Hello Mersi,Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I do believe that the feelings that you express and the anxiety and uncertainty that are part of your life, may be symptoms of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

We do have and an ACOA message board here at MIP and it might help you to post your question there as well. Here is the link


acoa.activeboard.com/forum.spark


I copied an excerpt from that board below and it might prove helpful for you

Why We First Came to ACA

Our lives didn't work; they had become unmanageable. We exhausted all the methods we thought were supposed to have made us happy, healthy, and successful.

In trying to reach our desired ends, we exhausted our resources. We often lost our creativity, our flexibility, and our sense of humor.

No matter what we did, the results no longer gave us the thrill, the joy, the sense of power, or the feeling of elation they once did. We were at a dead-end.

Continuing the same existence was no longer an option. Nevertheless, we couldn't quite abandon the notion that if we knew just one more thing about how the world worked...So we tried one more time. With little to win, nothing to lose, we came to our first meeting.

End


There is hope and a program of recovery so I urge you to keep coming back and search out face-to-face meetings. If you are unable to find face-to-face ACOA meetings in your community. Al-Anon face-to-face meetings are beneficial as well. Al-Anon is a recovery program for those who live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. You qualify

Mersi most of us grew up in the disease one way or
Another. It could have been a generation back. It is
A family disease. So please attend face to face meetings
in Your area to begin your healing journey.

Alanon is a me program. Its about healing from the inside
Out. Learning self love,self care and self acceptance. Learn
To hand over your will to the care of your HP.

So much damage is done in childhood. Your feelings
And emotions dont matter. You stuff down your hurts
And those behaviors get carried over into adult life.

It all takes time and commitment on your part to
Go to the meetings and learn,listen and absorb the
Wisdom from others who have travelled your path.

Getting in touch with your emotional self is scary
Stuff but there are people willing to hold your hand
And help you along your healing journey. We are
All in this together to get better and healthier.

I also have drug and alcohol therapist. She is great
And has been very helpful in validating and listening
To me but alanon makes you change and grow if you
are willing. It can be a painful process of self reflection
and facing the past.

I went to alanon meetings and just listened for two
years. i was at rock bottom there was one way and
that was up! I still struggle dealing with all my emotions
And feelings. But i am gentle with myself and dont push
Myself Too hard to deal with things i am not ready for yet.
It is a process and it takes time.

I just began to enjoy conversations and reading encouraging posts on this site. I, like you, am an ACOA. I'm also married to an alcoholic husband. My father was my A when I was growing up. He often made me feel worthless and incapable of love, whether or not he meant to do that. My life now? It's rough because I married someone so similar to my dad. It's challenging to get over the feelings of imperfection regardless of how much I try to be perfect. I am sick as an adult because my parents were sick. They taught me to hold resentment, feel anger and keep it down inside, never tell or talk about the alcohol, etc. The quicker we ACOAs get to meetings and read the literature out there, the better. A great book my mom gave me to read was "Perfect Daughters." It helped so much. In terms of who I feel I am: I'm a product of a loving relationship that also happened to include an alcoholic. I struggle with some depression, but it's not all my parents' fault. Sometimes, I want to scream and run and hide, but I'm an adult. I found something I love to do, which is teaching, and I pour my heart into that, especially when I'm upset. My suggestions are go to meetings, read about what it means to be an ACOA, recognize what needs to change in your life to make you happy, and find something you love to do (no matter what it is) and do it! Good luck.