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not posted for a while. Been looking after myself & working my program. I've learned loads from alannon & on here & can't believe how much better I am!
anyway, after 2 years of watching My AH suffer with the consequences of his drinking, hes finally made that step & gone to AA. Ive always been really hopeful that this will mean the end to those bouts of binge drinking because I know that he is really receptive to therapy & when he actually puts his mind to something, he will give it his all. as I said I've been mentally preparing for & willing this for the last 2 years, but now it's here I'm surprised at how I feel! I'm a bit sad!
Finding that I still have all that resentment that I thought id let go of, but maybe I've just not reacted to. It feels like I'll never share that with him now in case it makes him feel worse about himself. And, suddenly I am left wondering what our life will look like now. Will he always be in this self loathing state, will we get back what we once had? I know I should be taking one day at a time (I'm usually very good at that) but my mind is racing tonight!
anyone else experienced similar reactions? Feeling like a freak!
Dear Tash, I so recognize the feelings of which you speak and have been there myself. I do believe that I had attempted to forgive my spouse by saying the words, I forgive you and then stuffed all the feelings associated with this forgiveness. This was a defensive tool that helps me when I had no other tools. Once he entered AA and began his program of recovery, my negative anger, resentment and self-pity roared forward.
Thank goodness I was in Al-Anon and had a sponsor because it was at this point that it was explained to me that I must work the steps diligently in order to set myself free of the past. I then began my work on the fourth through the ninth stepand I found these painful emotions lifted and replaced with additional compassion, empathy, understanding and love.
It did not mean that I forgot the painful situations. However, the anger and resentment had been lifted and that was most important.I was also given new tools to respond to the situations so as trusting was not an issue
I urge you to keep working your program you are worth
Tash, please give yourself the gift of time!!! Keep taking care of yourself. He is not thinking of you right now. Don't worry yourself about him either. I was so angry with my hubby that I couldn't think of anything good about him, forgetting the 4 children that we have. I had to make, and remake, and remake a list of good stuff. Sometimes I had to do an alphabetical gratitude list. (A is for apple. I like apples.... And A is for AlAnon.)
I think all the worry that I had was because I was trying to hold on to 'hope' and thinking I was a fool. But Life goes on no matter what you do, so enjoy it just for today. Get rid of the negative thoughts and remember that feelings are just feelings. You can have good feelings and life will still keep going on. Or you can have bad feelings and life will keep going on.
When my wife was in her second rehab, and it was clear she was going to come out sober and in recovery, I was concerned. My anger had not been addressed. Thousands of dollars in legal and medical bills, lost trust between us, lost friends, etc resulted in a burning anger, and I was advised that I shouldn't dump all that on a newly sober A. OMG! The staff recommended that Al Anon was the place where I could deal with that anger.
Just the first step has helped me tremendously in understanding her, and in understanding that I have my part in it. Working in Al Anon has help[ed me to understand better how I have played a part in this, and how I have my own, very dirty, side of the street to clean up. I came to understand that the speck of sawdust that I saw in my wife's eye was really pretty small, it was amazing how I could see around the plank in my own eye to see it!!
But it is a process. Living with a recovering A is somewhat different than living with an active A. You will have to adjust, and so will he; my wife and I have had to work hard on our programs and are starting to meet in the middle and trust is resprouting, interspersed with baggage that we keep having to put aside.
You will get through this just fine, easy does it!
Thank you everyone for your kind advice. Things feel a little clearer today. It's funny how I'd got used to the pattern our life had become. Him not drinking for weeks, thinking he had hold of it then having a blow out. Me ignoring that behaviour, him hating himself then they cycle begins again. I got so good at protecting myself I got to adapt me & be happy. Suddenly I'm faced with a whole new set of issues that scare me just as much as my early dispairing days. Feels like I'm reliving them all over again & I'm just not sure I have the energy!
Yes - I get this feeling. I found myself just this morning saying " I don't want to hear about your program and don't read to me out of that big book, I'm tired of talking and hearing about YOU." Yikes! I hadn't realized how sad, mad and irritable I was considering he's in recovery and not actively using. Shouldn't I be "happy"? I hope to adapt also to these new and changing circumstances...
This is something I remember experiencing as well. For me, being in survival mode for so long made me numb to my feelings, as I didn't have the luxury to stop and notice them along the way. Survival mode also became a comfort zone. (disturbing, I know) When the spare moments surfaced, the delayed emotions I felt seemed inappropriate for the current events. As part of my self-care, I have learned to give myself permission to experience and process (and reprocess) things as I need. Returning to work the steps and all of the Alanon tools is what helps me keep the focus on myself and make decisions that serve me well.
I can also relate. I remeber feeling, right so im to be grateful now and forget everything and pretend it never happened. When i finally got into recovery the anger, years of suppressed anger came up in me but not in a bad way, a healthy way, like i was finally able to handle it. It was good to let go of it. I find it hard to just allow feelings and emotions to come and go. I have a tendancy to grade them as good or bad and if they are bad i suppress them. I think its about acknowledging how you feel and allowing it to pass.
I kind of had the opposite problem, where we my AH got out of rehab and I was TOO optimistic and TOO happy. I didn't prepare myself to deal with what was coming. A newly sober brain is still malfunctioning. Our marital problems returned after a month of sobriety and we were back into our old patterns way too soon. Neither of us really dealt with our "sh*t"
He has since relapsed, and this time around I have a clearer understanding of what is going to happen in sobriety. I need to work on my stuff, and I need to allow him to work on his. I can't delude myself into thinking that sobriety will fix everything. In fact, I no longer will have it to blame for MY problems.
What has made me a little sad is that he is taking on more responsibility this time around. Taking care of his legal stuff, his money, doctors appointments, etc. This is what I have always wanted for him and something I would complain about having to do ALL THE TIME. But now I feel like he doesn't need me. I want to be needed, so I do stuff for people that they could do themselves. That is a sure sign that I need to be in Al-Anon.
I made a career out of care taking others. I'm a nurse who needs to be needed. I got better when I realized that there was someone who needed me. She was me, and it feels really good to come home to myself. It's not easy - it's not quick, but most things worth having are things we work hard for over time.
(((((Tash))))) Allowing the program to put me in perspective, mind, body, spirit and emotions was one of the best decisions I could ever have made. Allowing the program to take my focus off of my Alcoholic/Addict and all of the sickness we participated it was a major miracle. I learned to trust my higher power explicitly and on a daily basis focus on my own self. That was practice, practice, practice and I hardly ever allowed myself to wander from it. The first 3 steps became constant mental, emotional, spiritual and behavioral focus because I knew the part I played in our disease didn't benefit me or us and certainly not her. I felt anger and sadness and insanity and more and learner to add compassion and empathy and support to the mix. At times the necessary changes seemed impossible to do and then learning that our program is only a one day at a time endeavor brought it into bite sized pieces and the in time even smaller as I kept practicing "to thine own self be true. I didn't have much time then to focus on her life other than to express unconditional love for her as best I could. Maybe your concern is about letting go of the control you really never had but thought you did and maybe it might be fear for turning more of your life over to your HP. Now you have the opportunity to watch and learn how HP and the program works in his life as it has in yours.
