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Just a little update about this, that n everything!
I've been a busy bee this last week, not on my computer much. That's a very good thing for me, I am feeling pretty good!
That's not to say life is perfect, but I am mostly enjoying it all the same.
A has been here a lot this week. Being Mr Sober Superman mostly, which has been sort of surprising. He knows there's no chance on earth he will be moving in here, and I think he's happy at his brothers where he is enabled a lot more than I can now allow myself to do anyway. But he's been here "to help" this week and I have to admit its been mostly very nice.
But anyway he turned up on valentines day night, said he just wanted to see me and help me get set up if there was anything I needed and he has been extremely cheerful and friendly and helpful, washing dishes, cooking, cleaning, taking out the bins and telling me to study and let him help "for a change". So I wont guess at motives, I did tell him it's very nice to see him under these circumstances but he can't be here all the time and he said he knows, so OK, groovy. So then one night midweek he drank and got belligerant and annoying and I told him to leave, so he did, telling me I would never see him again blah blah blah. Mhhm, I felt mostly just good about telling him to leave when his demeanour changed and I felt unsafe.
So he came back later, sober and apologetic and was lovely again for a few days. The tonight again he got stinking drunk and I found his slurring and babbling unbearable so I said, you can crash on the couch but I don't want to sit with you when you are drunk, it's boring and unpleasant. So he came and knocked on my door and informed me he is going to have a cigarette in my loungeroom and if I don't like it he will leave. (It was after midnight). I said that's unfortunate, you'll have to leave and I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow or when you have sobered up. So he made the big show, packing everything up and wandered off into the night and then came back because "he forgot his lighter" and when I closed the door again behind him he looked incredulous saying "do you really want me to leave" and I said "you can't smoke in my house so yes you will need to leave if you can't accept my rules in my home" and he came back in (leaving his smokes outside) and went to sleep on the couch and apparently will leave in the morning and "its over forever".
So I am not going to argue with a drunk person and I've left him to sleep it off on the couch but I feel good about defending my smoke free home, quitting wasn't easy for me, why should I have to smell it and be tempted or feel sick, and never mind how daughter would feel to have a stinky smokey lounge. No way. So now the boundary will have to be expanded to include no drinking at my house (inside or outside) and if there is any more bull-poo, then I guess no coming to my house at all. The good bit is that I'm prepared to defend this now, my home, my rules and there is the door. It feels good.
I feel a bit safer than I used to as we share a wall with the house next door, there's no privacy really and A has taken a real liking to the guy next door. Well we had argued a bit the other night when he got drunk, me asking him not to drink and him trying to tell me he was "just having a few sips and saving the rest for another night" (pull the other one, it's got bells on it) A went outside to smoke and the guy came over and started talking to him in the front yard, super friendly, "hey buddy are you drinking tonight are you? OK, it sounds like you are having a good night, hows your missus doing, is she having a good night too?" Well A didn't pick up on it, he came in raving about what a great guy our neighbour is and talking quietly and telling me we should "be careful not to make a lot of noise at night cause the neighbours are so nice". I quite agree. Clever too.
Where we lived before I could scream my head off and there was no guarantee anyone would even hear me much less respond. So there's one thing to be glad of living in a bigger town now, I'm not all alone if anyone comes and gives me grief. It makes me feel a bit safer and more confident. I like that feeling, so I want to defend that too....it's sort of self perpetuating.
Anyway.
That aside, I have also found some real peace regarding daughter's father and his rudeness, his demands and refusal to help with any of her expenses. I have found I just don't really feel intimidated the way I used to, I don't know why. I told him, without feeling worried, that I think his refusal to pay is reprehensible, I have no respect for him anymore and I won't be making any attempts to accomodate him in future, and that's the end of it. It felt good, because I didn't feel afraid or second guess myself afterwards. It might not sound like much but I've always been too scared to stand up to him and have always let him push me around and he's been playing this game were he does nothing to help but pretends to everyone that he is some kind of super-dad for years and I've always let him run rings around me. I don't know what has changed, I just don't feel the fear anymore or the need to cast my eyes downwards whenever there is the possibility of confrontation. Just a little tin god really, I don't know why I used to be so afraid of him.
Ex landlady also sent me a fresh email telling me that its all been a terrible misunderstanding and I really DO owe her lots and lots of money and I dont understand how terribly hurt she is and...she sent me a copy of the water bill saying "your daughter does love long showers, this bill really is your responsiblility you know and I hope you will find it in yourself to do the right thing"
Well, the bill was dated as due on 9th december. I moved in on 11th november and she would have been given at least 2 weeks to pay so at MOST, I was there for 2 weeks of the 3 month billing period. The bill was for $480 for 1/2August,September, October, 1/2 november. She was demanding I pay half of it...huh? And daughter wasnt even with me for the first 2 weeks I was there. So I pointed out that we hadnt even been there for most of that bill and got a lot of nasty abuse back and claims that even if daughter hadn't been there I had used all that water, "flushing the toilet". Yes, there was a night when I first moved in that I had to pee a lot of times, it's true, I had apologised and been embarrased, I must have gotten up to pee 6 or 7 times and she hadn't forgotten and is now claiming that's the reason i owe $240 for water...LOL. There was a lot more abuse and wishes for my karma to sort me out. I did block her email now and won't be engaging in any more of it.
So here I am feeling all brave, and good about it. I'm back at uni finishing my bachelor degree and I'm extremely happy about that. Daughter is doing wonderfully well at her new school. I've lost weight and have far more energy and am feeling good about that too. Money is still extremely tight but what I need seems to become available when I need it and today i applied for a stack of jobs locally as I don't want to have to keep travelling back to my old town now, it's the past and I'm ready to leave it there, along with ex landlady, crazy cat lady and a big pile of bad memories.
This is definitely a positive time for me
(((everyone)))
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Yep...long post and I have a couple of things to say.
1. YOUR DOING GREAT!!!
2. Yep you need a boundary for the drinking......Don't put up with it at all or it WILL bring you crazyville.
3. Nice blocking landlady and crazy cat lady and letting them fade into the sunset...
4. Your becoming strong because you know you don't have to depend on anyone including X......and proud of yourself because of it.
5. Work at getting employment and taking care of YOU and daughter......that is you mission in life to be happy.
Your the little train that could.....
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
SO glad that things are going well for you! Positive change all around.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks for the update Ms.M. It is progress not perfection that we aim for. Just remember that we ar powerless over others but have great power over ouselves with the help of program tools like detachment and HP.
Keep up the good work.
Sounds as if you're operating from a place of calmness - so good.
Also sounds like your A is realizing you're about to fall off his list of people he can manipulate so he's over there trying to rope you back in and push the boundaries, push push push. He's established that if he's drunk, you'll give him a place to sleep. And if he wants to smoke, he just has to go outside and then come back in afterwards. And there's a neighbor he can do his guy joking with. I wouldn't be surprised if the A is around a lot more often, trying to push push push at those boundaries some more.
I guess i know it must not make sense to other people so much. But this is what i wanted to try first, living apart but still seeing each other, Ive been saying it for a long time. For me its how i reconcile these two very conflicting parts of myself, the part of me that still feels like this guy is my best friend and the part of me that refuses to spend another day quivering beneath someone else's boot heel. Or my own. When we met we lived apart for a long time, i was a divorcee and never wanted to live with a man again, but to just be independent and find a partner that i could "date" and have a meaningful relationship with, without cohabiting. I had tried SO hard to be a good and loving wife and play the whole housewife roll with my daughters father and I was absolutely crushed, inconsolable in fact when he chose getting high, drinking and prostitutes over myself and our beautiful daughter. Yep, my ex had a thing for ladies of the night. Why spend time and effort on the real thing when you can pay someone to fake it? I still have some resentment over that, how can I not? He told me I was his soulmate, his everything there was, that nothing mattered except for he and I. In the end it was all just smoke and mirrors, lies. He took me for a ride, took all of my money and everything I owned and left me with a new baby. (to be fair, it wasn't that bad a trade. I made out a lot better than he did, in the end). Anyway one of the things that drew me to A was the fact that he never said anything nice or romantic lol. I knew he wasn't lying. He told me straight up, I will hurt you. I like you but I don't love you, don't get attached to me, I will hurt you, That for me was a lot less scary than a charming liar. It sounds insane but its true. Everything from that point on was icing. I felt as if it was the most honest relationship I had ever had. Except I told myself all kinds of twisty lies about how I was OK with it and ended up in a terrible sick mess. Anyway I knew it was a mistake when i let A move in, and i regretted every moment of it for the next 8 or so years. But I know I still want what I want, a home that has ME as its governor, a safe place for my child and I to raise our pets, grow a garden, live and love our lives and choose whom we do and do not allow in. When she grows and moves to Japan to be a star anime artist (her current plan) or whatever she ends up doing, I want to maintain that, me. In my home, OK and happy. Just me. I wanted that when her dad left and she was just a baby. That for me is the only way that feels right and safe and good. I don't have any urge or need to share a home with another adult. Other adults can visit. Maybe stay a night. If it's called for. I still love this person, I cant tell if the amazing superman who made me smile and laugh and feel loved and supported all of last week or the nasty musclebound baby that keeps me awake, demoralises and hurts me when he is drunk is him, i guess now I can be a bit more objective and find out. I also need to employ my memory skills because he has historically been horrible and abusive without alcohol too, its not new. The nice helpful loving guy is new, why has he just emerged after 9 long years? Questions i am asking myself. With pretty obvious answers. I suppose what I want isn't the same as what other people want and it doesn't make sense to many. My mother for example cant understand how I am going to find a better man if i am still seeing the dodgy stupid old one lol. As far as she is concerned, I will still hopefully grow up, become respectable and demure and marry someone with tons of money and no self esteem. She has told me as much. My grandmother has been telling me, though, since the day my husband first left, to secure my home and have "a male visitor for when you want company, or a woman, whatever. Just as long as they don't live with you or cost you money and they go away when you want them to" lol. My grandmother lived the life of punching bag, maid and nurse to a violent drunk for most of her life and I know she has some pretty good insight and great ideas for what she would do if she had a "do over". It makes me smile. I believe she regrets living for a marriage when there are other things she might have enjoyed in life and i feel that way too. I want other things, a lot of other things much more than I want a marriage.I feel guilty and weird about this fact but it is what it is. I dont want to live in a close co-habitating relationship with another adult ever again and I am so sure of that. Is it foolish to think A can fit into that? Probably, but I still love him and I need to see for myself how it works. I'm in a much stronger position now, I have choices and the ability to say no and show him the door. He asked me if he could have a key the other day and I said no, he spluttered and couldn't believe what he was hearing. He really cant have a key to my house, he, my very own boyfriend? I like the sound of my own NO. It feels good in my throat and in my ears. I like not feeling bad or relenting. I like my calm, quiet, "I am not comfortable with that". Those words feel good.
Does he think he will come and test my boundaries, push as hard as he can, does he see the error of his ways, does he think this or plan that? I don't know. I know that i am getting my life set up the way I want it and I enjoy his company when he is reasonable and pleasant and have not much tolerance when he is not. This is about me and what I want. What I need to learn. If it doesn't work for him, if it's unfair, if he finds my attitude unkind, well,he has choices. My life is not about managing him or second guessing his feelings anymore. He can decide whether or not this works for him.
So tonight is Saturday night and daughter is away. He slept here today while I studied. Tonight we are in separate rooms playing a computer game against each other and I am happy. This is fun for me, its a strategy game, very involved and this is a good Saturday night for me. I WILL CRUSH HIS ARMIES INTO THE GROUND!!!!!LOL. Tomorrow he will go home and we have agreed we will take a couple of weeks apart, I need to study and be a mum and earn money and he needs to go do whatever it is he feels he needs to do. It's absolutely not my business what he does and that is just right as far as I am concerned.
So that is how i am feeling about things, I guess I must sound weird and this is sort of hard to share actually.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 21st of February 2015 12:39:30 PM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Melissa I absolutely love the acronym JADE - it outlines our given right to not have to justify, argue, defend or explain to anyone why we are walking the path we have chosen. That being said I will also offer up that I too tried it that way with my ex before he became an ex. I stepped back and watched if his words matched his actions, I took a lot of time to weigh things, think about things and eventually, for me, chose to make him an ex rather than stay separated. It was MY time to take, my obligation to myself to see if there was any salvaging of the relationship - my family did not understand why I kept communicating with him but I felt it only right to take as much time as I needed to make whatever decision was to be made.
My daughter asked me the other day if I would ever take him back and the answer was yes with a bunch of IFs which include recovery for him through AA and then Al-Anon because he is a child of alcoholics too. But I'm not waiting for it to happen and truthfully don't know if the old feelings would be still there but I would give him a chance.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
The balance of power has shifted, its a more level playing field now. You have courage that i dont. My ex had me wrapped round his little finger, his disease and mine to be fair was like a wrecking ball in our lives so i would never ever have a relationship with him ever again. Its partly fear, its partly remaining anger, i would be tempted to punish him for past behaviours, lol. I would be on edge, like is he trying his old manipulations on me. I dont like this disease, how it looks, the way it talks, the negativity, the thought processes. Its just not for me. He has nothing that i want to be honest. I would rather be on my now than in his company. I have program friends who are still with their partners, some drinking and some not. They have serenity a lot of the time and they live full time in it. It takes real strength and solid program work i think. Its good you have your boundaries and things are looking much more like the way you want it to look. Good for you mel.x
Me personally Mel, I mainly wanted / want for you to be safe and happy. When you first came here, you were neither. Part of me is still like "be careful with that guy mel!" But I can see you are not the same mel as 2 and a half years ago. You are a smart and capable woman with lots of choices now and you seemed very stuck before. Just stay honest with yourself and unafraid to keep growing and all will work out as meant to be. Only mel and mel's HP know what's right for mel.
Keep sharing and procesing here Ms. M. You have changed and will continue to do so as long as you are Honest, Open and Willing. That is HOW the program works .
Isn't it funny, when I read "I can see you are not the same mel as 2 and a half years ago" I instantly feel worried. What does he mean? Does he mean I am not nice anymore? AM I not nice anymore? Have I turned into something un-nice? Do people not like me now?????
lol. I'm still so codie. I know that's not what you meant. But that's my thought process. Thank you for wishing for my safety and happiness. I have the foundations of both, it's cool.
Thank you all.
I'm on a roll right now and feeling great but I know I need to al-anon it more than ever. I don't want to crash and burn. I didn't come this far by sheer luck, the only way i can screw it up is to get complacent and not stay with my program. Mattie thank you for understanding what I am doing and not judging me. I do feel as if I am right where I need to be doing exactly what I need to do. I also forsee that I am going to have to learn lessons from this.
el-cee I do often slip into punnisher mode with him, but when he calls me on it now I don't feel angry, I apologise. I left. He's still in my life, still the same man with all of the same frightening isms, still Jecky and Hyde. But he's trying so hard, to meet me on my own terms. He has screwed up a few times but he's really trying. It's actually kind of a shock. He has been so different since I stopped living with him, showing up to help me, doing man stuff and not asking me for anything It's not a side of him I have ever seen before and it's showing up consistently. Then every few days he gets drunk and turns into a jerk, then the shame and apologies. If I was going to take his inventory, I would say he is fixating on me and trying to help me because he is absolutely lost and cannot deal with himself at all. There is NOTHING I can do but live in my own truth and part of that truth is, I love that guy and I still hope, maybe, just maybe. All he talks about is "us". If US is a thing then maybe. Maybe. We talked the other day about how he wants to quit drinking, he told me his plans. I told him, honestly, I didn't think the booze was the problem by itself, that if he wants to stop the crazy he will have to come face to face with himself and deal with whatever is torturing him so much. The alcohol will always be there, the pain and need to medicate doesn't have to. He muttered, "I am not going to AA". He knew what I was thinking, he's very afraid of AA, he had a mental health professional expose what he had said in court once and now he doesn't trust anyone and thinks AA is "for information gathering". Justifiable paranoia I guess. I touched base with my very good friend from AA a few weeks ago, he always had a soft spot for A. He always said, if my A ever wanted to get well, he would move heaven and earth to get him to meetings and "sponsor the crap out of him". I don't know how to explain it exactly but, it's like, I have decided to move on and A is right there beside me saying "well crap, this sucks, what do I have to do?" I can't know what he thinks or what he will do but I do feel him moving alongside me and for the first time I feel like, maybe. Just maybe.
If I want to be well and healthy and he doesn't want to let go, maybe he will come along for the ride.
I don't know. I aim to start to going to an AA meeting once a week, I still binge drink at times, not often but when I do, it's a problem. Maybe he will tag along. Maybe he wont and I will find a whole new bunch of tools to get me through this life. I'm not banking on it but, I do wonder. If I keep getting well, might he tag along and eventually start getting well himself? Maybe this is going to turn out a whole other way to what I thought. Maybe I have no power over it. All I know is, life is working, I feel safe, energetic and well. My daughter is thriving. I am happy and grateful and ready for whatever is next.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Dear Ms. M please keep on practicing these principles in all your affairs and trust HP. I had a 19 year old sponsee who binge drank with her boyfriend and attended alanon to develop tools to live by.
After a few years ,she returned to school, they married and this week they both celebrated their 1 year anniversary in AA.
I still see her once a week for coffee, her main program is AA and I marvel at the person she has and is becoming . That goes for you as well.
I love reading your long letters home... I spent the weekend at a recovery retreat... 'bout 7 hours away... it was awesome, but I was exhausted last night... delightfully exhausted... ...
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