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Hi, Im new to this site. I was turned on to it by a friend of mine. I think she is worried about me and the toll alcohol is taking on my life. I dont drink - at least not often. Maybe a glass of wine at a party, but its not me thats causing all the hurt. Its my parents. They divorced a few years ago but they both have problems with alcohol. My Mother goes from being a wonderful, hardworking, intelligent person to this mean, hurtful, and just downright vicious monster who terrorizes my brother and I with phone calls at all hours of the day and night. My Father is a great person when hes sober, but when hes drunk hes abusive and cruel as well. My brother and I lived this hot and cold kind of life for the last 13 years or so. Though we have both moved out and started our own lives their drinking has gotten so bad and so disruptive to our lives that we just dont know what to do anymore. I havent even spoken to my Father since Christmas after he and his wife got so drunk they started a fight that has left more than one person in the family feeling alienated. But he isnt really who Im here to talk about I guess. Its my Mom. Shes been the biggest frustration lately. I have tried to be supportive, I have tried the tough love, Ive tried to get her to meetings, and Ive been there for her when she was arrested for her first and second DUI and almost sent to jail (she was given a 5 year deferment as long as she completed a 2 year rehabilitation program). When she was in rehab I talked to her every day, sent her things she needed, and got her settled in to a new sober kind of life when she got back. She was in a relationship with an emotionally abusive guy at the time (though we didnt know it) and it didnt even take a month before there was alcohol in her house and she was making excuses to drink again. Needless to say, I was disappointed. My brother was devastated because he was unable to bring his daughter to see her anymore. He didnt want my niece to see her Grandmother like that. Believe me when I say she is not a kind person when she has been drinking - and it doesnt matter if youre a 6 year old little girl or a 20 something year old adult. Lately, her drinking has taken on the form of these intense binges that can last for weeks. How she still has a job is a wonder to us all honestly. She doesnt go to work most of the time because she is too drunk to do it. This leaves her at home with hours of time to kill and no one to talk to but a cat (the abusive boyfriend is gone - for now). This means she calls us. Over and over and over. I am in college full time, I work full time, and I am currently fighting off a viral lung infection that makes it difficult for me to speak, eat, sleep, etc. and all I have been getting are these phone calls and text messages telling me what a horrible person I am for not answering her 13th call that hour or wanting to sleep instead of talk to her at 2am. I had a mid-term last week and she called my house 9 times between 10pm and 2am the night/morning before hand. It not only woke me, but my boyfriend and room mate who work early morning shifts. I finally had to unplug the phone and put my cell phone on silent. I bombed that mid-term because I was so tired I couldnt even think straight. I told her this and her response was that I am a disappointment to her and the worst kid any mother could ask for because I didnt answer her phone calls. I just dont know what to do anymore. Im so tired. Ive tried and tried to be supportive. Ive tried to be distant. Nothing helps. I dont think I will ever be able to make her understand just how badly she hurts us when she does and says terrible things. I can learn to live with things not in my control. The thing thats killing me is this inability to know what to do. How do I respond to her? Do I just cut her off completely? Do I... what? I dont know what to do to cope with this anymore. It has gotten so bad that my Brother and I have already discussed how we are going to handle her funeral arrangements and take care of her loose ends when she finally drinks herself to death or kills herself driving drunk. Shes still in her 40s. We shouldnt need to discuss this yet. He should be worried about which days he is going to drop his daughter off to bake cookies with "Gamma" and I should be worried about finding a day to hang out with her. Instead we are discussing who is going to take her ashes and who is going to take the cat ( I am not taking that damn cat). We have entertained the idea that she may get arrested for another DUI and have to go to jail. This time it would be a mandatory stay in prison and it would possibly be the only way to get her to sober up for a long period of time.... I feel terrible for wishing she would get arrested. But I feel terrible for everything involving her these days. I cant do anything right it seems and I just dont know what else to do. I cant be the only one wondering how this became my life? What do I do? Im sorry this is so long. Guess I needed to get it out....
Welcome to MiP, it sounds like you have been through a lot. It is such a difficult disease to cope with. When we think of someone in the family being sick we tend to think of everyone rallying round to help and the person getting better but with alcoholism its very different. Its a disease that needs to be told NO and actions that back up that NO. Your parents are suffering from a disease that tells them they don't have a disease. It has so many contradictions, its called baffling and cunning. Its a thinking disease where the persons thoughts are disturbed and distorted and it passes because the family members who don't drink get disturbed and distorted thoughts too. So it ends up that the whole family is sick, each person needing help. Alanon is where you will get the help. If you go the website you can look up a meeting near where you live. Thats where I learned to take my own life and happiness out of the hands of an alcoholic and I have been able to say No and behave No. Your parents will continue to terrorise your life as long as you keep taking it. Nothing changes if nothing changes and its really up to you to make the change.
Claddagh Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am so very sorry to read of the painful situation that you are experiencing with your Mom's disease. I would like to say that you are not alone.and there is hope Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless
Your attitude is understandable as you watch her condition become more severe . AA is the recovery program for alcoholics and alanon was established to help family members cope with the insanity of the disease. A lanon face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. I urge you and your family to check out the meetings and attend.
It was in Al-Anon meetings that I learned that I was powerless over alcohol, and the best I could do was to learn how to respond to the disease in a kind and courteous manner whiles taking care of myself.
Please keep coming back here you are not alone.
Thank you both. I fully intend to go to a meeting in my area when my health improves A little more. For now all I can do is hang out around the house and reach out to the Internet and my friends who have struggled with their family addictions. A very good friend of mine is going with me to my first alanon meeting when I can finally leave the house again. She was the one that turned me on to this site and has parents with a lot of the same problems as mIne. I just really appreciate the support being out there and the fact that I know- even on the internet- I'm not alone. Thank you again.
Aloha Claddagh and welcome to the board from this Pacific side of it. Might you also give your brother the word...the support you have heard about MIP and An-Anon. There are so many tools available to increase understanding and arrive at a recovery from the affects of family alcoholism and we do know that it is a family disease. My qualifier that got me into the rooms of Al-Anon was an alcoholic/addict wife. That is the short description cause I found out a whole lot more after attending for a while that was necessary for my peace of mind and serenity. Learning that my wife like all alcoholics and addicts was suffering from a life threatening disease changed my whole perception of what we were going thru and I started to change how I acted and reacted to the disease in our home and life. Learning that I actually lived with two women at any one time was rocket science and then learning how to respond properly for me to which one was there at the time was sanity saving. You got a Mom - and - you have an alcoholic (actually parents huh?). You and your brother haven't cause this, cannot control it in the least and will not be able to cure it. You can learn to surrender it and take care of yourselves. Keep coming back...on-line meetings work good. (((((hugs)))))
