The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband who is active keeps harrasing me about my 'progress' He knows that I go to 'meetings' to help me 'be a better person and to help me deal with some childhood dysfunction that I grew up in but thats all Ive told him. Now he keeps asking me 'so what have u learned' and 'what exactly are the things ur trying work on'bcuz he feels I am the cause of all our unhappiness in our 20 years of marriage. So now that we are trying to reconcile every week he keeps asking me about my progress...like he has no fault in this whatsoever. I finally had enough of the harrasing calls in the past 24 hours and I lost it. ....I shouldnt have engaged him, I know but it felt like I was being backed into a corner and I lashed out. I told him I dont owe hime a progress report on what I discuss in my meetings and that he will not be getting play by play updates on my journey (actually that was the clean version of what I actually said). I told him that this is my journey and when Im.ready to share with him my 'demons' I will but not bcuz u just want amnunition to place blame and not look into ur own mirror. I havent been very good about sticking to my boundaries latley so Im kind of pround that I stuck to my guns on this one. The nerve!!...
I went through the same journey as you in this regard. I would love to share my 'demons' with AH, but it needs to be when I feel safe doing so. Well done Hopeful, it feels good when we stick to our boundaries doesn't it?
Great progress sticking to your boundaries!
This is a process for us, too. One thing I am learning is that I cannot expect perfection from myself when I am learning a whole new way of being. Sometimes I wish I had handled something differently with my wife, but after years of NOT taking care of myself and NOT thinking that I had a right to have boundaries, I consider it a major victory to recognize when a boundary is being crossed and stand up for myself.
I have to kind-of laugh at myself sometimes, because if I were to take up playing the piano, I wouldn't expect myself to begin by playing a piece by Mozart perfectly. Al-anon is no different. Practice makes (as close to) Perfect (as I can become).
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Great work Hopeful. , You said what you meant and meant what you said soon you will learn to not say it mean .
Remember that what goes on at meetings and between you and your sponsor is private and none of his business.
You can share the new tools you are learning if you choose but that is enough. You are learning to live one Day at a time, focused on yourself and trusting your inner guidance the slogans: "keep it simple etc. What is he doing?
I'm struggling with this too. MY AD who is 51 days sober now is on me about getting a sponsor and working a program. He is projecting his own fears to me as he has not found one yet either.
He keeps saying "you can't work the steps if you don't have a sponsor"
I keep saying "keep the focus on yourself"
you did fine with setting a boundary... don't fret on how you did it. the finesse comes with time. I hope.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Hopeful he has no right to ask you. Everyones recovery is there own
Private journey. We are all individuals with seperate upbringings and
Problems. Your recovery progress is between you and your HP.
I dont envy you with an active A harrassing you. Do what you think
Is best. My dry ah and i just text, email or write in a notebook. When our
Relationship ended he was being pretty nasty to me. So face to face
Or phone calls Do not happen that often. My ah would have a nasty tone
In his voice. I dont need that addict behavior in my life. His problems
Are his not mine. He attends AA also but his behaviors got worse not
Better.
I guess I really shouldnt be surprised by his antics but it still gets to me that he can still get me that angry...its like I check out and 'Sybil' checks in ! I mean every week its something with him. Its like he's looking for something to fight about. He accused me of tax fraud last week bcuz we discovered that someone has used his SS# to illegally file taxes and naturally I was the first person he wanted to blame (here we go again) so I had to go off on him about the stupidity of his those insane accusations! But Im a firm believer that Karma is a real B****. He has a huge ego and is the type who thinks he is an Island on his own and that everyone else in his life just rides his coat tail...however he is learning now that everyones life CAN and STILL goes on with or without his precense or help. All his boasting about being the Head of the house and the.'real' breadwinner of the family is all coming back to bite him in the butt big time as he is now 'poor, broke and lonley'
This is why I took the kids and left bcuz I was tired of the fighting about the most rediculous things...but I will say this, Im learning just how far denial can take a person from reality.... Its so bad that he has actually convinced himself that I didnt leave him, that he left me! WTH!!! ...Even though Im the one who took the kids, dogs and everything from the house and moved , this fool has convinced himself that he's the one who left! Once he starts talking like that I just tune out and dismiss it as his disease talkin....its so bad that I actually feel sorry for him sometimes
Oh goodness! I can relate! My active AH is always, always dredging up the past and everything is ALWAYS my fault! It is that awful denial....they can't see that their disease has any fault in anything...its complete madness! Glad you stuck to your guns...keep it up :)
LOL...there are so many appropriate responses to that behavior that when I think of the ones I've heard I begin to laugh. One of the ones I offered my alcoholic/addict was "it isn't about you" and then I turned and walked away nicely. My wife has been in program for over 20 years and just one of the things she will not attempt to do out of respect for the program...hers and mine is take my inventory. She does get benefits and not direction. LOL. "You're not qualified" is another response. ((((hugs))))
My hubby has been in AA since 2000, and I have been in AlAnon as long. He has never asked about my program or my friends or even where or when I go to a meeting. I tried to be friendly about asking about his meetings and he let me know he was not going to talk about that either. I can't imagine sharing a "progress report" with him. It truly is none of his business. And with his history, I would not trust him not to use it against me when he was in a foul mood.
I am not interested in his program. I am only interested in how he treats me. That is where "the rubber meets the road" in my life.
My ah tried to quiz me on stuff at alanon. He did not
Like the response of journaling, meditating, praying.
My ah would use things against me so i have always
Been close about things he did not need to know that
Did not effect him only me from my past especially
About men.
Your journey is about you and your emotional health
Not his. He just wants to find out what you are
Saying about him at your meetings. My ah would
Say alanon was a bunch of alcoholic haters.
Mirandac, my hubby has the same attitude about alanon as urs which is what detered me from going the first time I tried it last year...but things got so bad for us later down on which resulted in us separating that now Ive come back to the program out of desparation. ..Im at the point now that I dont really dont care what he thinks about anything. He finally admitted a couple of days later that I was right, that what is goes on in my meetings IS none of his business and that he just wishes I would open up more to him so that we can make some headway at reconcilliation. (little does he realize, his emergency is NOT mine ! LOL) I admit I am not one to make a habit of spilling my guts about my feelings and what is going on in my head..In general thats just not a comfortable position for me to be in, but especially not with him out of fear.that he'll use it for ammo later ...but also because Im usually usually the one putting myself in the position of being the 'sympathetic ear' and absorbing everyone elses woes and never getting my own voice heard... but thats just one of my codependent issues that Im trying to combat.
By living apart from him Im slowly discovering myself thru setting boundaries which is hard for me..something that wouldnt have had a snowballs chance in hell if we still lived under the same roof. So this latest experience was like score one for me and my recovery!
My challenge now is learning how to "not say it mean"!...: )...in looking back at my life and how I was raised...using words to hurt is an 'cultivated skill/art form' in my family and I want so badly to unlearn that behavior.
Hopeful it does help getting out of the insanity of the disease To think
and decide what is best for yourself and family.
I did Not start my real healing till my ah moved out! I had been going to Alanon for Close to two years by then. My recovery and grieving have been
in Full swing ever since he left. Its been since Mid July.
I had a very hard time with detaching and boundaries with my dry Ah. When i started alanon my marriage was in Very bad shape. When He started AA he no longer understood the concept of respect, decency Or boundaries. Our marriage was dead and he was unwilling to work On us at all. The addict in him is alive and kicking and an unhappy Husband to boot!
-- Edited by Mirandac on Friday 6th of March 2015 01:12:24 PM
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