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My husband is a constant drinker. He does not go a day without at least having a few beers. I'm pretty sure he sneaks beers in the mornings and at other inappropriate times during the day. He seems to secretly binge drink hard liquor in cycles, usually on the weekends every month or so. That is when it turns ugly. He tells me he just needs a little time to himself and is going for a walk. Then he comes home (intoxicated) and starts an argument, usually implying that I'm a bad mother to our infant son. I have no idea what triggers these cycles.
I've been to Al-Anon meetings and know I am supposed to detach. It is just so hard when he attacks me as a mother. It's my weakest spot. I've tried to take my son and leave for the night so my husband will cool down, but he has told me that if I do that, not to bother coming back.
A couple of weeks ago, when I caught him in a sober moment, I told him that I could not live like this anymore and that he needed to get some help. I said I don't want our son growing up thinking that this is normal or okay. He started telling me that he knew I was just looking for an excuse to leave him, that I didn't love him anymore, etc. I didn't take the bait. I responded that if he chose not to get help, then he was picking the disease over his family. He then reluctantly agreed to get help, provided that I make all of the arrangements, like setting up the appointment. He said that if that was left up to him, he would not follow through. I was not to sure about this since he is an adult and I did not want to be controlling. I talked it over with my therapist and she said that I should go ahead and set the appointment for him since he said he would go. I asked my husband if there was a specific date or time of day that was bad for him and he told me no and that he'd take off from work if necessary.
I encountered some difficulty setting up the appointment initially because we are in an area where substance abuse treatment is limited. I was also very busy with work and I just did not take the time that I should have to set the appointment, so it did not get done for a couple of weeks. Over this past weekend, he had another one of his "taking a walk" episodes. It was really bad.
So, yesterday I finally got ahold of the right person and set an appointment for a substance abuse assessment for him for about three weeks from now. I texted him the details. He called me up at lunchtime flipping out and saying he couldn't believe I did that. He told me that he knew they were going to want to "lock him up for a month." I reminded him that we had discussed this a few times and he had known that I was going to set this up. He kept yelling and carrying on and said he might not be able to make it to the appointment. I reminded him that he had said that he would go to the appointment no matter what the time or date was. He angrily said fine and got off the phone with me pretty abruptly.
When I got home, he was acting really cheerful and like nothing happened at all. I didn't say anything, but I don't understand the sudden shift in mood. I'm worried that the nice-guy attitude may be his way of trying to show me he doesn't need help, which couldn't be further from the truth. Does he think that I'll forget about it or has he just decided to make the best of the situation and intends to go? How do I broach the subject with him?
I also made counseling appointments for my husband and he had an excuse for each one - first one was too young and the second one was an atheist. In all honesty he just did not want to go. He did go to a few AA meetings, but I think that was because the court "suggested" he go. I went to counseling for just myself and I continue going to meetings on this site along with F2F meetings. If he wants to get better he will make an effort, not me.
Good luck and please keep us posted on how you are doing.
You have painted a vivid portrait of an alcoholic marriage. I could go on and on about your husband's infuriating and awful alcoholic behaviors...but truthfully, they are just so totally typical of a bullying, manipulative, drunk in denial. He doesn't sound at all motivated for recovery. When I got sober, I had to want it more than anything in my whole life and I had to be the one to seek recovery out and build it. Even then, it was about the hardest thing I've ever done. It took collossal surrender and willingness. He clearly does not have it and doesn't even sound close to it. He also will not see it as choosing the disease over the marriage, because within his sick and diseased mind, he will almost always think it is you that has the problem and it's because you nag and control and won't let him drink in peace (even if you did leave him alone...the disease will always create reasons until there is some divine moment of clarity from God and not you). So, given this, I urge you to put time and energy into you so you can not be on his roller coaster and so you can build your own smooth ride in alanon. His ship is sinking. Alanon is your lifeboat. Save yourself. Attend meetings and dig in to the program. You cannot control his disease but you can focus on keeping yourself sane and content regardless of him.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 18th of February 2015 05:45:22 PM
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 18th of February 2015 05:48:14 PM
I, too, am familiar with the Roller coaster. It takes different forms in different relationships, I think. I initially went with my wife to her appointments, then she went to a few sessions under my prodding, then missed a few sessions (I still had the privilege of paying for them since she didn't cancel them), and finally quit altogether. She said it "didn't work for her" and just "made her feel bad about herself" and "wasn't helping."
I am now going to my own sessions, and encourage her to set some up for herself, but it has to be her decision. I cannot make her go, just like I cannot make her well. I have come to the conclusion that I have to be responsible for myself, my health, my happiness, and my needs. If she wants help, if she wants to get better, then she is the one who needs to put in the work to make that happen. I can't do that work for her. (Believe me, I tried and it just didn't work!)
Good luck, you are not alone.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I remember when I gave my exH a real ultimatum. After a bad night after he came intoxicated, I called him at work following day and said that if he didn't go to a meeting I would leave.
I knew that he needed to want it and I was forcing him to it, but I had to at least try.
He agreed and I found a AA meeting at a day and time he would leave early from work. He said he wouldn't find the place so I met him at work to take him there. All the time before getting to the meeting he was trying to convince me he didn't need it and would never behave badly again.
Took him to the meeting and left him there, supposed to meet him at the end but he called me 5 minutes later already walking away from there saying it was "cancelled".
I said to him that at least now he knew the day/time/location and he could go back another time. He never did. And of course he behaved badly again.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I was glad to see your subject 'my H is a roller coaster'. That already sounds like healthy detachment to me. You have already gotten some great responses. I would add that going to face to face meetings and working a strong program are healthy positive things to do for yourself.
Thanks for the input everyone! I will try to get to more face to face meetings. It's just hard right now because my son is at an age where I can't bring him beacuse he would be very disruptive and I really don't like leaving him with my husband (guilt trip for going to Al-Anon and leaving the baby), but I'll bite the bullet and go. It's just an hour and I feel so much better afterward.
Also there are online meetings here--there were times that were difficult for me to get to face to face meetings because of kid-care issues. The online meetings are very helpful as well.
The title of your post caught my attention, as I am on a similar roller coaster. I hate being on this ride, it's been 2-1/2 years and I am just waiting for the constant derailment, that is now my life. I am looking to finally get off the ride as he seems pretty content.
I just started going to f2f al-anon meetings too, and so far I have learned a ton and feel much more aware of what's really going on and being more honest with myself.
Wish I could offer more support, but pretty much in the same place you are, so just know you are not alone.
Hanging On and Hopefull - knowing that I am not alone is support enough. I'm sure that right now, you two can relate to the feelings of isolation this kind of relationship causes. The reassurance is awesome, so thank you both.
Hi,
I am new to this site but I wanted to say that I can really relate to what you're going through. I have a three year old and a one year old and having children while trying to deal with these issues is so hard. My husband also doesn't think it's a problem and he thinks it's something he can control. While I have seen progress in him, our issues and fights are reoccurring. He refuses to go to counseling and he seems upset when I go alone. He thinks I judge and disapprove of him. When really I just love him and want better things for our family. I don't know what the first step is but I do appreciate connecting with other people. It's been hard to deal with this and not tell any of our friends or family what is going on. We have become somewhat alienated.
Alma, I know what you mean about feelings of alienation. I really haven't told my parents and other family members what's going on because I don't want my husband or myself to be judged. I did confide in a couple of friends who have had alcoholism issues in their families, especially my best friend, whose father is in recovery. I found those friends to be very non-judgmental and supportive.
Also, Al-Anon meetings were a big help to me when I was attending more regularly before my baby was born. As you said, children make the situation so much more complicated. I really want my son to grow up in a functional, healthy environment. I want him to feel safe and secure with us. And I want him to know that it's NOT okay to speak to his wife the way his father speaks to me, even if it is a disease. Looks like I've got some thinking to do...
dont worry about being disruptive in a meeting. we allow a mom to bring her 2 noisy brats to our meeting. they carry on as they play all nite. a crying baby is nothing compared to that
