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Im pretty new to al anon. I went to my 3rd meeting tonight. I felt better when I left. When I came home, however, my fiance was drunk again. He got out of a 30-day inpatient rehab about 2 months ago and he has been drunk every day after the first week of getting out. Tonight he came to go bed and told me that I set him up and I'm playing a game. I don't know what he's talking about. I told him I would like him to sleep in another room when he is drunk because I don't want to be around him when he is drunk. We were getting along fine earlier in the day. I am so sick of this emotional roller coaster. I want to go wake him up and scream at him and figure out what he thinks I did this time. I can feel my heart sinking...I.dont know what to do. How do I detach from an everyday active unemployed alcoholic? Im so sick of this.
Shealah I have found that detachment is difficult to automatically achieve in the beginning of program, but essential to my mental health. I used many alanon slogans to help me to arrive at the place of detachment.
I remember the slogan to not 'JADE' Justify, Argue, Defend,Engage, with the alcoholic and quietly recited the serenity prayer at all times over and over ,in my head.
I remind myself that alcoholism is a disease and that it is crucial to keep the focus on myself, stay inside my own skin and body and not engage emotionally or verbally with the disease.
It is not easy to do this so I recite a slogan such as::" let go and let god", "how important is it"? or the serenity prayer over and over in my head to help me stay quiet. . If I wanted peace, I could walk into another room, sleep in another room, but I could not expect a alcoholic to comply with my wishes.
It takes practice. Remember it is progress not perfection.
Well...you did do some detaching by going into the other room and by avoiding a screaming argument with a nonsensical drunk person. That's a great start. One other part of detachment involves getting your needs met elsewhere. Stay busy with lots of friends, family, hobbies. Don't look to him to provide all the meaning and happiness in your life. That comes from you. Of course there is the possibility that you will detach so much that you won't have any reason to stay together. Other people are able to detach and enjoy the A for the sober moments and their good qualities as long as they are not pushing boundaries. The unemployed part? Well that's a challenge. How to detach from that? He's responsible for his own debt...Try not to enable if possible. I can't say what the answer is there. There is always the option of living separately for a while so he can learn/relearn to take care of himself, his finances, pay bills and act like a grown up. I would be hesitant to marry someone that was not showing those abilities.
Hi I'm new too so don't take my word as anything but another newbie struggling with what i think is the hardest thing...detachment.
When my AH would drink I would either go to another room or if he was violent i left the house. I didn't argue with him I just got up and left.
My new favorite saying is an old polish proverb NOT MY CIRCUS NOT MY MONKEYS. Basically the same thing as everything else... we have no control over them only ourselves.
My AH (he's really my DH but here he's an AH which to me means something totally different but he's that too) has been sober for 48 days. I still am learning to just walk away. IF anything, detachment is harder when you choose to stay with an A than walking away. I really think that those of us who choose to stay with our motivator by choice and work it out are braver and stronger in many ways than those that have the strength or need to leave. I am not ready to leave my AH. I may never be. And that's ok... but I do not have to deal with his drinking.
ONE of my boundaries is that he has to be dry. He cannot be drinking AT ALL. He was told this when he asked me to bail him out of jail. It's not a ultimatum it's a boundary for my safety. IF you are not in danger from your partner when he drinks then your boundaries are going to be different.
Sleeping in another room is fine. You don't even have to say anything other than "I'm sleeping in the other room I'll talk to you when you are sober" (i don't know if saying that is ok but that's what I would say)
Detaching to me means that you do go in the other room and you ignore him.
then the next morning when he's hung over or sober or whatever you are
not allowed to bring it up
you are not allowed to expect or demand an apology
expected to be Mary Sunshine and supportive when they are doing what you want.
Detachment makes me angry and it's VERY hard to learn
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
I do hope I did not leave the impression that we must live in denial and pretense when we detach. I would like to clarify the point that detachment does not require that I make myself invisible or that I become Mary Poppins and smile, when I'm angry or that I pretend that I'm happy and deny reality. It simply asks that I not engage in the insanity of the disease, and that is all.
The next morning is another day and I'm perfectly free to validate myself, my needs, my actions without looking for an apology from the alcoholic, or any change in their behavior. Remembering that alcoholism is a disease, that we are dealing with helps me at all times to use these positive tools to maintain my sanity. Anger, and resentment destroys my soul .
I do hope I did not leave the impression that we must live in denial and pretense when we detach. I would like to clarify the point that detachment does not require that I make myself invisible or that I become Mary Poppins and smile, when I'm angry or that I pretend that I'm happy and deny reality. It simply asks that I not engage in the insanity of the disease, and that is all.
The next morning is another day and I'm perfectly free to validate myself, my needs, my actions without looking for an apology from the alcoholic, or any change in their behavior. Remembering that alcoholism is a disease, that we are dealing with helps me at all times to use these positive tools to maintain my sanity. Anger, and resentment destroys my soul .
And this is where *I* get confused.
if you leave the room or the home then you are invisible to the A. are you not?
and if you are not supposed to confront them about your anger because you are detached and walk away, then what do you do with your anger?
if you are angry what do you do?
you can't confront the addict
you can't get anything from them...
and who are you validating to? who do you need validation from?
I'm not trying to be argumentative and I hope I'm not hijacking a thread but Detachment seems to me to be the hardest thing we learn.
it's easy to walk away. poof you walk away you divorce the spouse.. you no longer deal with them as long as you are not ruminating over it you are detached.
see to me detachment means my A gets a free pass to be a jerk and not have to apologize. seems like a win-win for him.
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
I do hope I did not leave the impression that we must live in denial and pretense when we detach. I would like to clarify the point that detachment does not require that I make myself invisible or that I become Mary Poppins and smile, when I'm angry or that I pretend that I'm happy and deny reality. It simply asks that I not engage in the insanity of the disease, and that is all.
The next morning is another day and I'm perfectly free to validate myself, my needs, my actions without looking for an apology from the alcoholic, or any change in their behavior. Remembering that alcoholism is a disease, that we are dealing with helps me at all times to use these positive tools to maintain my sanity. Anger, and resentment destroys my soul .
And this is where *I* get confused.
if you leave the room or the home then you are invisible to the A. are you not?
ANSWER
i HAD TO REMEMBER THAT ALL THE THE TOOLS OF ALANON ARE OFFERED TO HELP MEMBERS TO MAINTAIN THEIR SANITY AND NOT TO CHANGE THE ALCOHOLIC OR THEIR BEHAVIOR.
IF i DO LEAVE AND MAKE MYSELF INVISIBLE TO THE DISEASE, I AM TAKING CARE OF MY NEEDS (BY NOT BEING A VICTIM, OR REACTING TO INSANITY) AND DO NOT EXPECT A SICK PERSON TO CHANGE OR TAKE CARE OF ME.
and if you are not supposed to confront them about your anger because you are detached and walk away, then what do you do with your anger?
GO TO A MEETING , CALL A SPONSOR, CALL AN ALANON PERSON , RECITE THE SERENITY PRAYER. THE MAIN PURPOSE IS TO GET TO SERENITY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE AS ANGER AND RESENTMENT ARE DESTRUCTIVE TO OUR WELL BEING
if you are angry what do you do?
EXERCISE, WALK, PRAY AND THE SAME AS ABOVE.
you can't confront the addict
you can't get anything from them...
and who are you validating to? who do you need validation from?
I AM VALIDATING MYSELF AND MY NEED TO MYSELF-- I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS-- i DO NOT NEED VALIDATION FROM ANYONE ELSE
I'm not trying to be argumentative and I hope I'm not hijacking a thread but Detachment seems to me to be the hardest thing we learn.
it's easy to walk away. poof you walk away you divorce the spouse.. you no longer deal with them as long as you are not ruminating over it you are detached.
THE CATCH IS THAT WALKING AWAY IS NOT EASY. MANY STILL CARRY THE EFFECTS OF LIVING WITH THIS DISEASE FOR MANY YEARS AND IT INFECTS ALL THEIR RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FUTURE . THAT IS WHY RECOVERY PROGRAMS ARE SO IMPORTANT.
see to me detachment means my A gets a free pass to be a jerk and not have to apologize. seems like a win-win for him.
THERE IS NO WIN WIN FOR A PERSON WITH THIS DREADFUL DISEASE-- SINCE IT IS A PROGRESSIVE FATAL DISEASE HE IS NOT GETTING A FREE PASS. BEING A JERK IS PAINFUL, DIFFICULT, DESTRUCTIVE AND FATAL. MANY KNOW HOW TO SAY" i AM SORRY "WITH NO INTENTION OF CHANGING OR ANY EVEN FEELING IT. CHANGED BEHAVOR TAKES TIME AND EFFORT. I FOUND THAT OUT IN ALANON AS I ATTEMPTED TO CHANGE
I do hope I did not leave the impression that we must live in denial and pretense when we detach. I would like to clarify the point that detachment does not require that I make myself invisible or that I become Mary Poppins and smile, when I'm angry or that I pretend that I'm happy and deny reality. It simply asks that I not engage in the insanity of the disease, and that is all.
The next morning is another day and I'm perfectly free to validate myself, my needs, my actions without looking for an apology from the alcoholic, or any change in their behavior. Remembering that alcoholism is a disease, that we are dealing with helps me at all times to use these positive tools to maintain my sanity. Anger, and resentment destroys my soul .
And this is where *I* get confused.
if you leave the room or the home then you are invisible to the A. are you not?
ANSWER
i HAD TO REMEMBER THAT ALL THE THE TOOLS OF ALANON ARE OFFERED TO HELP MEMBERS TO MAINTAIN THEIR SANITY AND NOT TO CHANGE THE ALCOHOLIC OR THEIR BEHAVIOR.
IF i DO LEAVE AND MAKE MYSELF INVISIBLE TO THE DISEASE, I AM TAKING CARE OF MY NEEDS (BY NOT BEING A VICTIM, OR REACTING TO INSANITY) AND DO NOT EXPECT A SICK PERSON TO CHANGE OR TAKE CARE OF ME.
and if you are not supposed to confront them about your anger because you are detached and walk away, then what do you do with your anger?
GO TO A MEETING , CALL A SPONSOR, CALL AN ALANON PERSON , RECITE THE SERENITY PRAYER. THE MAIN PURPOSE IS TO GET TO SERENITY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE AS ANGER AND RESENTMENT ARE DESTRUCTIVE TO OUR WELL BEING
if you are angry what do you do?
EXERCISE, WALK, PRAY AND THE SAME AS ABOVE.
you can't confront the addict
you can't get anything from them...
and who are you validating to? who do you need validation from?
I AM VALIDATING MYSELF AND MY NEED TO MYSELF-- I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS-- i DO NOT NEED VALIDATION FROM ANYONE ELSE
I'm not trying to be argumentative and I hope I'm not hijacking a thread but Detachment seems to me to be the hardest thing we learn.
it's easy to walk away. poof you walk away you divorce the spouse.. you no longer deal with them as long as you are not ruminating over it you are detached.
THE CATCH IS THAT WALKING AWAY IS NOT EASY. MANY STILL CARRY THE EFFECTS OF LIVING WITH THIS DISEASE FOR MANY YEARS AND IT INFECTS ALL THEIR RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FUTURE . THAT IS WHY RECOVERY PROGRAMS ARE SO IMPORTANT.
see to me detachment means my A gets a free pass to be a jerk and not have to apologize. seems like a win-win for him.
THERE IS NO WIN WIN FOR A PERSON WITH THIS DREADFUL DISEASE-- SINCE IT IS A PROGRESSIVE FATAL DISEASE HE IS NOT GETTING A FREE PASS. BEING A JERK IS PAINFUL, DIFFICULT, DESTRUCTIVE AND FATAL. MANY KNOW HOW TO SAY" i AM SORRY "WITH NO INTENTION OF CHANGING OR ANY EVEN FEELING IT. CHANGED BEHAVOR TAKES TIME AND EFFORT. I FOUND THAT OUT IN ALANON AS I ATTEMPTED TO CHANGE
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Ladybug we are all in this together to get better in
Spite of the alcoholic. It s very tricky to detach,
You need to be emotionally healthy enough yourself
To really do well. It is learned behavior on our parts.
I for one was not emotionally healthy enough plus my ah
was dry For years. He blamed me for his own troubles then self
Doubts sink in and you think you are the crazy one.
When in reality it is the disease that is the crazy one
Not you! But the disease makes us as crazy because
of dealing With the disease then our own coping skills
are sadly lacking. It wears you down even when you
started out strong. We lose ourselves in their disease.
That is what alanon is all about healing us from within.
Learning self love,self care and self acceptance. With
Your HP holding your hand. It is a long hard road to
Our own recovery.
I'm not new to Al Anon, but I consider myself a less-than-shining example of how to detach from my addict son - while there are differences in the day-to-day challenges, in general, detaching from an adult child or detaching from a significant other or spouse involves essentially the same need for discipline and strength - for me, detachment is by far the hardest challenge I have ever faced - but there is hope - in my case, I was blessed one day with the realization that not one thing that I had done to try and "help" my son (it was enabling, really), had done anything at all to change his circumstances ! That realization gave me the strength and courage to FINALLY detach - in my case, it was mainly financial assistance to my son, but there was also the "suggestions" and "guidance" and whatever other words I could come up with to justify what I did - even thought, all along, I know I was doing the wrong thing - I just wasn't strong enough to detach - until I had that moment of clarity.
An Al Anon friend suggested that "Helping is the sunny side of control" - LOL, that observation helped, too.
For me, it was and still is VERY tough - I go to A LOT of meetings - I generally talk with folks from the meeting after the meetings - I use my phone lists to call Al Anon friends in between meetings - I try to stay busy with whatever might take my mind off my son and his disease - laundry, yard work, bike riding, walking, prayer, prayer, and more prayer, all focused on Step 11 - the wisdom there helps me remember that I can't control (nor should I try to control) ANYTHING or ANYONE besides me.
I exercise a lot - that works well for me - there's one gal at the meetings I go to that's always knitting during the meetings - that apparently works for her - I think ANYTHING that takes your mind off of the alcoholic \ addict is a good thing.
For me, I am finding that the combination of the different things I have been doing seem to be helping - I have been aware that I'm not thinking of my son all the time - I'm not obsessing about him and his situation all the time like I used to - I have relapses, sure, but they are getting to be further apart, and far less severe for me. I know that I still love my son just as much - I'm just able to achieve some degree of sanity, detach, and not do what the Program has shown me that I shouldn't be doing.
It's a continuing battle for me - but I am making progress following the Program's guidance - progress not perfection.
-- Edited by texas yankee on Tuesday 24th of February 2015 12:17:42 PM
Not to confuse because there has been some very very good responses already and then detaching for me came in three separate types. At first I detached with anger which carried substance and held me from her at arms length and more. Anger at times can become a tool for self preservation which is for good in regard to this disease. Anger kept me often from reacting to the blame and shame game that the disease does to its victims. "You set me up" is blame and shame and doesn't take his own responsibility for his condition. The alcoholic needs to do that (invalid) because being drunk and under the influence and taking responsibility is an impossibility. That is feeling really BAD and so the disease and the alcoholic attacks and tries to lay pain off on others. Secondly I became indifferent...I didn't care about her and her "disease" and that protected my mind and spirit...it was a form of detachment and it helped me leave all responsibility for the drunks and highs off on her and every other sick behavior that came to the surface also. This one hurt some because I also became indifferent (uncaring) of what was happening to me and I needed to care for that part...this is where the program of Al-Anon came in; the helping, supporting and mentoring me to self focus and not remain solely a victim and irresponsible for my own health...mind, body, spirit and emotions. Thirdly I arrived at detachment with love....I came to love myself and to accept my alcoholic/addict for exactly who she was. I also came to accept unconditionally everyone else in my life and the playing field became level or loving.
Detachment is art work...rocket science...recovery skill. I detached and got well.
As Hot Rod says...Keep on keeping on cause this program works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
