The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been going to f2f al anon meetings for 3 months and am working the program very intently. I've also been listening to speaker tapes daily, and it get so much from them. I attend an open AA meeting each week, which helps me develop compassion that I lacked here at home with AH and alcoholic stepson (I think it's funny that his acronym is ASS, so I obviously need to be here LOL).
ive found that as I've begun to keep my side of the street clean and make amends when I need to and mind my own business, I am not as attracted to my AH. I've never been one to withhold sex, and we've always had a good sex life, but lately Im finding myself a lot less interested. I thought on it for awhile, and I think it's because I'm so repulsed by my AH's total denial and lack of parenting with regard to the 24 yr old ASS, who lives with us. Sadly, this smart and handsome young man is well into stage 3 of alcoholism, and my AH refuses to draw any boundaries, to offer any assistance, or to do anything more than express fleeting concern to ASS. Ive lost so much respect for AH on this issue (i pride myself on the honest but tough love relationship I have with my own daughter). i find AH's level of denial about ASS to be very unattractive. Anyone have e/s/h to offer on this topic? Thanks
I can relate to this. Before alanon i had a warped idea of who my exah actually was. I had somehow put him on a pedestal, i thought he was brave, strong and tough although i also resented him and hated him some of the time. Working the program meant that reality, just the bare truth of who he was crept in and i could see he was actually only human, quite weak in many ways. The rose coloured glasses came off and i could see not only him but who i had become too. I realised he wasnt my cup of tea really, his drinking got out of hand again anyway so it just clicked that there was not anything about him or our relationship that i wanted. His reactions to everything and everyone including out teenage son was a big influence too. It was a complete turn off and i ended it completely after about 6 months. Not that im saying that will happen to you but ive been on my own for a good while now and i love it.
I am not sure what my solution is but for the moment I try to keep an open mind and stay true to myself. AH broached the subject of sex this morning in fact and asked how we could overcome the log jam. I said that I thought that most newly dating couples start with conversation. I think I need to be reintroduced to the positives that initially attracted me to my husband. Perhaps we need a few date nights?
As for his approach to certain life decisions - those choices are his. I might not always agree with them and I might make different choices for myself, which I can voice. I might even use his choices as an excuse to dislike him, even though that is damaging to my well being and security. I suspect that I would be struggling to respect his choices so what I try to do in those situations is visualise how I would be reacting if it was someone else who was making that choice - could I respect their right to a different opinion and like them anyway?
Yes, my relationships are always based on respect. As my husband has repeatedly gone through struggles I find myself less and less attracted to the man in front of me now. The hardest part of that is I'm desperately mourning the loss of the man I married. It's a tough place, he is changing in ways I don't like or understand and I'm so sad for losing what we used to have and can't ever have back. I'm having a hard time with this as well. You are not alone or crazy feeling this way! i feel very torn between loving the man he was and loving the man he is right now.
I had a realization a long time ago that you can't expect your alcoholic to be the person you originally began dating. I'm sure there was passion and so much love and emotion at the beginning, believing it would never change. But it does change. We, as the "bystanders" feel we lose our lovers to alcohol over time and feel a sense of loss. What is more difficult to see is that the alcoholic has lost you as a passionate lover, too. We are not as "loving" or as "passionate" as we once were, either. The alcoholic is not to blame as much as the change and evolution that occurs over time in a relationship anyway.
It is important to realize that making love is a significant part of a loving relationship. The alcoholic may seem very unattractive in the midst of the alcohol abuse. Granted... Nobody has to make love to a drunk.
What I try to remember is that I can have boundaries, such as "I don't want to make love when the alcoholic is barely awake or while nonfunctional." But I will make love to my alcoholic if he is coherent, is loving and gentle, and is willing to brush his teeth or not drink as we are making love, and when it is a mutual decision (not a coercion). We both need to feel loved. It's easier when the drinking is not an issue, but find where the boundaries lie and try to make it work so you can carry on your romantic relationship.
__________________
Marie McD
"You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it."
I have similar feelings. About 6 years ago i had a complete hsterectomy and since then have no intimate feelings. hormones etc were not the answer because of my braca gene,cancer taking my sister and dad etc etc. So as my ah was escalating his use of booze, this coincided. I have no interest in him physically and have been feeling obligated to "please" him to save the marriage and placate him. I also was turned off by his breath and body odor as he started not to shower,groom the last month before this rehab visit he is in now.
I think that he thinks that now that he is dry sober i will magically desire him etc.....
sorry if this post offends anyone but it is a real problem...
I know for me sex was another of the intimate parts of our relationship to go. I realised that he only wanted sex when he had been drinking. That means something. It means it wasnt about me or intimacy or an equal thing. It was about him fulfilling his wants in a sloppy inconsiderate way. We dont have a duty to continue with this pretence thats for sure. Its a choice like everything else. I learned that I was more of an object to him, it could have been anyone really. It wasnt a healthy relationship type of intimacy, is that possible with an active drinker?
I wrote on this subject last week - I'm glad you shared as well. I think as we work the steps and program there is a grief over what has been lost, who has been hurt and how did we get here? Under your revulsion may actually be some grief or resentment or perhaps another feeling? ...
Respect is another tough one isn't it? I try to tell myself that I respect the vows I made and I respect myself and that if I feel like being intimate would be a good thing for ME that I will respect that too. If my AH wants a desire not in me, I open the door to dialogue to share with him what I need and how I'm feeling. If he can't go there, that's ok. ODAT.
I think if we're feeling resentful, hurt, angry, obligated or repulsed it's ok to take it easy and turn that over to HP. Journaling helps me too. The answer usually shows up and sometimes it shows up right here on the MIP board!
Also, if I'm busy being angry over something my AH isn't doing or is doing differently from how I want him to do it, or how could he do __________? - I remember to stay on my side of the street, and ask HP to help him with his, and then let go of it and move on with my day and my inner dialogue.
Thank you for the courage to discuss this topic - I'm glad you did!
-- Edited by LedfootJenny on Tuesday 10th of March 2015 04:32:32 PM
Thanks, everyone, I appreciate the e/s/h! It isn't that AH is trying to be romantic when he's drunk. Oh no, when he's drinking, that (and telling dumb stories) are his whole focus. He's never pressured or pushed me to be intimate when I didn't want to, and I've never felt it necessary to draw boundaries in this area because of the aforementioned. I guess I'm just surprised at my sudden loss of attraction to him. It's no coincidence that this week there were major signs that ASS's disease is getting worse, and AH does nothing at all to parent this kid.
Not to be obtuse, but can one of you long timers translate what TiredTonight said?
irish7, I can totally relate to this lack of interest you spoke of. I wish it could be different, but I feel like I have so much resentment and anger about how things are going because of this disease in "our" lives...I have a hard time feeling much of an attraction. Plus my AH is sober less and less and the smell of the alcohol makes me want to vomit (I have developed quite an aversion which is not necessarily a good thing) I'm just feeling a lot of anger and it is affecting all aspects of our relationship. I really need to get all of this under control. Anyway, I digress - you are not alone :) I had to laugh about you're stating "telling dumb stories" OMG this is the most annoying thing to me lately...like I just want to scream!!!!!! I find myself rolling my eyes, my teenagers roll their eyes and walk out of year room...ugh!
