The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an addict. To my knowledge, he has not been using for some time now. But things are just awful. His behavior is erratic and I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop and then his incredible anger will come crashing down. He refuses or 'forgets' to tell me his schedule. I have no idea when he will be home and when he will not be. And if he is home, he 'wants to be on his own' and yammers on about respect for someone who goes to work all day. Never mind that I stay home with 5 kids AND work part time. So he expects to come and go as he pleases and do whatever he wants when he is home. And I let him because I fear his anger. I know I need to leave this marriage. But I cannot find the strength to do it. I find that living year after year with this crazy person has totally and completely messed me up. Before I do anything, I find myself thinking how he will react. How should I do it so as not to anger him. Most often, I can't. I cannot please this man. Yet I find myself completely powerless to leave him. As much as I want to, that will leave me with 5 kids to raise on my own. I am not sure I can do it. I realized recently that I had started to believe the crap that he tells me. I shy away from making decisions because I fear his response so I let him make them. That doesn't satisfy him. Nothing does. He withholds anything in his power that I want/need. Right now, money is a huge issue. He feels so powerful because he has it and I don't. I recognize that all this is sick, sick behavior and it has got to stop. I need to pull myself together to leave this man. I do not see how this is in any way salvageable. I need to get myself into a better place so that I can do this. I know detachment is the thing to do when he starts his rants. But the detachment actually increases his outrageous behavior and I don't know how to deal with it. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself that I have stayed this long, to the detriment of me and my children. I kept thinking that if he just ________, things would get better. Well, it's not better. If anything, it is worse. I need to learn the tools to deal with this craziness until I can find a way out. It's not as simple as just leave. if you got this far, thank you for reading. I have never really talked to anyone about this before.
Dear trying to move on, welcome to MIP. I am so glad that you found us and had the courage to share with such honesty and clarity. You are not alone and there is hope and help.
Addiction is a disease over which we are powerless. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. As you have indicated, by living with this disease and tryinng to cope with the insanity,we too become affected and need a program of recovery. Al-Anon is that recovery program.
Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number can be found in the white pages. Breaking the isolation's caused by living with this insanity is extremely important for mental health. Learning new constructive tools to live by also helped to restore my self-esteem and self-worth.
Living one day at a time, focused on myself, trusting into a power greater than myself, all worked together to restore my ability to make healthy choices.
Just PM'd you. I hope that feel some relief after "talking" about this for the first time. I am so glad you're here!!! Today is a good day - because you've chosen to step out into the light. It won't feel that way at first, but the truth prevails and is even more powerful than our feelings or our addicts antics. Our higher power and truth always rise above our pain and allow us to find sanity. It's a journey worth risking. Welcome.
So glad you have found us. I know just how well dysfunction and emotional problems can wear a person down and make everything seem like a huge effort.
Al-Anon meetings can help us get on our feet again and give us the tools to cope and move forward. Have you found a face-to-face meeting? Some in our town have childcare; they might in yours too. There should be a number in the phone book where you can call and check. Of course you don't have to tell your A you're going (I know that might be a worry).
It sounds as if there also might be a chance your A could be violent? If so I hope you'll make contact with the domestic violence shelter in your area and make a plan for an escape if you should need one. If you're in the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is at http://www.thehotline.org/, 1-800-799-7233. They can also help you formulate a plan in case things turn bad.
But if there's no immediate danger, realize that you don't have to have all the answers now or be ready yet, even if you suspect you'll be ready sometime. There is time to learn the tools, make connections with others who've been through similar things, and heal. One thing I want to say about raising kids as a single parent. We who lived with A's and raised children were already raising them as a single parent. I dreaded being on my own as a parent, but I found it was actually lower stress than trying to parent an extra 200-pound screaming irrational toddler (my A).
Of course the money is a concern. That's the point at which it would be good to get a good lawyer involved. My lawyer told me it was very helpful to document all the A's drunken and unsafe behaviors. In a place or way he would never find it, of course.
But one step at a time. I just wanted to say that there are ways around these obstacles, and that they can happen one by one as you're ready, and you can take it as slowly as you need to. (Unless your life is in danger or your kids' lives - of course that is a much more urgent matter.)
I hope you'll read the threads on here, find a meeting, get some of the free literature, and keep coming back.
Aloha Trying I echo what those who have suggested open Al-Anon meeting because that is what worked for me. Walking on eggs shells is a term I used often and for long periods of times before I came to learn how to take my life back from the disease. I also use to think of it as walking on glass. Waiting for the other shoe to drop was also one of my mental and emotional stages until I found the program and learned it was in the "waiting" that made me ill. Getting into the program gave me what I had to do for me rather than putting my life on hold while trying to decided what would work for living with her disease. If your children are teenaged or older see if Alateen is also available in your area. Check the white pages of your local telephone book. You come to Al-Anon for you and for the experiences that others have had and learned from where you have not as of yet. Welcome to the board...keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome, you have some great insights to start with. I would just caution to be gentle with yourself. It saddened me to hear you say you are "disgusted" with yourself. From all I read, you are doing your best in a difficult situation. It's going to require a lot of support, prayer, and faith to move on. You need not be disgusted with yourself. That shame/disgust feeling will block your progress right there. Be kind to yourself. Do you think any of us are disgusted with you after reading your story? No...only empathy, caring, and support. Treat yourself the same way.
Thank you all for your support. It is difficult to face my reality head on and tell people what's going on. I have gotten so good at pretending everything is ok when really it's falling apart. I have some time to get myself together and ready to make a change. I am new to alanon literature and recovery. Maybe someone can help me understand what is happening so that I can start to process and understand. There is a history of physical abuse with this man. When he was actively using he would hit me until I would give in and give him money to buy drugs. This went on for about a year and a half. I moved into a domestic violence shelter for a few months. That was 5 years ago and it was the last time he laid a hand on me. I know he will not again because he knows I will go to the police. I moved across the country to my family. Time passed and he convinced me there were no more drugs. I have not seen anything to make me believe otherwise since that time. No missing money, no drug smells. Right before our 4th baby was born I let him come back. Things were good...for a while. I realize now he did not stop his addiction, merely shifted it to other things. First it was a new iPad, then religion, then reading about psychology because he has now 'fixed himself' and he is ping to 'show me how to get over the past' because he is now a psychologist after just reading a few books. His current addiction is school. This is deceptive because he's going to college. Good for him. But we can't afford the tuition. He's paying tuition instead of groceries and others necessities. Money has become an intense source of conflict. He wants to do whatever he wants and have me say nothing about it. Never mind that he has a new car, takes classes we can't afford, eats out 2x a day and shops at Nordstroms. The kids and I on the other hand, wear garage sale clothes and hand me downs, eat a lot of beans, and drive a minivan that's falling apart. If I say anything about it, he brings the anger. Money is a topic we cannot discuss, among others. I don't mean to turn this into a rant, I am trying to paint a picture of the life I'm trying to make sense of. The part I'm having the most trouble with is my reactions to him and his garbage. All my fear stems I think from the period of violence during his active addiction. When he says or does certain things, it sends me back to that place when I did live in fear of him. Sometimes it's only a look of disapproval that conjures up the same fear I used to feel. Even though the worst things he does now are run his mouth and withhold things from me. It's me most of the time now who starts the fights and brings up the past. It's me. It's like if I can start the fights on my terms, then I am in control of when he has his temper tantrums. Maybe that's all it is, I'm not sure. Right now I'm staying away from him when he is in the house as much as possible, even if that means not coming out of my bedroom. He doesn't like it. But to me it's much better than the fighting that I can't stop. He calls me lazy when I do that, but I'm not lazy. I am done with the fighting. It only causes more problems. I feel as if I'm rambling now. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I think I'm trying to take my inventory, but truthfully I do not know where to start. I am so wrapped up with him that I don't even know where my stuff starts anymore.
Dear Trying - You have such good insight here. You hit the nail on the head when you say he's moved from one addiction to another. Three tell-tale signs that prove that for sure are that he 1-Continues to be a narcissist without insight into how his behavior hurts others in his life, 2-Decided to "fix himself" without working through his own program and the steps, and 3-leverages power/control/pressure/insults to continue you "stay in your place" and allow him full carte blanch at his addiction and deception, with himself and the world.
I am glad that you have previous experience to draw on. You've made really GOOD decisions in the past - to move, to find shelter and safety and I have faith that by being here and being open, you will absolutely continue to find strength and good decisions.
I hated the pretending that things were ok... It does drain the life and the light out of a person. There is life and healing in this program.
I feel way to "green" to be speaking about inventory, where your stuff ends and his begins or about the literature and overall recovery.
There are those far more seasoned than I to talk about that - I just wanted you to know I appreciate your share SO much, and that you are not alone.
Thanks for the reply Jenny. That really helps me to put a label on the things he's doing. I never thought of him as a narcissist, but I suppose he is. I also keep hearing people talk about "power tools." I have a general idea of what that means, but I'm not sure of specific behaviors. It would probably help me detach to be able to compartmentalize to be able to tell myself "oh, he's just doing _______ and it has nothing to do with me."
Dear trying, it certainly sounds as if you are" trying "very hard to maintain your lifestyle and take care of all your responsibilities.
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings gave me the ability to continue to take care of my responsibilities with different tools that permittedme to first of all, take care myself.
By breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease, connecting with others who truly understand, and learning how to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, responding to situations and not reacting, helped to restore my self-esteem and self-worth. Once I was able to find myself, I could nurture my needs, be kind and gentle to myself, while detaching from others.
Some power tools that I learned were; live one day at a time, keep the focus on yourself, live and let live, the emphasis is on living. That I do not have to justify, argue, defend or engage with anyone and that acting in my own best interest ia important Instead of reacting to situatuins I needed to respond by "Thinking "before I acted.
. Please search out meetings and attend. You are not alone
