The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There are three specific ideas that resonate with me from today's reading:
One--RESPONSIBILITY. Some of it was growing up in such a big family, some of it was growing up with an alcoholic father and parents who divorced bitterly; I had a lot of responsibility as a young child. Now that I have children of my own I recognize that there are things I felt responsible for that I would never want my kids to feel responsible for (I was watching other children at a very young age, I was in the middle of my parents' back-and-forth at times, I heard a lot from my father about his own pain from the divorce, etc.) As I have worked at recovery I have been better able to sort out what I am truly responsible for and what I can let go. Two--the ability to RESPOND. Some of what I described above turned me into a person who has had difficulty expressing herself, or responding to situations or other people in healthy ways. I remember going to meetings for the first time and the best I could do was sit there and listen, crying the whole time! As time went on, and as I read, worked the steps with a sponsor and continued to go to meetings, I got better at responding and am still working on it! Three--RECOGNIZING...when I need help. Letting go of putting my will first still can be a struggle, but I am getting better at seeing when I need help and knowing that my HP is always there helping and guiding me.
Being aware of myself and where I was and where I am has helped me in recovery. I am grateful there are so many around me to help hold me up those times that I need it!
Hi Mary, thank you for sharing the reading in the Hope for Today. I find your summary extremely helpfull and can so identify with your reflections on the 3 Rs--Responsibility-Respond - Recognize.
I too assumed too much responsibility for my family's happiness as a young child. I can see that as a small child of seven or eight , I thought I was all-powerful and that if I acted the right way and found out the right answers everybody would be happy.I did not discover that this was not my responsibility until program.
The ability to respond is an interesting one. Before program I thought that I was always "responding" and that I was thinking quickly and a great problem solver. Al-Anon pointed out that this was not responding. This was reacting and very destructive to my physical, mental and spiritual health.
The last one recognize is interesting as I never did think I deserved help as I was responsible for everything and did not have the right to seek help from anyone. I thought of myself as radically independent and self-sufficient.
Enter Al-Anon and all these beliefs came into question. I saw that my main responsibility was to myself, whom I had neglected. I was powerless over others and that I needed to be kind and gentle to myself, focus of my emotional health, take care of my needs and then, I could reach out and share with others.
Al-Anon also told me that reacting was not responding. Thatby reacting I was giving people power, because I did had not taken the time, to evaluate the situation, process what I saw and then make a decision to respond accordingly. What a gift. Learning to not react is. Responding is a powerful tool.
Lastly, recognizing that I was a human being who is not terminally unique but very human and that I too could reach out for help was a great gift as well. Making sure I go to doctors for checkups, exercise class for my physical health, and Al-Anon for my spiritual help is a wonderful way to live my life.
Thank you Mary for taking the topic and Betty for sharing. Responsibility ... Wow having two perfectionist parents I learned early on how to be ultra responsible and how to take others responsibility on in addition to my own.. As you can imagine taking on others responsibility leads to huge resentments. I loved the above message of self care ... I also love the thought for the day? Checking in with self? What are my wants and needs? Is this working ? And am I taking care of me?? I prayed yesterday morming on a situation and did not have clarity...other than God wants me to stick to my routine. I need security right now.. The gym.. Meetings.. Here.. Phone calls.. Work...I did make two changes. I no longer want to clean my stepsons room and from now on when he does not have school I want him to do the dishes. He's almost 18. I needed to start clarifying what works for me and what doesn't. I'm detached from who will clean it and I'm planning to stay in my own hoop. So gonna be listening to god on what my responsibilities are. I have some but in ending my enabling others I have a lot more free time to play n work my program. I'm gonna do my best to stay in today. Traditionally my so would clean the room for two days n then stop and guess who would begin doin I again. I made it clear last night. I'm done if one of them do not do it dad or son.. I will start praying on a decision for them to find a new place. I have to think of angel and what angel likes and what brings angel Serenity ;) I won't lie I am a little afraid But God never lets me down
-- Edited by karma13 on Tuesday 3rd of March 2015 03:00:14 PM
-- Edited by karma13 on Tuesday 3rd of March 2015 03:01:37 PM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
so why not cross the room and pick up my Hope for Today...?
The bottom quote: "What's important in my life? What do I want? What do I need?"
The quote comes from the Alateen ODAT.
Its a bright summer day here in NZ... I feel comfortable. At this stage in my recovery this feels a bit more like coffee time... where I can mull over those questions in the company of y'all... and any newcomers who come along too... ... welcome from me... ...
I was the oldest of five. We also had six cousins where I was the oldest boy... and these had a big impact on my life too...
I took on a fair bit of responsibility. In the early days our mum was fairly functional... and we had chores- she was #7 of 8 and she really believed in fair shares for everyone- both chores and treats...
...was I lulled into a false sense of security? Today I am grateful for those early years... our mum f=gave me at least, as the oldest, and first, a firm foundation of wisdom... her narratives about her own childhood were rich and vibrant... she introduced me to books like 'The Snow Goose'.
A later, as the pundits say, things really 'turned to custard'. There are phases in my life where I can remember nothing- and that is the very reason i am coming back to meetings, at least for a while...
As you can see i have created this picture in my head of a circle where I can be me. Where I am not feeling alone...
my responses- "my respond" turned to panic and fear... as my family world spun into chaos. This took place over many years really... and if kept on creeping up. The sad part is that it isolated us- brothers and sister form each other. We don't really have any shared memories- not at all like the memories our mum shared with me... I have a bench mark for normality...
...i tried to fix-it and patch things up so much... maybe two or more of the other kids took their adolescent grunge put on me... and my growing up was hard enough as it was...
...I am hopeful of reconciliation... and open to it. I am ready to respond and throw out the welcome mat...
out oldest cousin is a bestest ever friend and that is a saving grace. They lived in the city and their fate was far worse than ours...
...as I journal here... i realise that I have picked up my mum's narrative style that she gave me in love, so many years ago...
I have so much to offer, from her...
... a place to receive... yes... Alanon... a precious gift...
karma I never saw taking responsibility (overly so) being a perfection thing .. but wow in reading your reply I am at home in my mind imagining and remembering (briefly) absolutely I see the perfection .. .know this is why many never made choices; there was always that one Right and Wrong choice and no one wanted to make it .. (that is when we came together)
Hotrod thank you for the focus ... responding .. I still respond at times and yep it's Still a reaction .. just that I never really thought of it as one just when you think you got it down ..
my responses- "my respond" turned to panic and fear... as my family world spun into chaos. This took place over many years really... and it kept on creeping up. The sad part is that it isolated us- brothers and sister form each other. We don't really have any shared memories- not at all like the memories our mum shared with me...
David I have never thought of panic and fear as a first "respond" .. sorta like taking a minute to think before speaking because the First place my mind will go is to the disease (over thinking, or reacting) many times the first thing felt in me is fear .. maybe that's just the initial first respond and I Over think it .. also never realized it was taking place (growing) over many years .. even though I have thought before that everything grows .. very sad to share it isolated us- brothers and sisters from each other as well .. my siblings and I don't have near as many shared memories as the rest of the Entire family seems to have together .. I would think then it was only My panic and fear that isolated but nope .. was an entire family working together to help grow the family disease .. when I would bring up anything Real they didn't know how to cope with (their first respond was panic and fear) .. i'm very sad because I never was quite allowed to be part of their circle .. I replied recently about not being allowed to live in my parents world and therefore needing to create one of my own .. today i see I was not allowed to live in any of their worlds therefore created one of my own .. guess I see too after awhile .. they weren't allowed to live in mine .. I think they might have allowed it but the cost then would have been the rest of Me including that little speck of faith that was left by the time I hit the rooms of alanon .. thank you for the understanding ..
MeTwo2 I agree I believe that my panic and fear were a REACTION and that alanon suggesting tht I not react was a clue that I needed to quite my fear -- not act out of fear or painic, process the information a nd then respond
thank you all for the shares. It's so helpful, for me, as always, to know I am in the company of people who understand! I saw at least three of us came from big families and that certainly contributes to the feeling of responsibility. I am the youngest of six, so while I had a lot of responsibility early on (I was taking care of nieces and nephews by the time I was 9 or 10), I also had 5 extra 'parents' in my older siblings!!
thanks everybody! New England is getting socked again--I do trust that spring is forthcoming!!
. Al-Anon pointed out that this was not responding. This was reacting and very destructive to my physical, mental and spiritual health.
just when you think you got it down ..