The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Apparently, I am being cold, harsh, and unkind. I think I am just being real.
I do wonder, when I answer questions honestly, like "Don't you want to take me to my mom's before work?" (No, I don't. Your mom isn't home, and taking you there before work means I have to pick you up after work. It adds 45 minutes to an hour to my 45 minute commute each way, and burns through that much more gas in our 20 year old truck that I have to drive, since the car is totaled. But I understand that you want to go, and i am willing to drive you there and pick you up.) AM I being unkind and insensitive? Am I trying to punish her for getting drunk and driving and all the aftermath?
My gut says that I am just being honest, and responding the best I can to the situation, speaking up for myself and my needs, instead of just figuring out how to do what she wants and take care of my other responsibilities. But, I wonder, am I being too harsh? Am I using this situation as an "excuse" to stand up for myself? And if I am, is that a bad thing? How do I define the boundary between taking care of myself and being vindictive? How do I remain supportive without becoming a doormat again?
I guess I am not just really looking for any answers. They will come with time and meditation. I think what I needed to do was put my thoughts and feelings and questions in writing, so I could go back and read them with a bit of distance. Distance, I am finding, is a healthy thing for me right now. It helps me to be more confident in my decisions, and gives me the time to notice the alcoholic traps. (Well, at least some of them.)
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
No Skorpi, you are actually being kind by not enabling. She wrecked her car drunk and no vehicle/ride is a natural consequence of her actions. The whining about "punishing her" is a manipulative tactic to divert attention from her and make you the bad guy. She is lucky you didn't leave her yet so all that boohooing about you being mean and punishing her after her totaling your car drunk seems audacious to me. You are asking how to be supportive? That is a tricky question because you can only truly be supportive to a person who is help
ing themselves. Prior to that, supporting a person in denial or active addiction usually equals enabling them because you are supporting what? More bs, denial, excuses and unacceptable behaviors.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 20th of February 2015 01:36:49 PM
Skorpi you are doing great. You wrote it out, thought about
Your motives, thought about her motives and actions. That
Is the beginning of your recovery journey.
It all takes time to learn how to deal with an alcoholic
With effective tools. Loving detachment and good and
Healthy boundaries. Not enabling the A's behavior, let
Them face their consequences.
Thats were ftf meetings come in and literature comes in
Handy. It does take time. You are off to a grand start!
Also your gut is your HP talking to you!
My ex accused me (as if being so was bad) of being too matter-of-fact after I began the Al-Anon Road and I no longer let his emotions rule my life. I could deal with that accusation because Matter-of Fact was a lot better emotional place to be standing in.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I imagine I might suggest she take a bus, if it was me. If she really wants to go.
I have noticed a tendency in my A to create situations where he is helpless so that he then needs to be cared for...for example gambling all of his money on payday and then being poor and starving and bored and needing to be carried by everyone.The payoff is, I used to pay for his everything because he drank and gambled all of his money, now his brother takes him out for dinners and buys him things...so for me rewarding destructive behaviour seems to beget more destructive behaviour and neediness and it helps no-one. I don't know about your wife but I know that my A has no realisation of his ability to take care of his own adult needs at all and I don't feel good about encouraging him to continue in that way so I don't anymore.
So I think you are being kind, if you don't drive her to her mothers to escape the consequences of her behaviour and helping her start to learn that she doesn't have to be helpless. That's a good thing.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
It's my practice to post here too to gain clarity. Well you can give yourself credit for working your way through these feeling by using our action steps. It so easy to lull ourselves into complacency by hanging out in the first three steps. Examining our motives, our dis-ease.. and considering whether we might try things a little differently next time is courageous. I think the willingness to risk even when there might be fall out is a sign of growth in Alanon. Thanks for sharing and for the reminder to keep pointing my finger inward. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Update: I picked up a bus pass today. (There is no bus service where we live, but after the 45 minute commute, there sure is.) Now I can drive myself to work and home, and should she care to ride with me, she has a bus pass at her disposal that will allow her to get to her mom's, or AA meetings, or whatever. There is no excuse that she is out of bus fair. She is not dependent on me to get around as much, and I can try to stop the mothering/taking-care-of-everything pattern I have been in. (Ok, I reverted to that for a sec when I got the bus pass for her...)
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Skorpi...did you re-read your original post and respond to the why you were doing what you were doing? That was a exercise the program taught me when I first arrived..."read it as if you were someone else and see it from that angle". Yes I hear anger and resentment in your reactions to her and then you're not a bad man, you're the partner of an alcoholic and steep in the disease for now...hungry, angry, lonely and tired (halt) anyone of those four things and I get to put time between what is in front of me and how I respond or react to it. Honestly? you're hurt and confused and anxious and tired and angry about this whole disease....might as well own it...all of it and get honest with your self. I learned how to say "No" because I was taught it was one of the optional answers I could use and that I could also allow my alcoholic/addict spouse to feel anxiety when she wasn't getting her way. I could look at her being pissed without be afraid or defensive. I could understand that my body language always told the truth whether I vocalized it or not. Learning how to control and manage myself was and still is what the program is about. I let go of that responsibility when I attempted to direct and control the life others especially those insanely affected by the mind and mood altering chemicals of alcohol and drugs. Not even God could fix anyone of my alcoholics and addict unless they first knew they needed it, desired it and were willing to participate.
Do what you have to do for yourself because that is your responsibility and allow her the dignity to do the same for herself. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
