The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Please shed some light on this. Sometimes when my husband and I have arguments, I cry a lot (hard). I end up feeling very sorry for myself and I end up thinking he is the worst person in the world. I go to the extremes and I end up feeling like I'm a victim and he is a horrible person. When I'm crying, he seems indifferent and unrelenting in his argument, which only makes me feel more sorry for myself. I have always struggled with standing up for myself and I have an extremely hard time dealing with conflict or uncertainty. I am very much a people pleaser. Growing up in an alcoholic home, I spent much of my childhood trying to mediate the horrendous fights between my parents. Thankfully, I have married a very moral, responsible, sober individual, yet we fall into this frustrating pattern all too often.
So fellow Al-anons, please help me: Am I playing the victim role b/c there is something in it for me? or am I just super sensitive? or is my husband an asshole (lol)? what is the deal and how do we break out of this dance? can anyone relate?
Hi alice. You have lots of awareness of the roles we play when we have been affected by alcoholism. I spent years playing out the different roles, victim, martyr. Full of self pity and resentment and i blamed my ex alcoholic partner for all of it. The good news is that the alanon recovery program helps us work through this with the help of others in the same boat. There are meetings in most communities.
Al Anon helped me find my voice because my biggest fault in my marriage was that I was a people pleasing doormat and an enabler. Also, I read a few non-Al Anon books about marriage and conflict and those helped me gain a different perspective and for me to see my part. It's not easy to admit to ourselves where we went wrong, but you are definitely on a good track just by coming here and exploring why things are the way they are. A marriage takes two and it's probably not just you and your being super sensitive, he has a role to play too. Have you discussed marriage counseling with him? If he's not an active addict/alcoholic, a few sessions with a marriage counselor might help you guys get some things on the table and you both can air some grievances safely.
I tried marriage counseling with my alcoholic husband but that doesn't work when they are active in their disease. If your husband is as you say he is, he may be open to the option? Oh,and only you can answer your questions above by working your program and by asking your Higher Power to reveal those answers to you. Hugs and welcome to the boards!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
it's interesting for me reading Andromeda's topic on surrender, than this topic, which for me are very similar. There was my wife's alcoholism, then there was my part in it. We had had a bad marriage for years, and out of frustration, depression, she started drinking, and it went on long enough that she became alcoholic. Once she started recovery seriously, I discovered Al anon and started mine. A number of things improved, but one day she sat me down, we had a big decision to make on whether we would stay together because we wanted to sell our house and move somewhere else. We had a long conversation about our relationship, where we were going, things that I had learned about myself. She then asked me "then why are you still an asshole?" My eyes were just open enough from Al Anon work to realize she actually could be right about something, and I discovered that I really was being a jerk. I surrendered my anger at that point, and, although I can't say it never comes up, I now know how to recognize it and what to do with it.
So, I guess I don't have any ESH for you, I'm just telling my story, sorry. I felt like at that point, suddenly I didn't need a counselor, I have seen them over the years but my eyes suddenly were opened to what I was like, how my anger controlled me, when I would have told you just an hour before that conversation that I didn't have an anger problem. I do know that it took both of us to change, I couldn't have released that anger without her talking to me, and without having started Al Anon and becoming conscious of my self and able to admit that I had feelings.
Hopefully you got something out of this, sorry, I guess my only advice would be to get to Al Anon and get to know yourself. I grew up as a people pleaser as well, even though not in an alcoholic home. I spent enough subsequent years trying to people please my wife that I never figured out who I was, that I had feelings, and that I was building up a treasure trove of anger about it all. Al Anon has helped me so much in this area I just can't express my gratitude to the program enough.
My husband and i would act the same way. I built
Walls to protect myself from his anger, if your husband
Is still bullying you after the arguement that is not good.
My husband is a dry alcoholic but i come from dysfunction
And alcoholism. You will learn tools to not be a doormat!
Go to alanon ftf meetings for your self. Learn self
Care,self love and self acceptance. It is a me program.
It is all about you healing and growing from the effects
Of alcoholism. We stuff all kinds of feelings and emotions
because of Our upbringing and need to get in touch with
ourselves To find our truths.
I know where you are coming from. It is a very painful
Journey to emotional and spiritual recovery but well
Worth the effort.
Guess what Alice...you get to do your own inventory and hopefully with a good sponsor. I had these questions and also the awarenesses mentioned by the others. We walk this program much like others do. When I learned not to be afraid of the questions "why" and "what" and "how come" and move on to possible answers with patience and compassion and empathy I started to get to learn about the one person I had lived my whole life with and didn't know anything about.....ME. I opened myself up to listening to others talk about being a victim and at times my head would nod up and down...wallah..."got it". I learned to understand that my default emotional condition was "fear" and when I listened in the fellowship my head would nod up and down and ...wallah..."got it" more. I learned I could nod to being an asshole...at times without cross blaming and justification that she was a "bitch". I learned to honestly say "thank you" when the inventory coming at me was honest and something I could and would work on. That is what this program of recovery is all about...self focus and self correction. We are not about perfection and strive for progress only. We also allow ourselves the expression of humor when we find our actions and reactions skewed and inappropriate. My problems were not confined to my marriage only...my alcoholic/addict wife wasn't the only bruising relationship I had...Correcting my behavior, thoughts, feelings and spirit went along way around me. Alcoholism in a marriage and family of course has a pattern and so does my reaction to it...my reaction never made it better...not even close. (((((hugs)))))
I am in the midst, and finding it difficult, of breaking the habits of a lifetime, but I believe it is possible. For me the first tool was awareness and the second was realising that I could control, or at least come to understand, my own behaviour and that when I did that I was less inclined to blame other people for my own feelings. It has been tough and humbling but also liberating, I am beginning to feel the benefits of being a grown up and having the self respect to admit that 'this is what I need.'
When I look at my background, which I always associated with apple blossom and happy sunny afternoons, I could see the moments when I learnt to feel a fear of confrontation and learnt to feel misplaced responsible for a parent. My mother had a breakdown and as a child I remember tapping the ash off the end of her cigarette when she just zoned out while smoking in front of the fire for example. So when faced with confrontation and somebody else's displeasure or indifference my default reaction is also tears because I feel like a child and I feel unseen.
What is in it for me? Helplessness perhaps? The expectation that I can give responsibility for my well being to others? A refusal to grow up and tell others what I need? Learning to love myself enough to not reject myself when somebody else has a problem is my learning curve. Compassion is my new tool, for myself, for my inner child, and for my husband who has his own demons to fight.
I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up in an alcoholic household, but it must be difficult. Is it worth looking at what your arguments are about, how they start and how they escalate? Sometimes in the midst of an upset I ask myself 'how old do I feel?' and that has helped me to identify some past experiences that I needed to deal with.
You can work on you! It is very tough to break bad
Patterns in a marriage. My ah and i marriage died
And could not be restarted. We started having the
Same fights over and over that led no where. Tried
Marriage counseling that went nowhere.
He was going to aa me alanon but it was too late.
He had miles of resentments and his own unresolved issues.
So go to face to face and get in touch with your feelings
Inside of you and get strong. My ah was an emotional bully
And it was not much fun. Ah still wont face his demons
Or himself but i am getting healthier and better every Day.
You do not need to share your recovery with him its all
About you. A lot of the people i go to meetings with
Were brought up in the disease but did not marry it but
Still Needed help because of their own behaviors and
Problems.
