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Hi, I'm new to these boards. I've tried posting a few times but always end up rambling on and on and losing my train of thought. Basically, I can't be @rsed with the hassle of coming from my family any more. My dad is the alcoholic, he and mum are separated now, they're both 65. I'm 36 (woman) and I've one younger brother, he's 32. I'm just sick of them all. I'm recently married and wanting to start a family. It looks like we'll have to do ivf so I could do without having to consider these people. I'm starting to realise that despite being made aware that dad was a drinker and feeling enlightened about it all growing up, looking out for signs of drinking issues in myself, not dating men who were drinkers etc., I've still managed to fall into some kind of codependancy role. I feel really cheated at this realisation. My dad is actually fine and doesn't cause me any problems but it's my mother mostly, who I'm realising used various passive BS techniques her whole life to make me feel I had to take charge of things. She's also turned into her own mother in law, who she seemed to blame for not helping her stop dad drinking, by constantly making excuses for and enabling my brother who is going down the same road. She's so bitter about my dad that I can hardly have a conversation with her and the victim complex is just off the chart. "Why does everything happen to her." She even said those exact words to me on my wedding morning when she woke up with a cold because she thought she wouldn't look well in the photos. Sorry, I'm just ranting!
What I'm long windedly trying to ask is, how do I stop feeling guilty or responsible for them all? We're supposedly close apart from this. They're essentially nice people. It's mad to me how my Dad,who was supposedly the problem for all those years, really isn't at all. I'd also like to point out that I live in a different country to them and still have these feelings. Sorry if this is too rambly.
I can relate to your family dynamic in a big way! I found al-anon face to face meetings in my local area and after attending awhile I found my wise old sponsor who helped me deal with my childhood and work the steps, it was amazing. I also did some counseling due to some other childhood trauma and for marital support because I married an Alcoholic also at that time. I kept showing up to my meetings and read everything I could get my hands on and eventually I learned the al-anon tools and how to set boundaries and a new perspective on life freed me from the dysfunctions of old. Show up, dig in and make the changes you can. I am glad you are here at MIP. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Sionna welcome to Miracles in Progress.. As Breaking Free, has stated you are not alone and there is hope and help available. Al-Anon face-to-face meetings will offer you the the safety in order to break the isolation caused by living in this disease and offer new constructive tools to live by.
It is here that I learned that I was always reacting to situations and never responding or acting in my own best interest. I was given simples new tools to live by. In order to stop reacting, and to respond in a healthy constructive fashion. I also learned to break the isolation by attending the meetings as well as to to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, and trust HP.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress, Al Anon is a place that you can go to where other people have similar stories, and therefore will have sympathy for your plight. you can get education on how the disease of alcoholism affects the entire family, sometimes in ways ones wouldn't expect.
Then, after a little while, you will discover that Al Anon isn't about how to make your mom less irritating or your dad stop drinking, it is about how you *respond* to it. As Betty said, co-alcoholics often turn into reacters, they react to crazy situations and get everything patched up ams much as possible until the next crisis. Al Anon will give you the tools that you can respond to the situations, get on top of them, and even feel like you have some mastery over your life. It certainly did that for me, I have grown a lot in this program, become a responder instead of a reactor, and it had nothing to do with my alcoholic wife and everything to do with how I responded to Al Anon face to face meetings and to this board.
My wife and I have gone through IVF, it's a rollercoaster of emotions without any craziness from outside parties. You aren't responsible for your mom and dad's emotions anymore, just like they don't have control over your emotions, only whatever control that you give them. I wish you blessings in this process, after a number of tries we finally came out with a wonderful son who is now 14 years old and one of the great joys of our lives!
Hi Sionna,
WElcome to MIP and you will find a lot of help for your feelings of codependency here. Don't worry about ranting. We all do it. I was not raised in the disease. I married into it. After being married for a while I could have said the words you use too. It is a response to living with alcoholism. Your mom was a victim of alcoholism and she doesn't even know it. Just make sure it stops with you. You are aware of your actions and feelings and so now you can do something about them.
One thing I learned was "Don't complain and don't explain." I needed the "don't complain" to make me feel less like a victim. Complaining just makes it bigger and bigger in my own mind. "Don't explain" helped me by keeping my mouth shut. I don't have to explain or respond or reply or anything else. "No" is a good answer. Anything more is explaining.
By going to meetings you learn so many things that you can try to apply to your own life. It really makes a difference.
It sounds like your mom's easy scapegoat is gone and now the dysfunction of the marriage is spilling out to others...blame and whining to you and enabling to your brother. How to change? Well you just made the first step here. I hear element of a step one already in your post in that you are sick of this, admitting powerlessness over them and their alcohol related issues and how it's effecting your life. Keep doing this through more alanon...here and face to face and you will only progress further.
