sorry you are having to deal with this insanity. I hope the dog is Ok, t does sound like something happened that you aren't being told about. It's a good example of why we say we have to stay healthy, if nothing else for our kids and pets because the A tends to not take care of them after they progress for enough, even if they are the most loving and caring person in the world when not in the disease.
Thank you, Kenny, for this reminder to stay healthy. I could write novels about the A not taking care of pets thing... You are right. I have to stay healthy because it is my responsibility to make sure they are all cared for and ok. The dog seems to be just fine with me and my office mate. She is as chill and friendly as ever. I am not sure what she will act like when we go home tonight, but that is a question for a different hour. Right now, we are enjoying sitting in my office and catching up on some work.
My wife has been sending me messages, talking about how sad and guilty she feels about the rabbit, and she apologized for lashing out at me. The divorce is seemingly back off the table for the moment. I remember a few posts ago, when I really wanted her to apologize for calling me names. When she did so today, I was surprised to not really feel any different than before the apology. kind of empty, drained, numb, and sad.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I'm glad you're making good choices and setting good boundaries today. Excellent job at responding vs. reacting! Another tool that comes to mind is "take it easy"....
The dogs, packing, apologies, name calling and divorce can wait - be gentle to yourself!
I see the power of "stepping back" in your story -she baits the hook with her usual over the top tantrum, but you do not have to bite and get reeled in.
It gives me hope that these strategies and this program really do have the power to change us.
Oh, have I a similar story. My hubby was going through withdrawals. We have 2 cats and a dog, but I think the cats need to go. For some reason the cats tend to piss off my husband when he's drinking or going through withdrawals. He told me last week he would snap the F*ing cat's neck if she kept mewing and then screamed at the dog for licking up water. Needless to say, I was like you. Hunkered down in the extra bedroom for an hour with my dog (who was shaking from the cold of the room and being yelled at). After a while, my husband came out of the crazy and was back to himself, feeling so awful about what he said about the cat. He apologized to me and tried to give the animals attention so they didn't hate him. It can suck, for sure. I'm glad you found a way to cope, even as frustrating and uncomfortable as it may have been. Sleeping in a bag is at least showing your wife she can't be center of everything and you are willing to do what you feel is right. I hope one day I can detach as well as you do. Your posts are inspiration that I can be better for me and therefore better for us.
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Marie McD
"You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it."
Skorpi, you have so much on your plate, and I really admire your detachment and use of the tools. Are you keeping the dog? I have dogs, and they are just the best companions. No one is happier to see me when I get home than those dogs
You sound like a great guy. You have patience. Following through with what you have learned in Al-Anon so far is going to get your though this. I don't know you personally, but though your writing, expressions and compassion I sense you are trying your best to save another human being that is your wife. That is very noble of you, but your must truly consider your dreams and your health, this is taking a tole on you more than you know. Yes the wise thing to say is "one day at a time" but please make them count. There is a fine line with your compassion and enabling... please thinkl about this .....sincerely linsc
Skorpi when my AH was in rehab and pissing and spitting nails at me and he threatened me with divorce I was actually relieved. I started planning my life without the insanity of addiction. I planned to sell my house and down size and get my life back... Then he got over his hissy fit and didn't want a divorce... poof there go my plans.
It's almost a relief to think they will leave us....
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
trying not to judge..but perhaps you have too many pets at a time that aw is raging. The animals are so sensitive as well. They misbehave or get anxious and display poor behavior when chaos is in the house. My cats would constantly throw up and cower when my ah was raging.
Hi Everyone, and thanks again for all the support.
Thanks, Jenny, for the reminder to take it easy. I admit, one thing I really struggle with is the different way my wife and I use words. I really honestly believe that words have power. Once you say them, they cannot be unsaid. And so, I do not vocalize things that I have not carefully considered and decided that I am following through on. (If I were to say that I wanted a divorce, I would actually really mean it, and would follow through on it.) My wife, I am reminded, does not use words in the same way. She might say a lot of things, but she very rarely means what she says and even more seldom follows through on her threats. So, now I am reminded to work on being more patient, and not believing that I necessarily need to prepare to act in response to the words my wife uses.
Marie, I have been in that situation SO often! When we rented a farm, I had a large kennel set up in the barn with yard access so I could hustle the pups out there when I needed to. I also padlocked it and hid the keys sometimes. Unfortunately, we had to leave the farm a couple years ago, so the basement is the best I can do with the pups for now. I am just thankful that my wife is a cat lover, and the cats can do no wrong in her eyes. I would be terrified for my cats (I have 4) if I heard the things your husband said about your cat.
Irish, I am not sure if we are keeping the dog or not. But, the decision won't be based on the rabbit incident. This particular dog is part of a larger issue. She needed a place to go after a fear-bite or she would be put down, so I picked her up. We actually aren't sure if she will fit in with our other dogs (3), and she needs a lot of training. She is about 4, and doesn't know "sit" yet. We are working with our dog trainer with her, and we will see what happens. She is doing really well with crate training already. I have actually successfully done aggression rehab with 3 other dogs, one I still have, one is living happily with my parents, and one had to have more intensive rehab with our trainer, and is back with her family now. The timing here wasn't great, but I knew it was wrong to euthanize the dog without even trying to help her, and I couldn't sit by and do nothing. Dogs really ARE the best companions! And, they keep me grounded and focused on what I need to be doing.
Linsc, I think you put your finger right on it. I struggle with this line all the time. I hope that I will get the compassion without enabling part down better with my work in the program. I know I have been a fantastic enabler in the past, and I am constantly assessing my actions to try to be as sure as I can that they aren't enabling. I think this will get easier with time.
Ladybug, I can echo your statement. poof. Divorce plans gone. I decided to give myself a year when I started my program before making any major decisions myself, but it was a relief to think that she might actually move out. Ah, well. We shall see what happens this year, and where I am this time next year.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I also have been in a relationship where there were lots of demands and ultimatums and hysteria. Being unhealthy myself at the time, I caved in to the pressure. I thought, "I can't let us break up over a little thing like [whatever]!" And there were so many of those things, in time... Because my ex had no ability to get perspective or calm himself down, so there were a lot of episodes.
Yelling and name-calling is one kind of abuse, and threatening divorce is another kind of abuse. Even if she doesn't mean it, obviously it's meant to be traumatic, or why say it in the first place?
The dog may not be right for your home, but like everything else (divorce, too), that should be decided from a place of calmness and thoughtfulness.
It sounds like you've got some good steadiness, in some very trying circumstances. Hang in there.
The dog doesn't have a side. The dog is a dog. It was left unsupervised and unattended, and this is a tragic consequence of that decision that my wife made while I was at work.) 