The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been married 5 years and but living with my AH for about 10 years.
I always knew he was a big drinker and for a long time I was too, we own a bar and it's easy enough to find yourself drinking more than you should.
I all but cut out my own drinking and have been actively seeking out alternative employment as I feel like it's been long enough in that kind of industry but now I can plainly see that my husband's drinking crossed the line of what can be considered reasonable, even for a bar owner in a tourist destination, a long time ago and he actually seems to be declining rapidly....drinking daytime, even while sitting in bed sometimes.
His mother died of a sudden illness a year ago so this may have contributed to the rapid deterioration but he was already a problem drinker...he just managed to keep it together a little more.. we are also struggling financially so he has plenty of 'excuses" I guess...
I have a hard time disengaging when he comes home drunk and is nasty or just annoying and we end up fighting every single day..my parents visited (not staying with us) for a couple of days and I spent time with them but made excuses for him as I didn't want him there, I wanted to enjoy my time with them and not fake a smile...I did tell my Mother that we've been arguing a lot and she gave me all sorts of advice about how it takes too, but she doesn't know the full story and I'm not ready to tell her and have her hate him yet...but that's the same with all my friends, I can't tell anyone and then I feel so lonely.
He has cheated on me and I caught him out as recently as last week and have made the decision that my marriage is over, I don't want to live like this for the next 50 years of my life...but I can't leave because I have no money and no income and no real back-up in this foreign country. I can't pack up and leave and return to my country of origin as it would mean abandoning my beloved dog and cat and that's not an option for me (at least there aren't any human children involved)....so I need to get a job first and plan this and sort myself out...I will try to find the courage to go to a local Al-Anon FTF meeting this week, they are once a week on Saturdays, I'm just really shy and scared and intimidated....I'm sure you can all relate, right?
You have come to the right place here... I am answering because North America is tucked up in bed at the moment, hopefully having pleasant dreams. There is a tipping point when the drinking becomes an illness... and it does affect every part of out lives... once the illness kicks in it is progressive,,,
...the gals and pals here have all been there... and so have I, of course... this is a heads up- you are not alone!
Thanks for answering. I know I might get more replies over the next 24 hours when people are up but it's very kind of you to take the time now :)
You're right about the tipping point.. I could see for myself it was time for a change of lifestyle so as to never end up anywhere near it, I've seen so many people in our line of work end up in dangerous waters if not totally drowning...but I have to accept that my husband just doesn't see it or is in denial and has hit that downward spiral and I am powerless...
It's very nice to hear that I'm not alone and reading this board I'm starting to believe it.
Good morning from Italy Hopeful, it is great that you have found us.
When I went to my first face to face meeting I was nervous and all sorts, but it was such a good thing to do on so many different levels. It was my first step in taking care of myself.
My husband also had an affair and he used to argue with me every morning at 10.15am - his alarm call for the next drink I think. Neither of these two things are acceptable and I spent a long time trying to think 'if I can just change this or that' before I finally twigged that regardless of the drinking, the behaviour was not acceptable to me. Full stop. I tried reasoning with him but that was not possible, his judgement was just so different from mine. I did not tell my friends and family the details of what was going on but I did tell them that my husband was unwell, had a problem with alcohol, and that I might need their help one day. They were wonderfully supportive and they helped me to learn to enjoy my life again. You have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hide.
There are ways of moving on and I am sure that you will find your way through it step by step.
And welcome. You have come to the right place and it's great that you are making a plan to get to f2f meetings. I was remembering my first meetings the other day; it was difficult at first but I also recognized that I was crossing over from a place of anxiety and despair to a place of hope and moving forward. In your post you wrote that you knew you did not want to continue to live this way. That's how I felt as well and that is the turning point for recovery for yourself. The meetings, reading and support are invaluable.
Welcome Hopeful. This is a good time to make alanon your new support and to grow strong while you get your ducks in a row. Look forward to hearing more from you! You can attend online meetings here when there are not face to face ones in your community. I hope you reach out and find a sponsor quick when you go...Sponsors are a blessing.
Dear Hopeful, I am so glad that you found the courage to reach out and share your inner most concerns. You can be really HOPEFUL that you can find help and even happiness because you have taken this first step to seek support from an untenable situation.
I can so identify where you are at this moment. When I first accepted the fact that my husband was an alcoholic, I too was a stay-at-home mom with no job, nor means of support. My inner voice kept prodding me to take appropriate action so as to build a better life for myself and son. Fear kept me inmobilized and I stayed becoming more fearful and isolated. Finally one day I have had enough, he too had cheated, and this time I knew I had to leave. It didn't matter if I had the job nor my life I figured out. I followed the suggestion of my inner voice:" Did the thing I feared the most", and my life fell into place..
I secured a job, stayed at my sister with my child, hamster, guinea pig, and cat. After a short time he entered rehab, I found Al-Anon, and life became more manageable because I had found a supportive place to grow, change, and redefine myself.
I'm sure you know that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Living with the disease affects us in a very negative fashion and we become fearful and lose ourselves in the process.
Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members as you are not alone. I understand that you have difficulty attending face-to-face meetings, so I am providing the online schedule of meetings that we hold here. Please keep coming back you are not alone.
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps. After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.
I can understand your fears about leaving and your love for your pets. One of the great things about the Alanon program is that our program suggests that we not "should" on anyone. What was or is the right thing for me, may not be right for you. It felt a little scary for me to go to my first meeting but I'm so glad I made that choice. I can't say enough about the in person support I received from people who'd never met me but truly understood what it was like to live with an alcoholic. It helped for me to listen to them share and when I was ready, it helped to share about it too. It was a very good decision for me personally to find meetings and I've kept coming back ever since.
When the time was right, I found an Alanon sponsor at one of my meeting places and began to work the steps. Working the steps with the help of my sponsor and the presence of the god of my understanding, helped me to see my way clear to make rational changes that honored myself. My life had been about living in reaction to what others were doing and with little thought of how rash decisions I made were going to affect me in the long run. Alanon showed me that ultimately this was giving my power away to other human beings. Some of these rash emotional decisions I made, didn't turn out well because I had just led with a very narrow view of what was right and wrong with little thought of what I would need to do next after I'd made them. We have a little saying in the Alanon program, "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" Most of us laugh and say both! For me that saying means, I don't have to give my personal power away to unacceptable people, places and things in my life but I can also respond with planned action in leiu of reacting to others. This for me means working the Alanon program one day at a time with an aim toward a more healthful life.
Alanon Just for Today bookmark:
Just for Today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
I wish you serenity and the gifts of this program. Keep coming back! TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 23rd of February 2015 09:58:31 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi hopeful, when you attend ftf mertings you are not required to say
Anything. You can just pass, i just went and listened, learned and
Absorbed for close to two years. After my dry ah left me my dam
broke Open and i havent stopped talking since.
Most people end up at Alanon mtgs when they are rock bottom.
Newbies Generally just listen and cry and hopefully keep coming
back. I went for awhile then stopped then went back again in
Earnest. Today i could stand a meetings a day if i had the time
And there was that many. It is a tough long journey to our
Emotional and spiritual health.
Hi hopefull, to answer your question..... yes, we can all relate, aren't you glad?! what a blessing for me to learn I NEVER had to deal with alcoholism by myself again. I was so grateful to hear that others were also dealing and coping with the lies.. the cheating... the excuses.... the selfishness... the turning tables to make me look like the crazy one (manipulation).... saying one thing but doing another...... the superiority and grandiosity... the emotional abuse, etc. etc. at one point, I nearly gave up... on myself. By divine grace, I found al-anon.
I love what you said, you will "try to find the courage" because a little willingness is all it takes, my friend, and I am rooting for you! I echo what mirandac wrote, you are not required to say anything at the meetings, just tell em you'd like to listen, I did that too for a long time too. I cried a lot too.
Take care of yourself and let us know how it goes.
As someone that just went to his first meeting not long ago, I can tell you how much better you'll feel afterwards. I went into the meeting just wanting to have some information. There was a circle of chairs when I walked in and I sat in the middle part of the circle. When the sharing got to starting, I was inspired by the people that shared. So much so, I shared. I think you'll be surprised to find there are people there with whom you will relate to with your situation. I know I was.
Another thing, after the meeting, don't just get up and go right away. Stick around and gather some literature if you aren't given a welcome packet. For me, that's when the real magic happened. I had quite a few people come up to me, share things with me, and I could just tell they were genuinely there to listen and talk to me. It really conquered the loneliness feeling I had been dealing with!
Thank you to everyone for the words of encouragement.
You're all so incredibly kind.
I can feel that you have been or are in the same place as me and it does really help...I know I need to do this..
Ironically we seem to be having a good day, as in hubby is not drunk and we haven't really fought but I know that it's a matter of time...this is probably just typical, sod's law maybe, my resolve is strengthened and then he doesn't get drunk for the first night in a long time so I start to wonder if I'm making it all up (I know I'm not)
So, I will continue reading your stories on this board and I will join an online meeting and work towards making the FTF meeting, this Saturday hopefully...
It's so reassuring to hear that others were nervous about their first meeting too...I guess I'm afraid of seeing someone I know there and having them know, or that it will be a small group of people who all know each other and I'll be an outsider... I've also always been one of those people that people think are confident but are actually really quite shy, I guess a lot of people give that illusion. I suppose it's hard knowing that by simply walking into that meeting I'm saying out loud that everything is not ok, that's very new for me and it feels like once I do that there's no going back.
Again, thanks everyone for sharing with me and for your support.
Hopeful one of the biggest reasons to attend alanon face
To face mtgs is to break the isolation caused by the disease.
We dont talk honestly to others about our lives and feelings
And thoughts. FTF is a safe environent to talk about yourself.
You have no need to worry if you know someone it is confidential.
Just go and absorb the wisdom buy the three daily readers
They are 12-14 dollars each. Keep showing up for you!
It all takes awhile to get the concept it is a me program
Its not about the alcoholic its about you and your healing
From the effects of alcoholism.
Welcome! You are in the very right place at the very right time you need to be. We are glad you here. I can tell you the kind folks on this board have helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life by sharing their E/S/H. Keep coming back.
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
' I suppose it's hard knowing that by simply walking into that meeting I'm saying out loud that everything is not ok,'
I was not conscious of this thought when I first went to Alanon, but I was aware of the feeling of a great load lifting when I walked in there. Admitting that we are not ok with what is going on is a fantastic step to take. We are starting to look after ourselves with that thought.
