The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. I'm the wife of an alcoholic with complex issues; survivor of childhood abuse and emotional neglect...probably same old story, struggling to know what to do/say/think/feel. I have two young boys, the eldest is 9 and the youngest is 4, I try to get on with life for the most part, but after 8 years of dealng with it all, I guess it's takng its toll...can anyone suggest anything that my help with my anxiety? I'm 42, and feel I'm wasting my life with someone who will never change, yet he's such a good man when he's sober. Such a conflict of emotions. Any help appreciated x
Most alcoholics have baggage and issues but they don't suffice as a reason for ongoing self sabotage through addiction. The analogy is that only an alcoholic will find themself in a hole and keep on digging. A sane person can clearly see that alcoholic drinking will make all that childhood trauma worse and not better. I can see how frustrating it must be Brooke. Alcoholics typically are not bad or rotten people. They are sick and damaged. Often by trying to have a sane, and mature relationship with such a sick and damaged person, it makes us sick too. Alanon is there to help get you to a healthy spot regardless of him and then keep you there.
I just realized I may have read wrong...Perhaps it's you that survived childhood abuse and emotional neglect? If so, sorry for the misunderstanding. That is also not an uncommon background for folks in alanon and if this is the case for you, you are not alone there either. Most importantly, welcome...there is help and hope in alanon.
I don't have much experience, strength, or hope to offer you. But I did want to tell you you are not alone. I am also 42 with a 10 yr old and an alcoholic husband. He's not mean or violent and when he's sober he's a love. I'm worn out and heartbroken as I'm sure you are. I started face to face al anon meetings 2 months ago. It helps to know I'm not alone, but I will I admit that I'm dubious still that I can be happy whether the alcoholic is sober or not. The drink will kill him eventually, and I haven't enough work in al anon to see yet how I could be happy as a lark while watching that. But I digress! I just wanted to let you know that I know your pain. Hugs to you, and welcome.
People not 42 may post in the thread but so far we are united here...
And as far as being happy whether they drink or not, I think people with a long time in alanon and a good program allow themselves to be happy in other areas of life if they stay. They don't ever become "happy" about their qualifier's disease. Relationships are only 1 part of life. And the relationship with the qualifier is only 1 relationship even if it is a marriage. It isn't defining of your entire existence. I think they also grow content and feel at peace but alo empowered knowing they could leave if they wanted, but choose to stay. And then, of course for some "happy" even if they are drinking means a split/divorce. None of us are literally chained to our qualifiers....even when the qualifier is a child or a parent who you can't divorce. Detachment is always possible.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 18th of February 2015 09:09:56 PM
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 18th of February 2015 09:12:42 PM
42 is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything. There must be something good to it. I will have to try to remember how good it was someday, but 54 isn't bad either!
Hello Brooke, welcome to the board. The number one suggestion I can make is to seek out face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area and try to attend; we have meetings online as well. When I first came to Al-Anon I read and cried and read some more; I liked the concept often spoken - don't make any major life changes right away because it lifted the burden of feeling like I needed to be doing something big to change things, off my shoulders.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
