The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night was a bad night. I have been dating a man for 4 and a half months. And last night after dinner we went to his house to watch a movie and 5 min after we got their a woman came ringing the doorbell and knocking like a mad woman. She said she had slept with him this weekend. He has a son and has custody every weekend so we don't spend as much time together as we do during the week. She said she went over and they had sex before he went to pick up his son on Friday. I just stood their in disbelief. I couldn't believe it. I've been cheated on again. What is it in my personality that attracts such a man? I thought I was safe with him because he does not drink, smoke or do drugs. Our relationship up until last night was good. No fighting, no drama, very kind and very loving. I thought it was good this news blind sided me. This lady was crazy and I felt hostage in the home. He never opened the door she was just yelling. I wanted to leave but she wouldn't move. It was more than an hour before she left and then I left too. He called and texted. He says he loves me and gave me all the bull my ex husband would give me. I told him our relationship is broken it can't be fixed. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. I was with my ex for 18 years. Not one year did I trust him and it tore me apart and made this person that I didn't even recognize. It took me awhile to get back to a healthy version of me and I don't want to let him take that away from me. I did fall in love with this man but it's not right that he cheated on me. I feel like I'm mourning and I guess I am I am mourning the future I thought I was going to have with him. I'm better off alone than in a relationship where I'm lied to. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers I need all the program love I can get right now. Thank you for letting me share.
Good for you for putting yourself out there again, taking the risk and being open to another relationship. Its back to step 1 where you are powerless over others. I think there is a lot of healthy choices in your post. You chose to not cut yourself off from life and you took the chance at love, you can form healthy relationships, you can let go when the time comes and not cling on to unhealthy relationships. Im sorry its turned out this way, its not your fault. Maybe your higher power is telling you to take time for you and loving you. Dont let the actions of another define your worth.
Jump into your ftf Alanon meets. Keep reaching out for support and give Yourself comfort and love. If i had a new relationship right now my picker Would be so far off the charts. I am not emotionally or spiritually healthy. I keep working on myself but i am a work in progress. I do not plan on Getting into a new relationship for 2-3 years. Then it will be a with a very Healthy non addicted man.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Tuesday 17th of February 2015 08:44:39 AM
-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 17th of February 2015 10:13:55 AM
I'm sorry TG... what a shame this man can tell you he loves you and does a thing like that. This man's interpretation of love is down right wrong and hurtful and I'm happy you are not going to put up with it. If you found him there are more out there deserving of you and your loving heart.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
" It took me awhile to get back to a healthy version of me and I don't want to let him take that away from me"
I'm sorry this happened, but look how you have grown. bad thigns happen all the time, no matter how we try to keep them from happening. The question is what will we do with what we have, and what are our priorities. I think the above quote says it all (plus what Mary wrote above too). You choose recovery. You didn't choose to just ignore the crazy lady, or hope that she went away, you did something about it, adn changed the one person you can change - you.
This to me is excellent self-care! I know it hurts, but when you can care for yourself, you know that pain is inevitable, suffering is optional!
I will always remember and respect the guidance of the program that told me not to make any major decisions especially about relationships for the first two years I was in recovery. I know why that was recommended; because I fouled it and got the consequences and ended up with the same personalities I had always ended up with until I admitted that the only problem was me and I had yet to learn how to correct that problem. I was easily swayed by the women I hooked up with because I wanted to be easily swayed...needy!!...I wanted to believe rather than tell myself "no...not this one". Some of my dysfunctional relationships came with program members and I came to understand my sponsor's question, "So you have a problem with that...where do we all come from"?? That one hurt because it reflected me back on me...My only problem is me and the lessons continued till today. When I forget where I come from it will always seem like home when I come back and then...
Spend the "sad" time looking at the problem and solutions which come from others especially your sponsorship. Listen and Learn is one of our slogans. It is one of my favorites followed then by, "practice, practice, practice". (((((hugs))))) Keep coming back.
This may feel hurtful and a bit confusing right now but that woman showing up could have been a messenger from your hp. You sound like you rationally understand your worth and are working your program. The journey from head to heart at least for myself took longer. At first I believed anyone who seemingly treated me well deserved my allegiance. That was due to the abandonment and ill treatment I'd received from ones who who swore they'd always be there for me and always love me yet broke those promises and left me. Tx ... personally, I don't buy into that thinking that we "attract" these people. I think everyone encounters them. I think I tended to make excuses for them and kept them around too long at the expense of my own well-being.
It takes time to know a person especially ourselves but it's the most rewarding of all our relationships... that and our relationship with our higher power. You have the program and awareness and know what you want and don't want in your life. That's evidence of self love. I'm sorry he disappointed and hurt you but as ever you're loved and supported by those of us in the program. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you all for your kind words. I feel like I need to detach from the situation for right now and reflect on what I need to do next. First things first is to talk with my sponsor and go to a meeting this week. I don't know why people do what they do but every action has a consequence. He has been texting me all day with the all too familiar words my exAH used to tell me everytime I caught him. One thing this relationship taught me was that I could love again and that I am beginning to understand my self worth. I'm sad because I did love him and he treated me so well. But I know this too shall pass. I'm grateful for the program and these boards.
@tiredtonight I know my HP is with me. And that is what I told him. I said I never have to dig or snoop around for information my HP always let's me know the truth at the exact time I'm supposed to know it :)
Tx...I really do understand and get it when you say "he treated me so well" because I also used that justification until the program helped me to see the "whole picture" and then I stopped using it. My alcoholic/addict lied to me, which meant left me without the truth and she used me...those parts of me that supported her wants and needs without "love in return" and what she took really was what she needed to support her...not us. There is no question that you know how to love...now you have to learn how to love yourself just as well including letting go of others who cannot or will not do that themselves. There is nothing you have that will overcome his use of dishonesty. Dishonesty is his tool and the justification for using it is his self centeredness and ego. You do not exist in his self other than for him. I had to learn this sitting in front of all of the ESH I could in face to face meetings until my head started to nod in agreement.
My counselor once asked me "What do you suppose it feels like to be loved by you"? and I broke down and cried (men don't do that) because my alcoholic/addict wife and no one else was there to answer the question.
Love yourself...see what that feels like. (((((hugs)))))
Thx Jerry :) ur words rang true for me. I think I compared him to my exAH who was verbally and physically abusive. This guy wasn't he opened doors held my hand and all the other gentlemanly things. But in the end he turned out to be a cheater . He texted me again saying he loved me and I texted well I loved you too but right now I have to love me more. Theirs nothing to say anymore the damage has been done. I know what I have to do but doing it will be difficult. Thank goodness for the program which is my lifesaver and my safe place to share my feelings. I'm grateful for program.
I am sad for you being hurt like that but am pretty much loudly clapping for the reaction of strength, good boundaries, and self-care. I know that doesn't make the hurt go away but you really shared some awesome ESH without necessarily even knowing it.
I have been cheated on and man it hurts! On the flip side you figured it out relatively quickly and can get back to self care(love) for yourself, I am glad you have boundaries and consequences for them. I let my exAH cheat on me too many times and I stuck around, not never again my heart and trust mean more to me than anyone else that doen't deserve me. I put the work in and spent alone time working out, finding healthy hobbies and I disappeared into al-anon face to face meetings and meeting my sponsor to work through the steps, I came out after that year feeling like I had never felt before! I am so sorry this happened to you and I know there are men who do not cheat, but until I changed the common denominator (me) I kept finding frogs, this program is an inside job and you have come a very long way, keep your chin up! I am sending you much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
