The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ah is 95 days sober and I realized that I know why I am having such a hard time. Mine was never physically abusive but definetly emotionally abusive and very manipulating. He is trying and I am trying since last weeks therapy appointment he hasn't been as negative and grumpy which has helped me so much. I realize that even when he as a moment of not being on his a game I get anxiety. I am so exhausted that the inside can barely take it. I think he is aware of it too because last night he apologized for being that way. He is human, I know that but I can't help the anxiety that comes with it. I don't dream and the night before last I had two very violent dreams. I looked up dream interpretation and it nailed it. It said I have been let down by the men in my life and that I don't trust them. Wow! So even though I tell him I'm ok the inside if me is still hurt and doesn't trust him at all! How can u make it in a relationship without trust. I pretend a lot these days with him. He tells me thank u for staying with me, thanking u for forgiving me, and all I can think of is I don't know that I do but I don't want to see u whine and mope around So I lie just to keep things calm who is manipulating now, who is the liar now? It is so weird how this disease is. I feel like I am waiting for his next grumpy and negative moments and waiting to say see I knew u would do it! I no longer have hope I think, if ao
Helpangel all that you are feeling and describe, I have felt and understand Living with this disease, without the help of alanon caused me to develop negative coping tools that really hurt me. It was explained to me that even if I ended the relationship I would still have these feelings and the only way to recover my true self and happiness would be to attend meetings, work the Steps and remember to be gentle with myself
Why does the rest of the world seem to say "I'm not happy in this relationship, and move on" and we alanons tend to focus on why and if it's fair or not etc.
I'm not saying one way or the other is good or bad! surely there is something to be said positive about our deep love and commitment,, even though it often seems one sided. I'm saying I do not see other non alanon type people struggle with worrying so much about how the other person feels, it's as if "earth people" have more self preservation and al anon's are emotional "cutters" we just hang on to the pain.
It is so very nice to see that Help Angle's husband seems to appreciate her struggle! My ex A bf certainly never seemed to but he was an overly extreme case I know as am I an overly extreme case of al anon ism's .
I hope we all reason it out as best we can, turn it over to higher power and then make our best choice, because no choice at all is eventually a choice in an of it's self. Yet I also believe it is super healthy and helpful to sometimes just say "just for today" I choose this or that... but eventually... at some point.. it's got to be what is best for ourselves overall, I think our higher power wants us to take care of ourselves otherwise why would we be the only ones we have control over.. ??
Just my rambling thoughts today...
Best wishes and hugs Help Angle... take care of you!
-- Edited by glad on Thursday 5th of March 2015 11:20:12 AM
I absolutely understand what it is that you are describing, I have had the same struggle and it can really get me to a place where I don't like myself if I am not careful. I sometimes wonder about this and I think that now that my husband is not drinking my feelings are coming to the surface and that makes me uncomfortable to say the least. Like you I went for a long time not dreaming (or at least not remembering them when I woke up in the morning) and as Hotrod says, I think that I will still have to cope with these feelings regardless of whether or not I stay in my marriage.
So for now my thoughts are as follows:
I have fought hard for our marriage and now I deserve rest, peace, to take all the treats that I can get my hands on, and look after myself. I need to restore my own balance and equilibrium. So I have told my husband in the nicest possible way that I don't need any negativity or problems in my life right now. If he wants to feel sorry for himself I walk away and if any of those negative feelings stick to me then I go out and create good memories for myself. I do not lie any more. I have told my husband that I am struggling to trust him and that his actions will speak to me more than words. Yesterday I went to a wonderful yoga session and it felt as if someone had realigned my body. I noticed that my thoughts were all positive ones, I was experiencing my old, positive self for the first time in ages. So I am finding that taking care of me is helping me in lots of different ways.
Working on ME is also helping me. I don't trust that my spouse of 43 years will have my back, especially in emotional issues. I take care of my own issues the way that grown ups do.
I heard once at a meeting that I should try to put as much thought into my alcoholic's life as he puts into my life. So I had to pay attention to how much he does think about me. And that got rid of my guilt about most of the things that I now think and do.
"Just for today" is a wonderful way to live. I can look after myself and not get mixed up in his stuff. If he asks for my opinion or asks me to proofread an email, I can give my opinion and not get emotionally involved in his reception of my opinion.
I live in reality today, not fantasyland. My reality can change. I can change. He can change. Life changes. I can move with the changes if I can see reality. I don't trust him. There is a real reason I don't trust him. There is history. I can't change that history. I can only look at the present and see the reality of change or lack of change.
