The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. I have been struggling with my dry drunk who is about 90 days sober. My ah and I have been seeing a therapist and she said his behavior is normal and it will get better with time. First, Everytime a blow up happens I shut down. I am worried and anxious a lot because I never know when the nice guy or the jerk will appear. Right now super nice making dinner, cleaning.. Doing anything to help. But what if... His cycle is about 10 days after blow up. He starts getting grumpy... Is negative pretty much all the time..even when he tries to not be. The therapist said it is good that we don't hold resentment against each other but not sure that is true... I worry about my daughter and how his ups and downs affect her. I worry about after a blow up I am emotionally exhausted and it takes me a good week to recover so in a month I get a week of peace and slowly my energy is less and less. I guest I'm confused and depressed about all this. He is really trying and now the fighting is shorter and he acknowledges what is going on. I don't think I'm strong enough to end it and not sure I want too. My family hates him and prays That I end it. Do dry drunks really change if they are doing what there suppose too? Venting alittle sorry. How long do I wait and give to this disease? Is there really hope?
Hi Helpangel Your therapist is correct!!!. His behavior as well as your reactions are normal, for people affected by the disease of alcoholism His will change gradually as he is getting help and if you attend alanon face to face meetings you will also find the powerful tools that will help you.
Living with this disease we develop survival tools that we think work and that just hurt us, and makes the situation impossible to live with AL anon gave me tools that helped me to validate my needs, focus on myself, take actions for my own best interest and to act and not react to situations
I urge you to increase your attendance and keep coming back here as you are not alone.
If he is getting real help and working real recovery, he may change for the better......or he may not. You didn't mention what he is doing to stay sober. I found that joint counseling sessions were futile with my AH because even when he was dry, he was still active in his disease as a dry drunk. He was never really working recovery for himself. I recently just moved out and am filing for divorce because of what it was doing to our son to live with those ups and downs you speak of. The unpredictability, the inconsistencies, etc were taking a toll on him as a teenager. I probably should have left years ago, but I chose to stay clinging to hope that maybe someday he'll get better and find real recovery.
As for how long you wait: only you can determine the answer to that. Al Anon and getting counseling for yourself may help you figure out if you want to continue living like this or if you want to make other choices. Hugs to you, keep coming back!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Every day on this board I see a post and think "this is me!". Thank you everyone for sharing your stories, they really do help us all <3 And hugs to you Helpangel, keep sharing, it does help!
Helpangel dig into your own recovery with alanon for you.
Ignore your ah, loving detachment they call it. Focus on
You and your child. He is a big boy. Set realistic boundaries
With him. Hopefully he is attending aa in earnest not doing
It his way.
Help, the responses you have received are the ones I received when I first found the rooms of Al-Anon. Yes it was difficult because change is difficult and not relying on my own reactions and responses which didn't work meant getting rid of unworkable habits and learning new ones that were created by others who came before me. Getting a home group in Al-Anon and phone numbers of the fellowship there created a trusting family for me and the biggie was finding a sponsor who would support me lead me and mentor the changes I needed to have. I had counselors and one of them hated the program because it had most affect on me. We were able to laugh about it later on as I was able to give him some of what I learned in recovery which he seemed to need. LOL Breaking focus off of my Alcoholic/addict wife became 24/7 practice until "I got it" from learning more and practicing more. I learned that each time I mentioned "she" or "her" in a complaint about where I was at mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically I was getting the focus off of me and what I could be doing to heal. When I got the focus off of her she got upset because the "fix was off" and she complained only once, "But you always did it that way". She received the dignity to make her own recovery choices and to earn the consequences (some of them awesome) of those choices. My Higher Power used my alcoholic/addict as a metaphor within my own recovery for humility...being teachable... and while she and I are no longer married I still have that metaphor on a daily basis and the program.
The therapists that I trusted the most where those who had the same experiences I had in the disease and were willing to tell their ESH openly...which isn't recommended in that field of profession. They hold their secrets...most of them. Keep coming back and reaching out and practicing, practicing, practicing. (((((hugs)))))
One of the great gifts that Al Anon has given to me (or I should say I have given myself with Al Anon's tool) is, when I am in a fight with my wife, it no longer affects me for days. it used to be if we had a fight, my psyche geared up and got ready for the end of the world. Figured that would be the end, nothing was ever going to come of this marriage, I guess it's finally time to find a lawyer, etc. Finally calming down, it would happ[en again at the next fight.
With Al Anon tools, I have gotten to the point that I can detach from our arguments. They still affect me, but I can tell myself that it's just an argument, not the end of the world. Within a while she is better too, and I haven't geared myself up for WWIII, so I am able to come back and say I'm sorry quicker too.
Keep working your program, you will see the answers to all your questions as you keep working, because they are all inside of you, you just need to get the serenity to be able to access them!
Thank you so much for the advice! Does anyone have suggestions on how to talk to him? It seems he takes so many things personal which as I understand is normal but how do u tell them how u feel? Today I told my ah that I didn't want to worry about correcting my daughters behavior (she has been back talking some with an attitude and having a negative comment about some things) not really bad but I don't think she know the difference especially since my ah does this behavior all the time. I'm thinking right now I just want positive memories when we do things as a family and not argue. if I can't concentrate or comment on his behavior then Shouldnt I also put my daughter in this category too. I believe she would stop if he did. Am I wrong? How do u correct your daughter, when your spouse is doing it too? When I mentioned that I just wanted everyone to get along and not concentrate on it. He got upset and went down to the basement... I was happy he went and had no reaction. But I do wonder what is best for my daughter right now...correct or not correct it hope as his behavior improves then I can guide hers as well. Thanks for listening. So two questions really :)!
Help Angel-- the way I learned to talk to, to others, especially alcoholics is to keep the focus on myself, not attempt to blame them for my feelings but to take responsibility for what I was doing and saying I decided to treat everyone with courtesy and respect, including myself, validate my opinions, without trying to change anyone else's mind, knowing that they were entitled to their opinion. Just as I was.
You say that he wants you to correct your daughter's misbehavior and you feel that if you are powerless over him, you should also not have to correct her.
It is difficult to answer that question because a parent is always responsible for guiding their children in a healthy direction. I guess the best way to speak to either of them is to place principles above personalities, explain the principle that you feel is important and why. You don't have to argue and fight just present the idea.. For example;
If your daughter is being rude and discourteous, simply stating that everyone is entitled to be treated with courtesy and respect and if she expects that courtesy. She should extended to others.
As far as wanting to control the situation so that everything you do as a family has a positive memory. I do believe that this is a little manipulative and unrealistic. We are powerless over how others process and see a situation. The best we can do is take care of our own attitude and let God handle the outcome. I was always astounded when my son would tell me about many of the issues he had with me. From childhood. They certainly weren't the ones I thought he might have. You resented that I told him there was a Santa Claus because of the children knew that Santa did not exist. He lso resented that I never told him he was Irish, because on St. Patrick's Day, the teacher asked to hear his Irish and he said,:" what is Irish"/ and everybody laughed. I attempted to explain that in this country everybody was equal, and it was a meltdown pot. That was not the message you processed.
Please keep coming back. This is all a process and it takes time
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Well the good news is that is exactly what I have been doing with her but my ah always tries to make me feel guilty that I am not tougher on her.. He thinks u should jump on her and take privileges away is necessary. My daughter is on the sensative side and I know how to discipline her. Also, I am not trying to control things..the therapist mentioned that we need more positive memories to get over the negative ones so I have been trying to have everyone get along so that we can have some good memories. but I can see your point on that too.. Thank you.
Currently he goes to meetings daily either in person or online. He also has a sponsor. He has his own therapy and I have my own therapy and then we have together therapy. All the therapy is with the same person. At least he is telling me he is doing it :)!
Correcting others...program stopped me from doing that by teaching me to "share my ESH" with others letting them know that I had been and had been doing what they were doing and why. Amazing not to have to scold or instruct or beg someone else like I did the alcoholic and get absolutely zero in return. Now I share. I know what it is like to be an asshole and why and I know what it is like to be afraid. My sponsors and the program taught me by saying "This is what I did when I was there and this is what I learned and how I do it now". It worked with me and so that is what I do.
I use to do weekly behavioral healthy therapy sessions in the school districts where I lived. I also did that in a recovery program and I was in program (Al-Anon and AA) for myself. We had great successes and once the school psychologist/counselor asked me "How do you do what you do"??? He was amazed with the successes we were having and he came to the understanding that when we share of ourselves and let others know that we have been there also, just like we do in the program, that they also come to understand in time. Our program works when we work it and works when we give it away. Ever hear a sponsor say or someone else, "In order to keep this...give it away"? That is really true. Sharing without expectations really works. (((((hugs)))))
