Hi Everyone, 

It has been close to a month since my wife wrecked her car, and I feel like my journey with Alanon has been extremely positive and productive so far. 

I have been working on detachment, and letting my wife make her own decisions and be responsible for those decisions. While I make my own decisions and am responsible for the decisions I make. But, I feel like I am stumbling a bit. 

We live in a pretty rural area. I work in a large city, but my commute is an hour each direction. Should she decide to come to town with me, I got her a bus pass, so she can move independently around the city. Should she decide to stay home, she has a 7 mile walk to the closest small town, which consists mainly of a grocery store, liquor stores, and bars. 

Needless to say, my wife is feeling isolated and alone. She is feeling like she is trapped at home, or a slave to my schedule since she has to go to and from the large city with me. This is a natural consequence of her actions (we got the lab tests back. She was at a .288 when she blacked out and drove her car into a pole). Her mom just got back from Arizona, and my wife is going to have to finally tell her that she got another DUI and totaled the car that her mom got her - and put thousands of dollars in last fall to keep on the road. She is also feeling worthless and unneeded, which she has been voicing more and more often as I work on my program in Alanon. She pointed out that I used to come to her for emotional support and to talk about my feelings, and now I am not doing that. (True, I feel more in control of myself and my situation, and I am generally less emotional and upset than I have been in the past.) She also points out that I seem to not need her help to take care of the house, the shopping, or our sizable number of pets. (Also true - she was in the hospital and not physically able to help since the accident. Before that, she was drunk or hung over almost all of the time, so I figured out how to deal on my own.)

She is expressing more and more that she is depressed and feels like she is worthless and no good to anyone. (But, she doesn't want to go to AA meetings and she doesn't want to read any of her recovery books, and she doesn't want to focus on the positive things that she does for people.) I have taken to giving her a hug, saying that I am sorry that she is feeling that way, suggesting that she begin work on a program, and then dropping the topic. I am really struggling with my response, because I want her to want to be better, and I want her to want to feel good about herself, and to work toward that, but I know that I cannot make her do this. (I tried, this time last year, to get her to go to therapy for her addiction and her self-esteem issues. She went a couple times, then she quit. I was so angry and disappointed at that time, but I was still trying to make her better last year, and I now understand that she is the only one who can make herself work toward getting better.) 

And that is the part that makes it hard for me to follow through with my boundaries. I understand how low she is feeling, and I love her, and it hurts to see her that way. But then, there is the part that makes it easy for me to follow through with my boundaries...

She read up on "fatty liver" online as well, and has determined that it is ok for her to drink beer and wine again now, because fatty liver resolves in about 2 weeks if you don't abuse alcohol, according to what she read online, and she went 2 weeks without drinking, so she has determined that her liver is fine again, and that she can begin to drink according to her take on moderation management again. (Which, in my understanding, is not actually limited to what even the moderation management program claims is ok...) She threw an alcoholic temper tantrum in the truck after we left the grocery store last time, because I spent $8 on rawhide chip chews made in the USA for the dogs, and I would not spend $3.99 on a bottle of wine. I told her that it wasn't about the relative cost, and that I did not want to spend my paycheck on alcohol. She wanted to "celebrate" my productive weekend of writing on my thesis on Sunday night with a bottle of wine. (Mid you, it was Friday when we stopped at the grocery store.) I told her that I did not want to include wine in any celebration, and I would rather celebrate with ice cream or chocolate, if anything. St. Patrick's Day is coming up, and this means, for whatever reason, that she must make Irish stew and Corned Beef and Cabbage. Of course, Guinness is in both, so she simply HAS to have a pack of Guinness. And, she wants to make red wine chicken and her red wine Brussels sprouts, too. I can drink the last bit of the wine that she doesn't use to cook with if I want. I stated that I prefer my Brussels sprouts with a simple butter sauce. 

And, I found myself back in that feeling of dread - first trying to get me to have a beer with her, then trying to get me to buy a bottle of wine to celebrate some accomplishment of mine, then needing to cook with alcohol because of some holiday, and then cooking with alcohol in general because those are her favorite recipes. All I can see is the same roller-coaster ride I have been on so many times before, and I feel like she is about to spiral out of control again. 

So, I am struggling with her depression issues and balancing letting her made her own decisions (if she insists on buying the Guinness, and cooking with it, that is her choice, and she can spend the money she gets from cleaning her mom's house to do it), and my need to not have alcohol emanating through every aspect of my life. I told her that I am worried about her rapid return to drinking and her gradual increase in consumption, but left the conversation at that statement. I think that I am doing ok, and that I have the balance kind-of right here, but I always question it, I guess. And I think re-reading my posts and my thoughts is a good way to check-in with reality once in a while. 

Thanks for reading. That was a long one, lol!