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I don't know what to say, so I had best start from the beginning.
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for the last 4 months, but she has a problem. Well, she has a few problems not of her making but when she finds things are 'stressful' she reaches for a drink, and when she starts drinking she doesn't know when to stop.
This afternoon things have come to a head - she's been visiting me this week, and I rang this afternoon from work and she didn't know what time it was, her speech was slurred, she was irritable and verbally aggressive, and basically she sounded drunk.
I came home early (thank you to my employers to whom I didn't need to explain too much), and she was a total mess - it seems that today has seen her drink some gin (purchased from the shop), at least one bottle of red wine, and some port and some sherry that I had shut away in a cupboard (about half a bottle of each).
She is currently asleep as I persuaded her, I think, that, of course she was forgiven, but we could only really start looking for a solution when she was a little more sober.
I have spoken to her mother, who is very supportive, and admits that, when my partner has a drink, she can be abusive, verbally very aggressive and generally unpleasant. She has suggested that my partner go to AA - and I have said that if she does, I will seek support from Al-Anon.
I feel totally messed up, saddened and frankly upset - I love this woman a lot, and don't want to give her an ultimatum, as that would probably make things worse.
Aloha Bress and welcome to the family...I could have written your post and may be you found my diary that was authored when I first met and fell for my alcoholic/addict 2nd wife. Today I would change from experience one word in the statement. "I feel totally messed up, saddened and frankly upset - I love this alcoholic a lot, and don't want to give her an ultimatum, as that would probably make things worse". A woman - and - an alcoholic. What a confusing world until I understood the difference and understood that alcoholism is an incurable disease that could only be arrested by total abstinence or it would spiral past the insanity into death. She and you sound like it is in the insanity phase and if she is drinking beyond her capability to keep herself safe and healthy she can be closer to "end stage" alcoholism than she knows. Does she know she is alcoholic?...does she suspect? Mine knew she was alcoholic and an addict and then the disease owned her until she put herself into a major rehab and went thru the first two weeks with a hood over her head, teaching me the greatest definition of humility God has ever chosen to use, She told the rehab that, "If I don't allow myself to be blindly led in recovery, I will not make it".
I learned I was also addicted...without much oppositional choice I would choose addicted women to marry...addicts (my first wife) alcoholics (second relationship) and then alcoholic/addict (my second wife). Why? I was born and raised within the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction and was doing what came naturally to me...even the priest within my religion were alcoholics and addicts...what was more natural than that?
My ex-mother in law desired that I get help and keep her daughter clean and sober...she had already wished and tried and failed so what could I hope for? We ended up loosing everything and I lost everything I invested into the marriage and relationship...almost my own soul until I found the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Here is how that happened. I had reached suicidal (prior time was with my addict first wife) again and called Help in Emotional Trouble...no help, then I called the Suicide Prevention Center...again, no help, no one to assist, and then my fingers found the "A' section of the white pages of our local telephone book and the word "Al-Anon". Go get your telephone book and find it...we are almost everywhere. I called that number and got a live voice who knew my story my complaint because she had lived it also and when I got fearful about "being caught for telling on my wife" and wanted to hang up told me, "Don't hang up this phone...your very life can depend upon it". How she knew. You might not get a live voice. You might get a recording of where and when the face to face meetings are in your area. Note the earliest one you can get to and then go as early as you can. You can tell them that "it was suggested I come because..." and then grab your chair, sit down, listen, learn and practice coming back. That is your chair... You won't have to talk...it's optional as is giving your first name only. You won't have to talk about your woman...er alcoholic as everyone in the room will understand why you are there and it isn't important who or what gender your alcoholic is now. We know that alcoholism is a disease that affects everything it comes into contact with and that we get as sick as the alcoholic with the exception that most of us don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality as the alcoholic does...We get sicker.
Welcome to MIP...we are open 24/7 and there is centuries of recovery in this house...its all free and you can take what you like...leave the rest for later. (((((hugs)))))
By the way I never thought or wanted to join a group like this either...come to find out ...they are all the best family I've ever had. lol go figure.
Hi BresslawLookAlike (being a Yank I had to look that one up, very funny!)
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I'm glad you stopped by. My most practical suggestion is that you go to Al Anon, whether she goes to AA or not. You can learn more about the disease, you can pick some literature further covering it, and you will meet people with similar experiences. Once you get your mind a little cleared from the events of today, you can make a good decision about what you need to do next.
I have had similar experiences, wife drunk in the middle of the day, I had to pic up my child from school a number of times while she was sleeping it off on the floor at home. I was in denial for quite awhile about the problem, until it finally got so bad that she tried to drive to school to get my son herself while drunk. she is now in recovery, but it was a long, hard road for her to get there.
Once I joined Al Anon, I found that I didn't cause it, couldn't control it, and wouldn't cure it. I found out how powerless I am over alcohol.
I hope you can get to a meeting. We also have online meeting here twice a day, see upper-left-hand corner for more detail.
And keep coming back here and posting, it has helped me a lot over the last year!
My partner is an ACOA and has just about realised she is an alcoholic. She also has mental health problems that mean I am currently in a very scared place at the moment.
When you say scared, are you scared for violence on her part? Or scared for her mental health? Either one is very scary, I know. Many alcoholics are actively self-medicating mental health problems, that is one of the reasons my wife picked up the bottle in the first place, she couldn't get a psychiatrist due to a shortage of them around here, so she just started drinking to forget how she felt like crap. It went on from there.
If you need further help you should be able to find Al Anon in your phone directory, there are usually live people there standing by to talk to you.
I like Jerry's postscript - yeah, I didn't want to join either, but it's really one of the best things that has ever happened to me, regardless of my alcoholic. Hopefully Al Anon can do that for you too.
I am scared as, if I stay with her and she does not learn to manage her addiction, she may do something drastic.
I am also scared that, if she cannot manage it and I end our relationship in the long run, she may do something drastic - I guess everyone thinks that, though.
MY local Al-Anon meets tomorrow evening - rest assured I will be there
Yay...first meeting tomorrow!! Bress Fear is the most dominate emotion in alcoholism and it is supposed to be considering what alcohol does for the system...we get abnormal trying to exist in a normal way...it doesn't work and has never worked. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and when she drinks she becomes different even when she doesn't want to or denies it is happening. She is ACOA and that is telling because alcoholism (in my studies in college) is genetic. The children of alcoholics have three choices ...stay connected, be one, do both. She isn't unusual...insane and not unusual. Insanity is one of the two end stages of the disease...the other is death and yes alcoholism is a fatal disease. The manufacturers, distributors and sales outlets know this and still the best place for me is in recovery. My alcoholic/addict wife drank and used until she stopped because she could not, not drink and use. It owned her and that is what the chemical and the addiction to it does...it comes to own the drinker and user. They come to hate drinking and using and if they try to stop they hate more what it feels like to not drink and use. They get rageful and angry because they loose control while they are trying to maintain self control at the same time...this disease is insidious with the addicted and more so when you add in the family, friends and associates who are just as affected or more because they lack the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality and therefore go thru it like yourself...wide awake.
Al-Anon my brother...tomorrow night...I will be thinking of you while I am at my own home group meeting tomorrow night....Wednesday Night Turning Point AFG....home.
Glad you came here for support. We, who live with alcoholism can isolate ourselves. I did for years. It does sound like your partner is an alcoholic and theres not a lot anyone can do for her unless she wants the help, the tricky part is they often dont want the help until they really feel the consequences the drinking brings which can be losing everything for some people. Alanon meetings are in most communities. You will get what you need there.
I just read your post about her doing something drastic. She most likely has been an alcoholic for years so whatever you need to do for you and your life is the right thing to do. She may try to threaten allsorts of drastic actikns but that is blackmail and if you make decisions based on her then shes got you like a prisoner. No basis for a healthy happy relationship and a common tactic used to be honest.
She's spoken to someone tonight to arrange attending her first AA meeting - great step
Then I have received a volley of abuse for making her feel more ashamed than she does already.
Then she tried to tell me which of her meds (avoid alcohol!) I needed to put where...
she's now gone to bed and got angry when I was frustrated that she wanted to take her meds at 10pm, and not at 9:30pm, when she normally does...
I feel like I cannot win, but maybe I am just at the starting post
So many red flags...bright red for a 4 month old relationship. I hear her really manipulating you already, pushing boundaries, shoving you into caretaker mode and being incredibly self centered as alcoholics often are. SHE is a NEW girlfriend staying in YOUR house and got wasted raiding your liqour without permission. She caused a crisis for YOU at your job...And she has the audacity to say you made her feel ashamed? She acted in a way to cause her own shame. You did NOT cause any of it. You are not obligated to find her treatment, encourage her to go to AA, work with her family to solve her issues that belong to HER as a full grown adult. Let alone take crap from her while doing it. I am not trying to judge you. You sound like a serious stand up guy...To me, this reeks of a very sick drunk ensnaring an unsuspecting enabler and wreaking havok. It sounds abusive...emotionally. For that reason, I fear for you...not her. My guess is she has been finding men and other people to step in and try and fix her life and enable her for years. That is what alcoholics do. So Bress, you sound like you have a gigantic heart but please take care of yourself and watch your boundaries. You may care for this woman...I get that, but that does not mean you owe her anything at this point. In alanon, I learned to side step an alcoholic's BS, distorted thinking, and drama and give that disease back to them where it belongs. I see you with all the right intentions, but walking smack into her disease which doesn't belong to you and need not wreck your life. I am sorry if this sounds blunt but it is because I am actually scared for you more than her and I wish I knew this stuff before I went trying to fix or manage someone else's alcoholism...a disease which is so far beyond you being able to fix, manage, or control. Alanon is good...it will help but it is not so you can have a happily ever after with this woman. It is for you to learn about you and some part of that involves self inventory of the reasons you would choose this woman, describe her as wonderful, yet also boundary trampling, alcoholic, and mentally ill and somehow worth allowing to cause a tornado of drama in your life after dating only 4 months?
Yep, I have an enormous heart, but it will not offer endless excuses if she is not prepared to do what she says she is prepared to do. I refuse to have it broken and quite simply told her tonight I did not want to end up watching over her coffin if she got out of control and did something very stupid.
She's been through a hell of a lot, in addition to being an ACOA - including nursing her last partner from diagnosis of a terminal illness to his death in a matter of six weeks.
I am looking forward to tomorrow's meeting, as maybe then I will be able to work out in my head what the future holds for me.
What grace the program gave me often was being able to work out what I needed to do for myself in the next minute with the longest period of time being the next 24hours. We only live this one day at a time. You will be amazed at how cunning powerful and baffling this disease is. I just saw on television that there is now a new title for alcohol or alcohol drinking called "Adult drinking" and I almost rolled off my sickbed onto the floor. You gotta be an adult before you can drink a mind and mood altering chemical. You gotta be grown up to understand just the right amount of poison you can administer to your mind, body, spirit and emotions. I know that's a bit of my jaded personality going on backed by being born and raised init. Soreeee. Keep coming back. Pray the meeting goes well. From Hawaii (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 17th of February 2015 06:22:40 PM
My AGF got up an hour ago briefly and we spoke. She understands that I love her immensely, but when she drinks I don't particularly like her.
She's going to have a killer hangover, and I am not letting her go home on the train today, as that would almost certainly lead to her having a drink to take away the effects of the hangover.
Fortunately I had planned to take a day's annual leave today and have booked it. I was going to be looking for a new place to live (my own circumstances means I am a gnat's fart away from repossession (foreclosure) on my house).
Taking care of your own needs is prime responsibility I learned in early recovery. When I self focused I had to by suggest get away from all things alcohol. There were losses and not near as dearly as my life which was up for grabs. I stopped all decision making on my wife's using and drinking and the behaviors that came with that and left to come find myself. That's what worked for me. That is what still works for me. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I did this too bress. Took time off work, was extra watchful and caring, listened extra hard to the never ending tales of woe, made better dinners all to stop him drinking. You can sell your soul to the devil and i dont think it would stop them drinking. They are sick but more importantly is our desire, compulsion, obsession to stop them drinking. It becomes the most important thing in our lives. Its insane.
I think you have got choices today, babysit a grown woman who will resent you for it or do whats good for you and keep,your plans, keeping a roof over yourhead might be the priority over a full grown baby woman.
Your relationship is really new, can i ask, why would you put up with this relationship when its this bad in the beginning?
Of course your are entitled to ask. My partner and I did not meet in a bar or anything like that, we started chatting as we learned we both had something deep in common, a real bond, in that we both lost a loved one to a particularly pernicious and poorly-researched form of cancer. We chatted for a long time then found we had a lot to chat about and a very deep bond and attachment formed, and things went on from there.
In addition, we are both of us not in the first flush of youth - I am nearly 46, have two daughters, and am a divorcé, and she is 41 and hasn't had a partner since her last one died.
I hope you can let her find her own path without trying to manage her life, especially at only 4 months in. If the mess seems this big now, it only gets worse with A's I hate to tell you, but have grown up with them and married them. This path you are heading into full bore can and will bring you to your knees! The disease of alcoholism nearly killed my entire family and the violence and scary parts only get worse, coupled with mental illness, I am worried for you, only because I know where I have been and none of it I wish on another human! She somehow managed to make it this far in life without you and can manage the rest if you so choose, but in the meantime take good care of you. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was a great read for me in the beginning of my al-anon journey! Sending you much love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I used to try to keep my wife from drinking. I found out that if she wanted to drink, she figured out how to get a drink. The only thing that her from drinking was 1) being in jail 2). having a 24 hour alcohol monitor 3). Deciding that it was going to kill her and stopping. #3 was the best alternative.
I took off work to pick up our kid from school. I took off work because I could tell she had had a bad day. I got her upstairs to bed when she could pour through my arms she was so limp. I took off work to visit her in jail. I took off work to take her to rehab. Noe of that changed anything.
She lost her license for three months on her first DUI. 2 days after getting her license, she would drop us off to wait to get a carryout pizza, then she would go to "get some petrol" It took her about 10 minutes longer than it should have, and I saw her parked in the liquor store just down the street. In short, if she wanted to drink she would drink, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.
Except drive myself nuts, endanger my job, lose my self-respect and my respect for her. That's what I did about it. That's when I decided to give it all up. When I decided to do that, she would get DUIs. After the second one, she decided she would kill herself if she continued, and got help. And then I got help here and in Al Anon.
She feels wretched and we have spoken. She has seen the depths to which she has sent me when I broke down sobbing (I am 6 feet 7 inches so it is quite a sight)
She has arranged a meeting with a member of the alcohol liaison team in the city in which she lives and has the 24/7 mental health hotline number for the city's mental health team.
Today has been a lot more positive than I thought it could be, but I know there is a long way to go.
You also painted the picture for us Bress and for me I feel sad while acknowledging the cunning, baffling and powerful nature of this disease. 6`7" isn't a deterrent or tide mark to alcoholism...it doesn't even measure or matter you don't and won't collapse any faster or slower than someone a foot shorter (me). Alcoholism is a fatal disease and that means (from my wide experience) that it will kill not only the drinker; it will take those affect by the drinker also. That is one of the reasons we are all here listening, learning and supporting each other we want to live and help others live too. Its good you've kept coming back and participating. In the closing of your meeting they read (hopefully) "....if you keep an open mind you will find help..." (it goes on from there). Great you are hanging in with us in Al-Anon and MIP. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Last night I didn't attend Al-Anon. I knew my AGF would need me to be around to offer support to help her stop going over the top. Yes, she drank, to take the edge off her hangover, but I couldn't stop her doing that, and if I hadn't been around she would have bought more.
She suffered a major anxiety attack at 8:30pm, we got through to 9pm, she took her meds, and we went to bed. We've pretty much survived the night. This morning she said to me 'You've got your girlfriend back', but I know it's an endless road we are on, and I know that I have to be prepared to stop travelling it with her if I feel it is not right for me.
She doesn't want my mum to tell know she has a drink problem, and I am happy to go along with that, as my AGF needs to be the one to tell people that she is an alcoholic.
Bress, I'm new here and have no idea how to help myself yet much less anyone else but I just wanted to say good luck to you...for today. I hope you get to Al-Anon soon, I need to start going too...I think Saturday February 28 will be the day..
Take care of yourself. In my experience, ditching self care to take care and play nurse to an alcoholic was a sign I was losing myself in someone else's drama and that I was trying to save and rescue them at the expense of myself.
Welcome Bress Glad you found us. I too would like to urge you to attend face to face metings so as to obtain the support you need to make healthy choices. Keep coming back
