The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I talked with a couple of program friends. I was crying a lot yesterday. Everyone said basically the same thing as everyone here on the boards. I talked with him last night. I explained how the trust I had was no longer their. He said he was going to still love me no matter what I decided. I said my decision is for me to be mentally healthy. I can not be with him because I will revert to my old self and I do not want that. He said he would be their for me if I decided to go back. My heart wants to go back but my head says no. As they say the struggle is real. My internal struggle is what I'm dealing with and I'm getting through one hour at a time. Idk what the future holds for me. I'm grateful for the program and these boards.
Now is when you delve deeper into Al-Anon reading and meetings - for me I understand that without the strength of the program I would have either taken him back or gone out and gotten someone just like him, repeating the cycle. I have gotten very good at standing back and really seeing things I used to ignore, watching for those red flags no matter who is waving them. One day at a time, one step at a time.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I can only imagine what your feeling because i havent really been where you are in terms of a non alcoholic relationship that then throws up another problem. What i do know is that we both spent years, too long in an alcoholic relationship and that brings with it some common issues, we are repeatedly treated like crap, end up with low self esteem, resentment and bitterness and that is no life. I dont think any relationship will be perfect but trust was a huge issue with my ex a. He couldnt be trusted and im not sure love and kindness and respect can exist without the trust. You know your worth, you worked hard to learn about yourself and love yourself so the answers are within you.
I relate to your wanting to go back to him, but I happen to be an adult child of alcoholic(s.) And so I chose men who were exactly like my parents, emotionally abusive, neglecting and unavailable.... and even though it was painful (in the case of my marriage, painful long before I even married him) it was my habit to go back for more, like a volunteer. AFter a lot of inventory and good sponsorship, I learned that somewhere deep down..... it was all I believed I deserved. Also, one of the traits of an adult child is fear of abandonment and so I'd stay in abusive relationships because I was just too afraid of being alone. I made other people my higher power.
I love what you have previously written, you are better off alone. you are never EVER alone of course, you can NEVER be separated from your Higher power, but if you're anything like me, you just forget that. which is a big reason why I need an al-anon fellowship.
My sponsor always used to say that I teach people how to treat me, and I have found that to be true. If my partner is not trustworthy, shame on him. I am sad with you, that some people are not trustworthy. Most important for me..... is I learn to trust MYSELF and my instincts.
If it were me, I'd stop answering his pathetic texts because that SOB is infuriating me right now. cheating is a deal breaker to me. I"m a big fat co-dependent, can you tell?!!!
Keep coming back, because you are beautiful.... and worth every good thing your higher power is preparing for you. Whenever I've had to let something go, it made room for something better.
-- Edited by FROG on Wednesday 18th of February 2015 06:21:27 PM
Thank you all for all the kind words. One of my program friends is coming over tonight. She's moving from one apt to another and needs a place to stay for a few nights. It's perfect timing I get to help her and her presence will help me through this time. I am grateful to HP for placing wonderful caring people in my life. I almost let him come over to visit. He said he wanted to talk. I didn't follow through but I really wanted too. Thankfully with another person staying with me helps to take that desire for him to come over. It helps with accountability for me not to give into him. I know I've said it before many times but I am so grateful for program .
The program works when you work it and therefore the problem becomes temporary and the solutions more permanent. We arrive at the most awesome and loving child of God that we are created and meant to be. Keep on keeping on. (((((hugs)))))
