The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I am not supposed to be trying to fix my Alcoholic, nor do I think I am in any way responsible for my A's choices.
But if I feel annoyed at their repetitious blaming, negativity, and bad decisions.....does that mean I have not let go?
Does anyone ever get to the point where the A' blaming, negativity and bad decisions roll off like water off a duck's back?
I cant be bothered listening to all that. You could waste valuable hours, years listening to that. I read recently that negative responses and attitudes can actually change our genes so it becomes very difficult to change. I know i was in the habit of thinking negatively for a few years there. Im grateful for the program that has helped me see my negative attitude and given me tools to retrain my thinking.
I dont think you need to listen to it. Is it not okay to have a boundary where you can remove yourself from their company before they really get gojng? Is it ok to say, your negativity is having a negative effect on me so i will talk to you later when your feeling better, bye? Is that rude? Is it just the honest truth of the matter?
alcoholism kind of is negativity. Untreated alcoholism whether drinking or dry is too much for me. I dont do it much these days. In a way to sit and listen and reason with the negativity is encouraging it and letting it in to my mind and space and i get to control my mind and space so the choice is mine really as to whether i take part. I cant really anymore, i find myself wandering away, almost like a force bigger than me is carrying me away from the negative poor me attitude. Maybe you get to the enough is enough point where its physically impossible to listen one second more.
My A doesn't live with me so our conversations are always by text (which I can just delete if they are supremely negative or just pure hogwash) or less often by phone. My phone ringers go to silent at 8 pm. But when we do talk, when my A is "under the Influence" (which is 95% of the time when she calls) it is really hard to even get a word in edgewise (she seems unable to hear as well).
When I try to speak to try to say "let's talk another time" or set boundaries like "I can't understand you" or "I don't want to hear about ___________", I find I have to either just hang up or really raise my voice and repeat her name again and again so she can hear me (and both of those things have me behaving in a rude way that I am not very comfortable with).
I think being fed up with it is progress because i remember buying into it trying to make it better for the a, trying to fix and save so it looks like you ha e let go of that which is progress. It sounds like you have accepted the disease for what it is. It could be that your on the next part of the three cs, awareness, acceptance and lastly action. He is what he is, what are you going to do? Kind of thing.
Would you feel better by saying to her when shes sober, if you call me while drunk im gojng to have to hang up ok? There is a woman in my meeting who responds in this way. The phonecalls are far and few now and she sees it as self care. When she speaks to her a brother while hes dru k she gets upset and anxious so she protects herself from that. Drunk alcoholics, does rude even compute? There rudeness is beyond any social norms so i think we do whatever we have to do.
I think it is a positive sign that you can see the "Merry Go Round " and are not willing to jump on and play any longer. Saying I have to run I cannot talk works for me Alanon meetings, steps sponsor will help you to regain your ability to now enjoy life to the fullest regardless of what the A does. Keep coming back
I try to avoid dwelling on what "could have been" if my daughter wasn't an A. The other day I texted her regarding her cat (who has lived with us when she temporarily moved to a "no cats" apartment about 12 years ago). We are going to be gone from home for 4 days and I wondered if she wanted to come pick him up and keep him at her house (she can have a cat now where she lives) while we are gone. I know the likelihood of her showing up is remote so I just left it that if she wants to pick him up, fine, if not, it is fine too (my son lives here and can do it). And, I really feel it is fine if she doesn't show up. I have stopped having any expectation for her to show up for family celebrations or holidays and I make no explanation to anyone who asks why she isn't here.
That sounds like acceptance to me and its hard to accept when its children. Theres freedom in that and theres also the fact that your giving your daughter her dignity by accepting her, not trying to change her, just as she is. I think thats unconditional love. I learned this with my son and it not only freed me but it gave me room to actually see lots and lots of good things about him that were hidden from view for a while. If the phone calls are upsetting or unsettling youthen give yourself permission to put a stop to them in a way that is comfortable to you. She may very well be manipulating you in this way or trying too, so its up to you to stop it. I was manipulated in a similar way by my son and the longer i allowed it, it continued. Eventually, i stopped engaging and it stopped, just like that.
I do not talk on the phone with my dry ah unless a real
Problem arises. He uses a nasty tone of voice. We generally
Text,email or write in notebook. Mostly he does not respond
Back which is good. He is so full of resentments it is not
A healthy conversation any way it goes but the nasty tone
Stays with me and hurts afterward.
This is, for me, a brilliant question and as I think about it I am surprised at my change in attitude.
A couple of years ago I would have hoped to see answers that say 'yes, one day you will find that it really does roll right off like water off a ducks back' and I would have hoped to have seen folks recommending ways that I could learn to do that as well.
Now, for me, my first thought is 'why wouldn't it hurt me to have to listen to so much negativity etc', and 'what can I do to protect myself and avoid having to listen to it?'
I had a situation this week where AH kept coming at me with a pile of negativity disguised as wanting to make progress on repairing our relationship. It hurts, it shuts me down if I absorb any of it and I don't want to be shut down any more. I like the advice that others have given. Thank you.
I work on a front desk receiving people to our dept. I have done this for 8 years. I am a captive audience for employees also as I cannot walk away or close my door! People come to me and tell me their whoa's and when it gets negative its commonly called "dumping" on someone. I have learned who does it and when in conversation its coming. I can't let it happen because it can spoil one's whole day... its outright rude to do, but they don't realize it. I can politely say "sorry I gotta get this done" and turn back to my computer. Or if complainers call on the phone, I interrupt them mid sentence (politely but firmly) and say "what is it that you wish to get accomplish today" if I was at home I might say someones at the door.... I need to protect my self as I am sensitive. My boss use to do it all the time. I finally told her I did not want to here about her family issues and why she is late almost every day mostly because half of them are lies and she insults me by thinking I am going to believe her fantastic stories. I wasnt rude to her I said it sincerely and never mentioned it again. Of course these are not drunk people and they are mostly coherant. So it will take a little more persistance until she understands you don't want her "dumping" on you. I wish you success in not accepting these kind of one sided conversations. I am not sure why people do it, looking for validation? But usually they don't even care what your opinion is. Keep close to Al-Anon and the steps within, with help of your HP you can make a change. Peace linsc
I feel annoyed often. This has become a red flag for me in my own recovery.
Because when it happens I have to ask myself ( as I just did this weekend ) "is there a carrot dangling in front of me that has me off course"? Am I chasing my A's rabbit hole? If there is something about him that is positively annoying me and causing me to ruminate in my thinking pattern - I'm not working my program. He's taken my peace, my self care focus, my serenity - for a moment. I have (once again) set aside myself to ponder, analyze, compartmentalize, agonize etc.....over his addiction???
I want to be done with that, because it IS a "merry-go-round" and round that leads to nothing but another rabbit hole.
I want to be able to disengage, step back and allow him to process his own program and problems.
Quite frankly - I have enough of my own. My children have been "groomed" by the addict-egg-shells that we're all so carefully tip toeing around in relation to his mood/wants/needs/demands. I've enslaved them and myself as a result of this, and this is NOT acceptable. Here lies my greatest grief.
So - I don't know if it's ever so easy as "water off a ducks back" - but I CAN identify when I'm getting on ruminating rabbit hole merry-go-round and I can absolutely step off and focus on self.
And often my cue that this is happening is annoyance.
Hugs to you on your journey - I'm glad you're here.
