The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
90% of the very limited communication with my adult son lately has mostly been from me to him with an "I love you" text every other day or so, and that's about it - he's told me that any type of supportive message from me like "I have faith in you" annoys him, so I stopped with anything like that - sometimes, he replies, most often not - he rarely initiates any communication with me, unless it's a call or text to tell me about his latest tragedy - he's homeless, or the car is broke down, etc..
After a week or so of not hearing anything from him, I get to the point where my head starts spinning up disaster scenarios, in spite of me going to a lot of meetings, calling Al Anon friends, and lots of praying - when I get like that, it drives me absolutely crazy, I find myself backsliding and obsessing, and I'break down and send him a text asking if he's still alive, or something like that - not sarcastically, but I just gotta know.
Obviously, it's not a healthy thing for me to do - probably not good for him, either - I *think* what the program would tell me to do is to do nothing - because I have no reason to believe that anything bad has happened to him, and because it's his life not mine - is there anything I can do here besides backing off, and working my program harder at times like these?
Dear Texas Yankee, I can understand what you're going through and have experienced it myself. Before my son relapsed into alcoholism, he drover a racecar every Saturday and Sunday. I was continually filled with fear and anxiety over his choices but was powerless. At some point , I reached acceptance and found the reading in the Courage to Change that pointed out that when I trust in the universe, what I need to know I will know and the information will come to me without my making any efforts to obtain it.
I reflected on that for a while and found it to be true. I knew that if my son was in an accident. I would be the first to be notified. Since I had accepted that I was powerless over his choices and over him, the anxiety and fear lifted.
Fast forward a few more years when he relapsed, big time. The same acceptance was there. I knew I would be the first to be notified in case of any accident. I still had anxiety and pain. witnessing this disease destroy him ,but was comfortable enough when I did not hear from him.
I will include your son and your family in my prayers.
Thanks, Betty - by his choice, my son has very little, if any contact, with any of his family - I'm not sure if or how I'd be the first to know, or even the last to know, if something bad happened - him getting arrested, bad car accident, attempted suicide, etc. - I think what I really need to do is just let it go and work my program harder, but would it be OK for me to suggest to him that he put an "In case of emergency" card in his wallet and in his car?
I remember doing this alot, ruminating in a negative way. My son 23 at the time would not text me back when I tried to contact him. What I realize now is that in those texts I was saying to him "are you alright" "are you still alive" essentially I was saying "I am here I know you can't handle this by yourself, you're not smart enough, you don't have the coping skills, you're just a kid, Mama knows best, contact me so I can enable you a bit, cause you'll never make it without me!" Although sincere, it was also so I could feel better that I did my thing and if anything happened I knew I tried to help him. What I did later when I got wiser is show him that when he had a problem he could get back up and take care of it himself, therefore showing him that I believed in him, and I had confidence in him. For those words to come out of my mouth was not easy and I cried alot after. But I had to essentially say "your a big boy I know you can handle this, you'll think of a way, your smart and then end the conversation there. It worked when he knew I was'nt going to take care of him anymore and I was serious about this. I wasn't a push over anymore. I prayed a lot and worked my Alanon program and left it in my HP's hands. And today I do the same thing with every difficulty I encounter I surrender it. Its not easy to surrender it takes guts and mindfullness. Thinking of you, you are not alone....
I think some of it is really in working the program as you say. When you state "Thy will be done and not MY will be done" that means be in acceptance of whatever. You are not in control anyhow. Knowing things and checking on him only gives you a false sense that he is okay and you are looking out for him. If you really trust HP...Faith replaces Fear. Even if he was to have some accident or breakdown....How would knowing ahead of time help you prep for it? You are powerless. If you have faith in your HP, you can pray to be able to handle whatever comes down the pike.
Great real post and responses. I relate of course because I also have off spring...isn't that a great definition??? I wouldn't have them forever and they in time would spring off into their own travels and choices and lives. I have 4 "off spring" and one of them have relapses, the eldest, and he is almost 50 with 50 years of experience; under the influence stuff and the opposite....same as his Dad. The other off spring are doing "their thing" not "my thing" and from that I have come to understand that maybe the blood is somewhat the same the wills are different. Even they are not like each other what am I to do? I am not like them and they are not like me and I am also not like my wife and she isn't like me either. Can I allow differences without fear and worry...is there a power greater than my will and fear and worry. I hear the stories about my eldest son blowing up his family and everything else...drinking and using and I hear about his enablers and victims. I am not one of those as I hang with my Higher Power asking where it is that I am supposed to be and what I am suppose to do there.
A couple of weeks ago I noticed that I was behind my son in traffic. He noticed the same thing and he pulled over to the right and I went past. we both stopped at the same intersection at the same light and I looked over and acknowledged him while he attempted to do the same. I didn't ask for conversation or a phone call or anything else...I acknowledged that he was "there" within all his choices. I didn't even look to see if he was alone or with the supposed girlfriend. I just isn't my business and his will isn't how I live by. He is not my higher power...he is an "off spring" living his life as best he can with tools and choices he has and uses. I won't even answer the question, "Do you agree with it"?
My 24/7 meditation I have is "God is" and therefore I believe none of us can outdistance HP...none of the "off-spring" can and neither can I. My will is to be in contact with my HP and my HP's will without demanding that anyone else do it "my way". Alcoholism is not a "moral issue", I will not judge. It is a life threatening disease, I cannot control or cure it. Mother Teresa's suggestion and book of "Love anyway" works best for me. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all, for the ESH - a long history of bad experiences have tried to convince me, over and over, that I am powerless in this stuff, and I do pretty good remembering that most of the time - I absolutely knew that last night's adventure would go from bad to worse, but it was my own fault that I failed to detach from the situation and busy myself with something else.
The need for me to stay out of my HP's way was obvious to me, but, again, difficult for me to put into practice - I have always had a problem with faith, but two of the thoughts here have helped me a lot - "Faith replaces Fear." and "If you have faith in your HP, you can pray to be able to handle whatever comes down the pike."
I feel terrible about the messages I was sending to my son that implied that he couldn't handle his own stuff - he can, but not if I don't give him the opportunity.
My journey continues - I feel more confident about doing a lot better next time something like this gets in front of me - thank you very much, for being there when I needed help.
I've had the call from the hospital/police and I'm not sure how they got me but I'm guessing my son would tell them if need be or they found my number on his phone.
In case of emergency card in his wallet is a good thing I would think..
((( hugs )))
PS: I also got the message to PLEASE quit the texting. I'm sure he knew I loved him so to keep telling him was only for my comfort not his.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Yeah, I guess if they can send a man to the moon they can find me if my Son has some kind of incident - and thanks for the PS about the texting - of course you are correct - it's for my comfort, not his - my son knows I love him.
I feel a lot better, and a lot stronger - thanks again, everyone, for being there for me.
Great post and replys. I can relate so much to this. I try not to worry too, its very difficult. If i think about my son and whats the worst thing then i think well it might be his bottom or not. Either way its his learning, not mine. I loved what everyone has said here. Its one of those that i need to look back on from time to time.x
