The material presented
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level.
Ok, so what's wrong with me? I was expecting a huge wash of emotions once I moved out. I got nothing. No tears. The only feelings I've had have been joy, peace, and 'ah, I can breathe again'. I can't tell you all how wonderful it is to not be woken up in the middle of the night by a stumbling drunk, to not have to feel like I will be put on trial during the day because I'm just 'available' to him to talk, etc.
We meet with the mediator/lawyer today. I went over to the old house yesterday to get some stuff out the garage and he helped me put stuff in my car. He didn't look good. Hadn't shaved, smelled of booze, etc. Now, my biggest concerns are for our son and for my financial future (as always, lol). I have done all the prep work for the lawyer and will be finishing the asset/liabilities sheet for her this AM. I am sad for him more than anything. I know it must hurt to have your wife leave, take the dog and your son, and empty out your marital home. I feel compassion for him today.
He still thinks he did nothing wrong. He is back in denial and there's nothing I can do to help him or convince him otherwise and I truly know that it's all in God's hands at this time. My son told me that AH (guess I should say STBXAH??) has turned down beers when they go play tennis at a tennis club every Sunday. He said he doesn't think AH will drive drunk with him in the car, but we all know that may only be temporary.
Thank goodness my son is almost 16 1/2 years old. AH and I agreed upon a parenting plan yesterday via email but we know that it will vary weekly depending on what our son has going on with friends, tennis schedule, other extracurricular activities, and school. We agree to every other weekend our son will spend with him to include 2 overnights and then AH will take him for 1 day during the week depending on his work travel schedule (probably Wednesdays or Thursdays).
In AH's last email he told me that he thinks I should have our son for ALL holidays because we have family and he does not. He said that he wants us to travel to see family and that he'd be willing to donate fly miles to us. HAHA...that's funny, because one of his AA resentments towards me was that I used his fly miles to take our son back east to visit family last year...even though he TOLD me to take them after I was planning on booking the trip and paying using the credit card. UGH....whatever. I don't take the bait anymore, I don't listen to the pity party. He has family, he chooses to not reach out, he chooses to scoff at AA, he chooses to let his alcoholism spiral. I have to get on with my life and so I am!
Hugs to everyone today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Bonnie you are amazing! I am still in limbo land
After 7 months. Look at you! You are one determined
Woman! Congratulations!
The emotions and feelings will come. Right now you
Are fighting for your rights and dealing with ah and
Your financials. You are focused, what a blessing!
I am finding with my grieving,emotions and feelings
i have Brain fog. My lawyer watches my back from
My ah. I am a softie where ah is concerned
He knows which buttons to push. Ah wanted to do the
Divorce ourselves and he would be fair no lawyers.
I am very thankful for my lawyer she is great but the
Costs do keep increasing the longer it goes on. We
Could have been divorced in december if we came
To a financial agreement. No go he really doesnt
Want to give me anything he is so full of resentments.
I'm guessing you have already worked through the grieving process and already had arrived at acceptance by the time you moved out, so your emotions aren't as mixed. I'm so happy that you are able to find relief, adn that you are just moving on and not taking bait.
What a transformation you have gone through. I'm happy you aren't sad or upset in your new home. Your head is in the right place right now dealing with everything. One day at a time is the key they say and your doing it.
Lets hope and pray your STBXAH will come to a realization he is losing it all and his life will be unmanageable in the very near future.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Aloha Andromeda. Commitment and persistence shine thru your post as do the benefits of them. I love remembering the benefits especially when I feared something else that was hugely negative would happen. If nothing changes...nothing changes. I was just thinking that telling him how you felt when you woke up in the morning was like without being disrespectful and discourteous might cause him to care...and then I have to remember we are talking about an alcoholic unwilling to be sober. I am also thinking (cause I use to work in the field) that giving your son information on the disease and its genetic nature would also be appropriate. Giving tools isn't the same as doing the work yourself as I have learned in our program. Good on you and thanks for the lessons. (((((hugs)))))
Im glad you have peace andromeda, you have done so well, the healing can really begin now for you and your son. When i left my ex at first, he went downhil, he took to his room, lost weight, really went for it, drinking all day, but by then everything had changed. The kids were old enough to decide whether to visit him or live with him and they chose to stay away and leave him to it. It didnt take long for him to realise noone was there to feel sorry for him or buy into his pity party and lowand behold he went to aa. Hes been sober a couple of years now. My daughter lives with him, the boys see him regularly. He has people in his life now. He knows they will step out and away if he chooses to drink again. So, you may be dojng a loving thing for everyone concerned including your ex. This is a direct consequence to his untreated disease. The choices are his. Enjoy your serenity and know that serebity is there for him too if he decides togo looking for it.x
Wow, I sure can relate to you saying, "I can breathe again." That was exactly what I felt when I separated from my AH and moved out on my own. Happy that you are taking care of you!
Well, the tears finally came while in mediation. I got so frustrated with his pity party and him claiming that I STOLE HIS CONFIDENCE AND HIS ABILITY TO DO HIS JOB EFFECTIVELY and I got teary eyed while telling him that we need to do what's best for our son. His response? "What about what's best for ME? Doesn't anybody think about what's best for me?"
Yep, I nearly blew my top but I just said very firmly, "You're an ADULT for god's sake!" I had hit my breaking point listening to him say, "What B doesn't understand is that my job requires me to be confident and I won't be able to do my job effectively because she took it from me."
He kept whining about how he won't be able to cover all our costs and refused to see other alternatives. He didn't want to pay for spousal support for more than 2 years but the mediator tried to tell him that he was being unreasonable.
He wants to put in a cohabitation clause into the divorce that states he won't pay support if I get a live in boyfriend. BWWAHHHAAHH, I found that be extremely humorous.
I tried to stay calm and be agreeable while also respectfully speaking my peace. When STBXAH went off on a topic, the mediator would turn to me and ask me what my thoughts were and bring me into it. She never let him go on and on and on, which was helpful and I felt that be at least a little validating.
I'm exhausted. I was seriously angry and quite riled up when we finished but I calmed down in a few hours. This is not going to be easy....
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Try altering that last thought a bit more on the positive side so that you don't set yourself up for negativity. I use to use, "I don't know how stuff will come out..might as well use patience for now". I use to turn molehills into mountains without heavy equipment...today I don't bother. I'm not God and God has other ideas...(((hugs))))
It sounds like you have the patience of a saint. I'm sure the mediator was immediately able to tell who was the adult in that scenario. She is probably still rolling her eyes in private.
I keep thinking of my friend who observed, "At least he never gave you cause to regret leaving."
Chocolate....yep, I had some of that last night, Mattie!
I am very tempted to just go get my own attorney and forget about using the mediator. If he is going to use our sessions as a place to get on his soapbox, accuse me of cheating, complain about his work performance, and throw around false blame, I don't want to be privy to it. Life is too short to listen to insanity and I've had my fill over the past 20 years. At least I don't live with him anymore and that's been a HUGE relief.
LOL to what you said above: Yeah, I was not sitting there saying, "Oh, how I miss him. What was I thinking leaving him?"
Jerry, thank you for the input about turning things around to a better perspective. Today will be a better day!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Your mediator sounds poor. That should be a place to come to a settlement, not air grievances. And the bit about how you had taken away his confidence - sounds like someone needs to get to an Al Anon meeting and learn how powerless others are over him lol!
Kenny, she reined him in each time and then would turn to me and ask if I had something to say. It's just that STBXAH airs grievances, she nips it in the bud and gets us back on track, and then he says something similar to the first grievance AGAIN. He's got broken record syndrome, lol.
Oh, I am soo very powerful...I was able to actually take away his confidence. Give me a break.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
When my first marriage of 24 years was ending and he finally moved out, there we no after move tears - I had cried buckets up to being able to say the words "I just want him gone" - that was the hardest part for me - saying the words that would finally end it. The second ending I cried more after he was gone and I was alone, he was my dream guy and I still cared deeply for him, wanted him to stop drinking and return to the man I fell so hard for.
When I hear of guys saying things like - not wanting to pay spousal support if you have a live in boyfriend - I think hmm, what must his buddies be telling him? I guess I don't blame a guy for not wanting to wind up supporting another man but the statement just shows how little he understands about you and why you are finally taking these steps - live in boyfriend after going through you STBXAH? No thank you!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
My mediator was great just not my ah. We only stayed in the same
Room for 10 minutes max. Both lawyers were there mediator went
Back and forth. My ah has way too many resentments for a productive
session. He was the one that requested the mediation session because
I would not move out. I told him he could come home if he felt he
Needed to be there. No way! That would not have worked with his gf.
My ah did get brave after our meeting and came and saw Me at
The end of the week. He would only talk financials no personal at all.
But nothing has been resolved because he can not get the financing
And does not like his consequences. Ah really doesnt want to give
Me anything especially spousal support. That is a real big issue!
If only his confidence had been taken away ! He would then be able to acknowledge that he is powerless over alcohol. Right now he has confidence that he will be able to control it and that his life will be fine without recovery. That's the kind of confidence where it would benefit him if he lost it. If only you had the power to take that confidence away! Too bad he can't see that you are powerless over his confidence. But if his confidence is a little bit shaken by everything that's happened ... what a blessing that would be. How greatly he should thank anyone who had a part in that.
It does sounds as if he is too self-absorbed to be getting much from mediation. If it's not helping you get what you want, then it doesn't sound useful. But maybe it is - whether or no, you are demonstrating some mighty powerful tools and patience not to reach over and strangle him!
LOL, Mattie. Yeah, I pretty much wanted to strangle him....geez.
I sent him an email this AM asking him about how the refi is coming along and his response was, "I plan on calling the mortgage guy this AM. What YOU should be concerned about is whether I'm talking to Schwab about the investments." Well, okie dokie then, thanks so much for telling me what I should be concerned about. So very helpful of him....gah!
And, yes, LMH, I definitely won't be having a live in boyfriend any time soon.
Funny thing today. I met a neighbor from across the street: single dad, seems like a nice guy.....he has the same name as my husband, LOL!!! Of course, my mom's husband has the same name, too, LOL!
I will be staying away from men for a while, though. I need time to heal. STBXAH doesn't understand that. As a matter of fact he told a mutual friend of ours that his first goal right now is to get laid ASAP.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
"... What YOU should be concerned about is whether I'm talking to Schwab about the investments." Well, okie dokie then, thanks so much for telling me what I should be concerned about. So very helpful of him....gah!
Sounds like A language for "I love how this mediation is taking so much time. it's giving me time to get everything hidden away, spent, etc" I hope you are still the keeper of info about the fiduciary matters
Andromeda...just for me be careful of the similarities of the past...just a reaction on my part...as certain "names" interwove throughout my journey. I showed me how I could and would keep them in the toxic mix. I learned that doing what was familiar was part of what kept me within the clutches of our disease and dulled my alertness. You sound free and that sounds nice. (((((hugs)))))
