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I first posted a few days ago and got some really helpful responses, so here goes. Today I am feeling really paranoid that my husband was drinking last night. After I went to bed, he came in to say good night and check on me and our baby. His eyes looked red and he seemed a little off. He could have just been tired but something in my gut felt suspicious. I woke up this morning feeling really angry at him and not sure if it was warranted or not. I feel so sad as I am writing this because if he didn't drink last night, then I feel bad for thinking the worst. I don't want to ask him because I'm afraid he'll just say that I'm being paranoid and negative. It makes me feel so upset think there is something between us. It's making me feel very lonely and a little crazy. It also makes me feel nervous to leave our kids alone with him. He's never gotten drunk when he's alone with them, but it's something I worry about.
Are there other couples out there who have been able to deal with alcoholism with out going to AA? I'm starting to feel like he's never going to agree to do a program.
Hi Alma, feeling paranoid, suspicious, angry, resentful, fearful, guilty, are just a small number of negative feelings that I can remember experiencing as I dealt with the disease of alcoholism before I found Al-Anon
Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease.. It can be arrested and never cured. We who live with the disease develop coping tools that are destructive to our mental and physical health.
Al-Anon tools have been designed to help us cope and recover, regardless of whether the alcoholic enters a recovery program or not. These tools, such as the serenity prayer, reading Al-Anon literature, meditating, attending meetings, reciting slogans, calling sponsors and making Al-Anon phone calls all helped me to keep the focus on myself, deal with my negative feelings, without engaging with the disease in my partner.
Face-to-face meetings are crucial and posting here is also very helpful. So please keep coming back
I could have written your post myself so many times. (Just replace "kids" with "dogs," and yes, I have been afraid to leave my wife along with the dogs. I have also been afraid to let the dogs be outside of their crates sometimes, even if I am home and present.)
For me, I spent years asking my wife if she had been drinking, and telling her that I didn't believe her if she said no, because of the way she was acting. Sometimes I was right. Sometimes I was wrong. Sometimes I believed her answer, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I accepted her answer because she was so indignant. Sometimes I let her drive during our afternoon commute to try to keep the peace, only to yell until she pulled over and let me drive instead because I was SO terrified of how she was driving. Sometimes she would pull over. Sometimes she would not. Sometimes she would admit to lying to me about the drinking the next day, when she woke up sober.
She has tried to control her drinking outside of AA, sometimes in therapy, sometimes in treatment, sometimes alone with Moderation Management books. None of it has worked for her. She claims that AA won't help her, and she is not willing to do it. She says it is like church for her, it feels artificial and it feels like she is faking it, just going through the motions. I am finally at the point of letting her make her own decisions and coming to Al-Anon for myself. For me, I know that I have become isolated. Living this way has ruined my self-worth and self-esteem, and at times has completely immobilized me. Regardless of what my wife decides to do or not do, I have decided that for me, I am going to Al-Anon, because my recovery for me has not worked outside of Al-Anon.
I hope you keep coming back. This has been so helpful to me, and I hope that it can be for you, too.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I do know a couple of people who have quit drinking without going to AA, so I can't say you have to go. But I know more people who have quite by going to AA and working the program. My wife is one example. once she threw herself completely in and surrendered herself, she has been sober for over a year, and shows no signs of relapse - of course, she will tell you that it's one day at a time with her as well.
I also have been bitten leaving my son with my wife. She has driven him around drunk before, and when she got her second DUI she was trying to pick him up from school. If you would ask her when she is sober "would you ever do that? Drive with your child drunk in the car?" She would be horrified to think that she would. She is like any other mom and loves her son dearly. But when drunk, she can't/won't acknowledge that she is even drunk.
I can also tell you that I am familiar with that feeling you get when you just know your SO has been drinking. I still get it sometimes. I get false triggers. And in fact, I don't know if they are false. At this point, whenever my "drunk-dar" goes off, I evaluate what could be happening, and usually I just stop my wife and say something like "I know you have been sober for quite a while now, and I don't know if you have or haven't been drinking, but it sure seems like it. I thought you would want to know." Then I drop it and let it go. She usually thinks hard after that, when it does happen she is generally a little manic and slightly off. It's her business whether she is drinking or not, until it affects our family or not. She has been sober enough that I am willing to give a lot of leeway there, and admit that my gut is just my gut, sometimes it is wrong.
Lastly, as you will hear us do here, the real question isn't as much what is he doing, but what are you doing? What are you doing to deal with this? What are you thinking long term about how you will handle this if it continues? What are the boundaries that you could put in place to protect yourself. As sad as it is, when I was in an actively alcoholic marriage, I was the only person looking out for me and my son. My wife wasn't capable, she was sick. It threw responsibility onto me that I didn't really want, but I had no choice, so I had to make decisions for her sometimes. And sometimes I had to make decisions that I knew were right because I was rational, and she was sick, and I would get pushback.
So, he's drinking, what are you going to do? Hopefully, keep coming back here and go to meetings, and keep an open mind and work the program!
