New here and have some questions about my newly sober partner - Al-Anon Family Group

GreenerGal · Veteran Member

New here and have some questions about my newly sober partner

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Cynthia welcome to Miracles in Progress,. I am glad that you are attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings, have been reading the board for a time and have now decided to share. I am also happy that your husband is seeking sobriety and attending AA.

Alcoholism is a threefold disease that affects a person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When the drinking stops the physical aspects of the disease are arrested. The person suffering from the disease of alcoholism, still needs a program of recovery to grow emotionally and spiritually. This is the reason that you may still see unreasonable behavior .

We who live with the disease also become unreasonable and irrational without even knowing it. That is why the Al-Anon program is so important for our recovery. It is here that I learned to let go of blaming and criticizing judging others, keep the focus completely on myself,live one day at a time, and to act in my own best interest.by acting and not reacting.

Having a sponsor is very important to growing in recovery. I recommend you keep attending meetings, listen to someone who's program sounds solid and pray on the subject. Until then, you can read literature, attend meetings, use the slogans, keep coming here and sharing. Breaking the isolation caused by living with this disease is extremely important. So keep coming back.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Cynthia - Yes, when I got sober and when I've seen many others get sober, those dry drunk temper tantrums were frequent. When you take away the alcohol, a person is grouchy because they don't have their usual coping mechanism (booze)....also EVERYTHING seems so difficult and challenging because of a few reasons: 1. We were always drunk and not dealing with life so regular daily life seems really stressful and challenging. 2. The disease wants us to get all hyped up and angry so that we relapse and 3. We haven't built up a new set of coping skills yet and a sober frame of reference for life and for problems, so we react to stupid crap as if it's a giant problem.

I have seen sober alcoholics (and yes, even myself at 6 plus years sober) have some wicket tantrums. My uncle was still doing it periodically at 15 plus year sober in AA (but still a GIANT improvement over his drunk self). I say this, because you might not want to put up with this...just because he is "trying" might not be enough and that is okay. Someone can "try" to be the right person for me, but if they aren't it...too bad for them. That's just the way it is. I used to think that someone "trying" for me was reason enough or obligated me to stay with them. Nope. Alanon will help you get your own clarity on all of this. Keep it up!

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

"Dry Drunk Temper Tantrums" - somehow having a descriptive label for it really helped me understand what was going on, and not respond to it.

I can't really give you any advice, but I can say that for me, 8 years of her trying really hard and me really loving my wife hasn't necessarily made for the type of relationship either of us deserves. It certainly has not made for the kind of relationship that I would have imagined myself being in. There ARE and have always been really good times, sober good times, and good times in our relationship when she was using moderation management (which, looking back, really didn't help matters at all). But, the drunk and the dry drunk behavior has taken a toll on our relationship, my friendships, and my relationship with my family. Some days I am sure that I would not have made the same decision 8 years ago if I knew what I know now, and some days I am sure that I would have. No easy answers, I guess. Just keep coming back, listen to yourself and trust yourself. I cannot tell you how helpful Alanon has been to me in such a very short time.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I know I cannot live or be around that behavior. It has taken a toll on my own coping mechanisms. It wore me down. The way I live now is so peaceful except for the occasional boundary busting attempts. I have realized that I don't want relationships where people behave that way at all. Those people actually exist. I am filling my life with great people and in order for me to do that ... I had to let go of the others. I like making room for the "new" ones.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Greener,

As you have read above, yes, that is pretty normal. Only you can decide whether you want to live with it. Or what your threshold for living with it is. Or whether you are willing to give it a go and see if it gets better over time.

Practicing detachment with love is a possibility while you are waiting on him to improve. If he has a tantrum, just leave, don't engage. It doesn't mean you won't be back, it just means you choose not to participate in the craziness. A simple explanation when you get back should be sufficient.

In my experience, engaging with my wife when she is physically or emotionally not sober is fruitless. The bad part for me is, when she is physically not drunk, but emotionally not sober, which is what you are experiencing, it is pretty hard to tell what the heck is going on, and to say "well, she's drunk, so I am disengaging". It doesn't happen too often in my house, my wife is 1 1/4 years sober, but it happens just often enough it catches me off guard.

Keep coming back here, and keep going to those face to face meetings, you will read and hear all kinds of stories that will help you!

Kenny

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

People do what they really want to do, what do you want to do... alanon will help you as you process this... take care of you , beautiful pic... I wish I had made my decision to leave earlier, but I'm blessed now and learned a lot so it all happens as it is supposed to I suppose. Hugs and encouragement!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.