The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When last I posted here, A had been staying over and making himself indispensable. I mean he was, for a couple of weeks, really, really nice. Nicer and more helpful to me than he has been. quite literally, EVER. And I was thinking well, hey, maybe? Of course it deteriorated, he started trying to enforce his will all over everything, throwing little tantrums and being sulky, I started wanting him to leave, he started manufacturing situations where he couldn't (he brought over the mower after driving me to my course in my car. Then he wasn't leaving without his mower which he couldn't take unless I drove him home which I couldn't do until I had money for petrol which I didn't have because he borrowed it all and then some, and besides he brought food from his freezer to "share" yet threw a tantrum every night when it was time for "his turn to cook" and ate my food over and over but he couldn't go home until he had eaten his frozen food or it would be spoiled on the journey so of course he never ate it...and so on. Just crazy mind bending impossibilities, you know how it goes. But I fell into the trap for a little while, and when things ceased being fun and pleasant I found I had allowed myself to be manipulated into being uncomfortable and helpless in my own home and I found it really hard to take off the rose coloured glasses and pick up my toolbox, at least for a few days. I allowed myself to be bullied and marginalised in my own home, so not OK and so not happening again. I don't like who I am when I am around him and I don't like the way this home feels when he is staying in it.
So this is all good, a little learning experience, I found it impossible to not engage, I found myself outraged, in tears, stuttering and beside myself not knowing how to deal with the sudden reversion to sulky unreasonable 5 year old, and that's a good thing. I'm Still Powerless. I didn't do much, got a bit depressed, tired, felt unwell, skipped classes, let the house get messy, total relapse.......and then one morning last week after a night of refusing to speak to me for reasons I was not privvy to, he demanded I drive him to the station as he had had enough of my &^%%$ and was going home. "Make sure you grab everything that's yours!!!" I practically sang as I danced out to the car and started the engine...lol. When we got there he decided to tell me what the terrible sin I had committed to warrent his silence and anger had been. I hadn't bought a lettuce the night before. Yep, he had wanted a lettuce and if I had just bought one everything would have been fine but I only had myself to thank for ruining everything. OK, now during his several nights sleeping on the couch he had been on gambling websites constantly calculating his new system and it was payday for him that day so, if a lettuce was the best excuse he had to leave without paying me the money he owed and make me the bad guy then, OK. For want of a lettuce my illusion was lost.
Anyway after I got back from depositing him at the train station I cried for about half an hour, I mean really cried and then...wow. Talk about energy, I sat down at my computer and caught up on my online classes and assignments, went to all of my classes for the rest of the week, sang and danced as I cleaned the house from top to bottom, long walks with child and dog each afternoon. It was quite incredible how much energy I suddenly had with his negativity away from me. Even when he was here and being nice I was lazy and apathetic, I don't know how or why but when I am around him I seem to have no life force. After a long break from it and then seeing how I reacted to being with him 24-7 again, it was so glaringly obvious. I do not like who I am around that man and there's just nothing else to it. So I haven't spoken to him since and I'm pretty fine with that. He did send me a message to say he "accidentally" took my credit card with him, I just froze it and will have a new one issued after the weekend. I don't even want to know where that game was headed. So I guess I am seeing how "being together but not living together" works. It's more of the same, we just get more creative at playing out the same scenario under different circumstances. Our illnesses are very set in their ways. So I wanted to try and now I know and I have no regrets.
So life was not all dandy after that, the gas was cut off and we had no hot water or oven or stove for 3 days, and my car is having major issues and I recieved some bad, bad financial news as well as a lot of bills. I was feeling really worried and angry that things have become SO hard again all of a sudden and I had a big long moan to my mother on the phone about the fact that I cannot seem to get on top of my finances, my car is dying and I can't afford to fix it, I cant work with no car in my current job, it all seemed impossible and unfair and I unloaded on her. Mother and I have been getting along and talking daily, as I have said before we get along well when we are on neutral ground and I am not in her home. She had even sent me a message to say she loves me "even though we cannot coexist under the same roof". It has been nice to be friends again. So, the next day I went to class and the whole way there I practiced, practiced being in the moment, letting go and letting HP, trusting that it would be OK, reminding myself that I always have enough in the end and to just relax and do the next right thing....so I was sitting in class and a text message arrived. From my mother.
It was a picture of a shiny almost new little car. With a message saying "Your new car, do you like it?"
Nope, I'm not kidding.
Wow?
No strings or anything, when I spoke to her she just said "If you don't want it I'm sure one of your siblings will be thrilled to have it. But I hope you take it because you'll feel much more confident driving a reliable car and it is small and zippy and I think you'll love it. Just keep it nice because it's in great condition and if you decide you don't like it you will be able to sell it for a good price and buy something you like better".
So she's bringing it down next week with the transfer papers, I can sell my old car and hopefully get enough to buy a decent computer too.
Like I said, wow. There is a little part of me that feels weird being 38 years old and having my mother buy me a car but I am telling that voice to just be quiet and let me enjoy it. Because, yay!!!
So how is that for an unexpected turn of events?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
A reliable car makes it a lot easier for me to work and wrest control of my finances, I believe that was what my mother had in mind with this amazing gift. I had a lot of trepidation about taking on jobs or seeking any employment that required driving with my car on its last legs yet I so needed money from employment to fix or replace my car....this catch 22 had me feeling very defeated. Now there are a lot of possibilities that weren't there before, it's exciting and I am quite blown away.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
WOW is right! that's great, that feelig of being trapped with unreliable transportation makes it so people can get work, but often have problems keeping work. I'm glad this situation is resolving for you, yes, it makes a huge difference!
Is it weird that I feel an actual sadness for my old falling apart wagon? It has served me well and housed myself and child and dog on some of those nights towards the end when A was dangerous to be around. I must be nuts, I actually feel a little guilty about replacing it. It's my first car, do normal people feel this attachment or am I just stark raving mad? lol!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Yes MsM I can identify You are very normal and I do understand .
The car represents many diferent events in your life and has memories. It is understandable.
Use our tools, be grateful for all the times that you shared , bless it, and move on to your new adventure
Mel Your mom is involved in your life and struggles...she is watching and caring just as we do with the alcoholic. She's got the picture just and well and you and we do. You said yes to the alcoholic yet again and it came out the same. I read your post and I hear what I heard early on when I was enabling the alcoholic and her disease that came from within the rooms and for which I did understand until I surrendered. If nothing changes...nothing changes. I needed change in spite of any thoughts of "well maybe this time". I refused to believe and act as if the disease doesn't change on words alone. Once an alcoholic...always an alcoholic is what was given to us from the other rooms and I finally accepted that without condition. It bit you again and will continue to bite you when you reach out thinking "this time it will be different". (((((hugs)))))
I think jerry made a good point. That merrygoround is always turning. The choice to get on is yours. You could spend years getting on and off. I beljeve the choosing to get on is where the answers lie. The merrygoround never changes, same old dysfunction just played out in different ways. The pretence we buy into like well a and b has changed so we might not get to c this time is denial. C is always the destination. The chaos, ugliness, mind games, manipulations etc. If people are sick they are sick. Knowing this and still choosing to play is our own sickness. Its the whole definition of insanity, dojng the same things over and over and expecting different results. This was my home for years, my whole adult life, so i know it well. I didnt know what i didnt know though. I didnt know i was sick or insane. I do now and it might sneak up on me but im vigilant these days so i spot it sooner or later. What are you getting out of this relationship?
lol Kenny, thanks!? lol
I also must enquire about your avatar. Was this part of a production of Jesus Christ Superstar? That's what came to mind for me lol. You may have discussed it in another thread but I didn't see and am still curious
Jerry I did stop and take a breath after reading your words. Truly, nothing changes if nothing changes.
I did comfort myself and "get myself through" the process of no longer living with A by telling myself that we could still see each other, just not live together. I also saw an abuse counsellor for some time towards the end of our time living together and she suggested the same, I didn't have to "end it forever", I could move into my own space and we could "date" and see how it went. I knew what this idea was and why she suggested it and I also knew it was the best I could do with what I had at the time. That for me was the only way I could move forward and do what needed to be done, to tell myself it wasn't "over forever" but just transitioning to something better, something I could better manage. I often identify with people here on MIP who feel absolutely "hopelessly devoted" to their A partners, and not for no reason. When I began this journey I was so emeshed with and addicted to my A and his drama that I actually felt sick and as if I would die when he was angry or away from me. When I first came here I explained that any time we fought and separated I became sick, shakey, my hands and feet would become numb, and I would be unable to function. When my daughters father left I spent a year like that, in a perpetually sick and helpless state, and it never eased! Without recovery I actually still felt as alone and terrified a year later as I had the day he left! And then I met A and clung on even tighter...until this time in my life I had been in constant seriously sick and codependent relationships since i was 13 years old. This is in actual fact the FIRST time in my life I have lived alone (as the only adult) and not been focused on a man or desperately hoping the sick man in my life is going to move in with me and "complete me". This new "all by myself" home and life is a shiny new fresh out of the box thing for me and I am loving it but I am approaching it with a lot of caution. Am I really OK? I suspect I am, but I am still going slowly. Sick, heartbroken codependent me still terrifies me. Much like learning to drive, I am governed by unreasonable fear and I unravel more of it every day. I wanted to see how it would go if I lived in my own home and dated A. I needed to see for myself, try it out. That was my choice and something I was entitled to do!!!! He was agreeable so I got to try it out. Guess what, it sucked. I was never one to believe the stove was hot without checking it for myself.
I guess the best thing about my recovery and my journey are that they are mine. I don't really give a pickled fig if anyone thinks I am recovering "properly" or not. I know what is the same and what is different in my life and I am very grateful for where I am and what I am discovering. I might be going slowly but I am enjoying every moment of it. I feel really good about what I have learned over these past few weeks and the fact that I do not feel sad or worried that I am not in communication with A and not in any way willing to have him in my home again. That's not to say I don't have a hell of a lot still to learn or a lot of respect for the wisdom of al-anon. Just, I respect my own choices too now and tonight I am alone in my room, I drove my daughter to and from her friday night youth group activity across town and I spoke without fear to the youth group leader who in actuality really scares me, and now daughter is asleep and I am happy all by myself and for me that is absolutely fantastic.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I can understand that, taking one more journey alone the old familiar path. Its not easy letting go, for me that was the key to my issues. I wasnt ready until i was ready either. I had to get to a good few home truths first though, in order to be ready. I dont know if ready just comes out of the blue or whether you get there through looking within and when youve looked within enough and faced the fears you become ready. Im not sure. Noone can judge your recovery, only you know what your recovery looks like and even thats not as simple as it sounds. We can run from recovery the same way weve always run from ourselves. I know i do from time to time. Im glad you are happy and are free again. It does sound like your higher power gave you what you needed. That life we lived is always there whenever we want to live it again.
Very exciting. I am so happy that you will have a car without any problems...hopefully. I think your mom did a very nice thing by buying the car for you. Your life is looking up. We all care about you Melly. Take care and keep in touch
One of the wonderful things about this program is "progress not perfection." This concept calls each of us to work out our recovery for ourselves, learning what works and what doesn't, with the understanding that things change over time. The best thing about meetings for me is that it's like we all come and lay the tools we have acquired in the middle of the room, creating a great pile from which each person can select to try for themselves.
I myself stayed far too long in an abusive marriage, due to many pathological problems with my own thinking (zero self-esteem, fear, belief that I did not deserve better, etc.). That is why I can get strident when I see another in a similar situation.
I am playing bass at a church Vacation Bible School. I was part of the band that year, and I also was playing an old shepherd in a skit, so I just wore my costume when the band opened and closed every night.
This church has had 500or more kids in our Vacation Bible School, it's a lot of fun to participate in. My wife wrote the sketch that I was in, it was just her and me.
I am so happy for you. You deserve this Ms.M
