The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is in rehab out of state over 2 1/2 hours away. He put himself there because I left him after I couldn't handle it anymore. I literally had to dump him passed out in the car in a Walmart parking lot and go in and call a cab to take me away and stay with a friend because he threatened to kill me before he passed out. He had been violent before and so I did what I had to do to get myself safe. He went for help and we got back together a few days before he left. I get a phone call from him for about ten minutes every couple of days, a phone counseling session with him for about 10 minutes once per week, see him for three hours on the weekend and send him cards and letters every day. He gets a 3 hour pass this weekend and I'm taking him to dinner. My parents go with me to see him because my mom doesn't want me to travel alone. Last night he called me telling me that I need to take a lie dector test to prove to him that I've always been faithful to him and I got very angry and told him to come home because I had been sick with a stomach virus for 3 days and lost 10 pounds and I just couldn't take it anymore. He called with his counselor this morning and she asked why I wanted him to come home early and I told her because his sister visited him just to cuss him out for still being married to me and because if he doesn't believe that I am faithful to him then he needs to be here to see that I am. This is very very stressful for me and his counselor urged me to start Al non. He has a drug and alcohol problem. We have been married since December 2014 and together since October 2014. He is a very insecure person and very jealous. We got a new apartment that I paid for before he left for rehab but it was monthly and I didn't know how I could afford to pay for it on my own while he was not working and so I moved our things into my parent's house so that I could take care of my dad. My mom works for the DA's office and does NOT allow any drugs or alcohol in her home. She called the police on my son last October because he had marijuna in her home and had him arrested so there is zero tolerance here. My husband's entire family are drinkers and drug users. I told him that if he goes around any of his family that drinks or uses drugs when he comes home that I will no longer be with him. I also told him no more contact with his sister since I've never done anything to her or him or anyone in their family and she is causing problems in our marriage. I was a rare drinker and pot smoker and had a 15 year addiction to pills. I quit drinking in December completely, quit pills in November at his urging and smoked pot for the last time in January. I don't miss any of it and don't care to use because I know that he needs a spouse that is drug and alcohol free. To me that is a small price to pay for his recovery. I take care of my 83 year old Alzheimer's dad and so doing online Al non is a good choice for me. I need any and all advice that I can get. Thanks in advance.
NOTE: The first thing that his rehab counselor told me in our first session that she has never heard a patient say "I love my wife" as many times as my husband has and that he says it repeatedly to everyone.
-- Edited by kiowawoman on Tuesday 17th of February 2015 11:20:54 PM
-- Edited by kiowawoman on Tuesday 17th of February 2015 11:23:44 PM
-- Edited by kiowawoman on Tuesday 17th of February 2015 11:45:18 PM
Welcome Kiowawoman (warrior?) to the MIP Family and as I have just been reading one piece of our literature "From Survival to Recovery" and have read your story often there I just want to say from my own experience that the suggestion of going to Al-Anon was the best one I ever got from people who it also worked miracles for too. Al-Anon is for those who have been affected by someone else's drinking and it works. You can find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book in most areas...call as soon as you are able and then go. We don't give advise and only offer suggestions from our own experiences. The white page experience is what worked for me. Keep coming back and sorry with you that alcoholism is invading your life. (((((hugs)))))
They both are good and you will get support in both places. Maybe try both and see if you like one better! Its nice to have face to face so that help is a phone calk away, it's also nice yo have online because there is so much experience sitting here in this forum, its like a library almost.
My face to face al-anon meetings is where I found my sponsor that helped me to work through the steps. MIP is a place I come to visit in between times to keep my head on straight, but nothing compares to my face time with al-anoners. Reading al-anon literature also helped change my life for the better, the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, the book Jerry F had mentioned from Survival to Recovery was a great read, there are so many that can help you learn the tools and perspectives of al-anon. I am glad you are here, dig in your sanity and serenity is worth it! Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks everyone for your support. I forgot to add to my first post that my husband actually called and said for us to work out I needed to go see a counselor for my "half truths" I was like WTF??
In Al Anon, we call that "inventory taking" We only take our own inventories, and we do it often. Same in AA. By taking our own inventories, we can see our part in whatever is going on. If you keep[ going to Al Anon, you will start to take your own inveintory, it is poart of our 4th step. Then you might find out "WTF?", or you might find out that you are perfectly fine, but it is all up to you, not anyone else. Taking someone else' inventory is saying that we know exactly what it is like to be in their head, know exactly all their feelings, lived their childhood etc.
So in essence instead of my husband being in rehab concentrating completely on himself as he should be he is trying to figure out things that are "wrong" with me that are not even true just things made up in his head.
And you are thinking about what he is thinking about while he is in rehab, lol. Dig into your recovery and change the things you can. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Yep. Pretty much Kiowa. But we also need to be honest with ourselves. Most of us. Come into alanon totally invested in figuring out the alcojolic, why they are so mean, why they drink, why they can't stop, how can they possibly think the way they do... So typically. We are usually not great at sticking to our own inventories either. Alanon does have tools for maintaining serenity and sticking to your own recovery even in the face of silly accusations, attempts at manipulation, and plain alcoholic nonsense. Ideally, you may one day each have you own program and stay out of each other's programs.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 18th of February 2015 06:00:59 PM
True I am tired of thinking about what he is thinking or how he is doing. Living by his "rules" even while he is gone. Going out with a friend of mine to a couple of casinos tonight to get the free play about an hour and a half away. I need this little trip. He made me promise no casinos while he is gone because there are men there but I could care less I am there to get my free play and try and win some money. Time to do something for myself.
Kiowa the suggestions I followed was to get to as many meetings as I could in the first 90 days of Al-Anon which were 102. We get suggestions not advise and then we take it up from there without having to measure up to anything or anyone. You can use both at anytime determined by your need to understand. When I first got to Al-Anon I was determined to blow it off and I did and left and got the promise which was made to me early on..."If you leave without understanding...it will get worse". I got that in spades and on my second trip I stayed in the rooms in my chair without force. This is a progressive, incurable, fatal disease which includes an insanity that is almost impossible to dream up. Do the best you can with what you have and what is being offered. Glad you are here. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks Jerry. I missed two days of meetings thanks to the trip that my friend Candy treated me to. She and her fiance took me on a 22 hour 750 mile trip across the state of Oklahoma to casinos getting our free play and not spending a dime. They do not drink and do not use drugs and so they are a perfect couple for my husband and I to hang out with when he comes home. Candy and I have known each other for 18 years. We are treating my husband to the same vacation when he gets home. I won enough money to go on a shopping spree for my husband, my daughter and myself. I will be taking him his gifts tomorrow during his three hour pass. I also got a four page letter from him in the mail today. Apparently getting upset with him on the phone works because I usually get a few words written quickly on a piece of paper but after getting upset with him I got a four page letter. Certainly learning how to deal with him while he is away. He says that the 10 minute phone calls every two to three days are hard on him too so at least now I know that part isn't just hard on me. Will be in the online meetings again starting tonight. I did learn some things from the first one and I am glad that I started attending. Can't really drag my Alzheimers dad along to the face to face meetings so right now the online ones are the best option for me.
Just so glad that I went on the mini vacation. I really needed it after all I've been through. Today my 18 year old daughter is moving out and into her own apartment with her 23 year old boyfriend. Another big moment that my husband is missing out on and not here to support our family through. I realized something on the vacation though... that no matter what happens with the "user" that life goes on for the rest of us and we have to live it and not always put it on hold because of them.
-- Edited by kiowawoman on Friday 20th of February 2015 04:07:19 PM
I would say that sadly whatever wonderful plans you have for how life will be, who you will hang out with and how you will spend your husbands new sobriety probably won't work out the way you are hoping and planning. I truly understand why you want to try to plan it out and make it happen but people just can't be happy and fall into line because we have planned it out for them, it can't and does't work that way. In truth if your husband really embraces sobriety and decides to recover for real and for good, he will have a whole journey to go on that might exclude you somewhat in the early days. It isn't all cured and better after a stint in rehab, unfortunately and I can't magine any universe in which a trip to casinos would be a good starting point for someone just out of rehab either. I'm sorry, for me that has disaster written all over it.
I too urge you to immerse yourself in your own recovery and attend meetings and focus on taking good care of you, your needs and your own spiritual and emotional health because if your husband is in recovery, he probably won't have a lot to offer you for quite some time and if he isn't n recovery, what he will offer will likely be smoke and mirrors. Taking very good care of you and immersing yourself in al-anon is a great way to be ready to meet him on mutual ground when you both have some recovery time under your belts however. And believe me, if you've been living with a sometimes violent alcoholic who is capable of threatening to kill you, you need some recovery. We don't come out of that sort of living healthy and unscathed and ready to care-take a freshly recovering alcoholic.
As far as him taking your inventory, and other people saying that you are kind of taking his inventory about taking your inventory, I had to laugh because I do the same thing and hadn't ever really thought of it before. I do know that when I began to make changes my A accused me of al kinds of nonsense and being unfaithful was a frequent one. I learned to respond in ways that left him out of it...for example he would say "I know you are going away this weekend to see some guy, you have probably set it up online" (I've never, ever cheated so these ideas were so insane). I started to respond using only I statements.....I am going away to spend some time taking care of ME, seeing my family and attending appointments for my own health and wellbeing" and stuff like that. I did also have a standard line that I still use occasionally, my simple truth...I will not ever cheat on you physically or emotionally and if I decide to be with someone else I will end our relationship first". I have repeated this enough times now that he doesn't really bring it up anymore because he doesn't get the hysterical drama he is looking for, just a plain statement of fact.
Anyway sorry for the long response, a few things in your post rang bells for me.
Hugs anyway, I hope you find support and encouragement here and in face to face al-anon, it's been a life changer for me!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
One day at a time is best once hubby is home from rehab, I found any plans I had for me and my wife after rehab quickly were changed. When she got home, she had no license, and had to go to meetings 5 days a week. So i was doing a lot of driving of her. I resented it a bit, but after awhile figured out she was doing it to save her life.
