The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, my name is kris. I was raised in an alcoholic, abusive home and my mother remains with the abuser to this day(my step-father).i told myself that I would never put my kids through the abuse I went through as a child, I met my boyfriend 9yrs ago, he drank beer. He wasn't physically abusive and it took me a long time to realize that he was in fact an alcoholic. By the time I did I was in love with him, part of me felt I could change him, part of me felt because he didn't drink hard alcohol or he didn't hit me that this was ok. A few years into our relationship I realized he was an alcoholic. He'd go through periods where he would stop drinking just to start back again. By then I was pregnant with our first child together(he also had 2previous kids & I had 1)& was determined to make it work. Fast forward through years of up & down binge drinking, disappearing, fighting, break ups & make ups, broken promises & our 5th child. About a year and a half ago I put him out of the house for what I thought was for good. I couldn't take anymore of the emotional & mental battery that comes with the drinking. He had been on a month long binge, drinking daily, stopped going to work & was practically living with an alcoholic friend in a trail or with no electric or water in the middle of a LA summer. Hes emotionally abusive when he drinks & yells relentlessly, cusses & calls me names, our younger children were starting to show signs of emotionally shutting down whenever he was home because it was constant stress. When he wasn't home he would be gobe days at a time. My health started going bad, I was forced to quit a job I had worked 11yrs, had 4 major surgeries within a yr & developed heart problems. With no one working we lost our home, both our cars, credit cards went into default & we were engulfed with debt. I was in/out of the hospital, he was drinking & disappearing-the younger kids care fell to my oldest daughter who was 16/17. Finally his mother came from NY & witnessing the situation just flat put said u have a choice to make it's this hell or ur piece of mind and my grandchildren are living in hell, what are u going to do about it. His stuff was removed the day before his mother went back to NY. That was a scene in itself, the police had to be called, in front of the kids cause he was ranting & raving so bad. The neighborhood was outside-after this incident his mother even refused to speak to him for almost a year. Anyway, we stayed separated a little over a year and in this time he became sober. He moved back in 3mo ago. My only stipulation was he never touch a beer again. Things have been great, perfect relationship, perfect father. I was wary at first but began trusting again. this weekend he got upset cause his 2 oldest kids were in our city(they live in another state) for the weekend. He wanted to see them but it never happened. His ex-wife had 10yrs of him drinking before I did & the kids, now 19 & 14 have had that many years of broken promises so they put him last on their list of priorities when they are here. Anyway, yesterday evening he tells me hes going to a friends-this friend dont drink but even if he did, he'd been around friends drinking and was ok so I didn't worry. As the night wore on that familiar feeling crept in. I called about 5hrs later and he answered and I could hear in his voice he was drinking. I told him of course he could not come back till he was sober and he didn't but today I have a new delimma-he claims he hasn't drank today but my one stipulation in him living here was he not drink again so I've told him come get his stuff and find another place to go. of course he says I'm being irrational, he made a mistake, I'm not a prison warden etc but a part of me feels like if I do allow him back it's just setting it up to be like all the other times. He says it's different now because "he thinks different And he realizes now that he's drank that this is a lifestyle he don't want again. My problem is I've heard this all before. I don't know what to do, there are no support groups here that I know about, my family had pretty much abandoned me because they are tired of all the mess, I don't talk to anyone in my family other than 1sister and im not allowed to even mention his name. My friends tell me they don't want to hear anything concerning him. His mom is my only ally but it's still his mom so I can't just bring her all my problems. She recently joined alanon and says it has helped her tremendously. Thank you for reading my intro. Any advice, insight or help would be appreciated
Welcome to MIP Al-Anon is a lifeline for many, and I am glad that your mother-in-law has found the support that she needs in the program. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is listed in the white pages.
Thank you for sharing your life and your concerns. I can so identify with many of your feelings and actions.
Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. In Al-Anon I learned I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Accepting that fact, I needed to learn how to respond to the insanity without losing myself and my principles. Al-Anon offered me tools that helped me to do just that.
It is a process and there is no magic cure. Attending meetings, doing daily Al-Anon readings, using a few of the slogans such as, living one day at a time, focused on myself, all helped to restore my peace of mind. Getting a sponsor and working the steps will also provide additional insight and amazing tools to live by.
Al-Anon also has Alateen meetings for teenagers and I would suggest you check out both Al-Anon and Alateen for your family.Keep coming back here as well. There is hope and help
I am glad that Betty responded. It is true, addiction is a disease that progresses for for most it is fatal. I encourage you to attend meetings and attend them here if you have to for a bit. I know one thing for sure. I needed the help of the folks here and my f2f meetings. I learned early on when my AH was going to treatment not to make major decisions and if I had made a choice I needed to stick by it. I have heard the all to familiar whinings of you aren't a warden, your not my mother and I learned that those whining's were nothing more than manipulation to get what he wanted or needed.
We cannot control, change or cure them, we can however change ourselves and find peace and serenity.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Welcome, Cafeaulait.
I am new, too. And also live in a rural area. The only meeting we have each week is the only night I have to work at my second job, so I come to the message boards here right now, while I am figuring out my schedule. They have really helped me. I hope that they will help you, too.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
