The material presented
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I hear ya. It is incredibly hard to move forward when we feel we are owed an amends we will probably never get. In his mind, he probably has all kinds of justifications and probably believes he is being courageous rather than committing adultery and ducking out of his marriage in a seedy way.
So...the best closure, move on as best you can and make your life awesome! Surround yourself with folks that celebrate you and appreciate you and take comfort that your HP loves you perfectly already so screw your ex...darn it!!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 16th of February 2015 06:53:07 PM
Thank you pink and serenityrus. I know i will never
Get an amends from him unless he really get
Emotionally and spiritually sober.
I just would like some honesty from him mostly
I get spins of the truths. His disease has progressed
And i need to face that and accept it as a fact.
I called him on his disease and not dealing with life
And his problems and issues are about him not me
And never were. I told him Our marriage was over
the day he sold his boat and came ashore 11 years
Ago because of his disease.
I do need to stop trying to engage him it does no good
Especially during the financial stage of the divorce.
We are no further ahead he did not like his
Consequences. No contact generally works best
But snow storms and my work cause some contact.
Take as long as you need. It is a lot to go through. I had to shift a lot of beliefs to get through it. It takes awhile and is a process. Be gentle on yourself.
I hope the 4th and 5th steps bring new awarenesses that help you makes decisions that honor you as a person. As you know, it's a one day at a time program. Please be gentle with yourself. His behavior is his to own. The butterfly is the symbol for growing in Alanon. Wishing you the best on your recovery journey as you spread your wings. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you both. I keep trying to reach out and heal, I Saw my therapist today that went well.
It is very hard not be a wife anymore, it goes against My inner self and needs, it feels very strange and Different. That is where the problem of marital bond comes in the Strength of it inside me. I will keep Trying to purge him from me and my life.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Monday 16th of February 2015 07:53:40 PM
The last few years I have had to learn how to accept the apology I will never get from the people who did me the most harm and that I truly deserve an apology from, without the but's behind them. Most of all in forgiving myself I find I need that apology less, .. would it be nice .. absolutely .. will I get it .. no.
I thought it was my battle to fight .. turns out it really wasn't .. it sure is their karma and thankfully I don't have to participate in it all.
Hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I have forgiven myself and my ah but i still need to
Keep doing it. Holidays bring out my rage and feelings
Of betrayal. Christmas season was off the charts for me.
Then valentine's day that really brought out my rage!
I did not let him enjoy his day with his gf. Do i feel bad?
Not really, am i proud of my motives ?not really but i am
Human and a very hurt and angry wife! Betrayal of trust
And faith is enormous hurdle for me to get past. I keep
Working on my self but all those emotions and feelings
are Bubbling up inside of me.
I do know better than to tangle with the devil but sometimed
Rage and accountability wins. i do look at my motives,
My lawyer probably wont be thrilled with me. My ah and
I have been jabbing at each other lately. It is not helpful
Right now.
Mirandac I know what you mean. I and cry too over holidays. Valentines Day was very painful. I can understand why you ruined it for him. I too would have ruined it for my AH but I was out of town. Forgive yourself. We are only human and I too have a strong desire to be a wife.
I am trying to let him go. It is very difficult. Wish you well. Keep it up.
Keep working that program! It will bring you peace and the answers you need, but they will come in God's time. I have long let go of my marriage bond and my AH, even though I have just moved out last week. It was a process and I really had to work on letting go of expectations, working very hard on acceptance, and trusting that my Higher Power's got my back, so to speak.
As you said, jabbing at each other doesn't help. Can you talk to your sponsor about that and what you can do to not take the bait and respond? He can jab at you all he wants, but you can choose to respond differently or not at all. Hugs to you. It is hard but there is hope!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Yes i have talked it out. Mostly i do not take the bait
Of his many Resentments. There is no point really to
Argue with him because he is totally unremorseful
And that gets me madder.
I think of my ah as an evil monster, i know he is sick
And he is in the midst of his disease. We are at the
Consequence stage and he is not a happy camper
Because that puts the spotlight on him and he does
Not know which way to turn with my good divorce
Lawyer. If it was just him and i he would be wearing
me down to give in to his wishes.
((((M))))...the only consequence of you working this program is that you will get better and will love yourself with it and for it. There is much to change I learned in my journey and all of that was me. I never thought then that I would come to choices of change or not change I never considered and then of course that is recovery is all about...me letting go of the me that wasn't and didn't work and bringing back the me that I lost in the first place. A friend of mine in AA once started a meeting talk with the introduction, "My only problem is me...and my only solution is God" and as profoundly true as the statement was I relaxed completely because I let go of the alcoholics and alcoholic/addicts and other people who I use to think were the cause and justification for how screwed up I was. I was reduced to the number 1...me...yay!! The courage to change the thing I can becomes real courage when the number of things reduces to one. When I was able to admit to myself that "I didn't know anything and that my help came from outside of me" I got humble and teachable. I let go of my alcoholic/addict, the one that I justified for being here and then every other one I might use from my thoughts and language and self focused...I was sick because of my choices...known and unknown and I had to change that or face the permanent solution to a temporary problem. Thank you for being allowed inside of your journey and to listen to your experiences because that mentors my own recovery. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you gerry for your wisdom. Most of my resistance
Probably comes from my childhood and thats why i plan
On working step 4 Because i feel at a standstill with my
Recovery. My marital bond is very strong his completely
Severed. That makes for an uneven playing field.
I want to will him out. Stop my pain and hurt. God does
Not seem willing to take him from me. i do have very
High hopes for step four.
Actually i am doing well in my recovery work its more
The grieving and marital issues are giving me trouble.
I know its all a process and it takes time and to be gentle
With myself. I hope I will have a big sigh of relief when
The divorce is final!
We will be gentle with you and we will remember what it was like also and be grateful. I just copied a saying from our reader, From Survival to Recovery" that told me God's will will never take me to where God's love can never reach me. That is pinned up on my wall right now and the first thing I see when I rise from sleep and after telling my HP..."Place me where you want me...tell me what to do".
From another angle and maybe for you not to focus on so much today let me relate to you just a bit of wisdom from the other room (I am double) which was a promise to me if I worked my recovery (both) as suggested. It evolves from the inventory commitment and afterward which tells me "We will not regret the past ...or wish to close the door on it" and while at first in Al-Anon alone I cringed and turned from that idea it was because of learning from the past and exercising forgiveness, including of myself and being able to allow myself mercy and grace and compassion and empathy that I was able to take the door off of the room that was once named "the past". I have nothing to fear from it any longer. There is nothing there that can hurt me still or incite me to relapse.
It will come I wish it for all of us. (((((hugs)))))
Mirandac - I so relate to your story. I cannot imagine almost thirty years, as I can't seem to shake any part of my 6.5 years. I know what you mean re trying to wish him out of your heart and soul (and in my case - mind). You are not alone. Your strength inspires me.
OMG! I could have written what you wrote!! AH, sober for almost 3 years....lots of AA--it took him about a month to work all the steps. Some kind of record!! He is still a child, like 12 years old. I too need some closure. We have been married almost 30 years. Have 3 fabulous kids but I have been unhappy for so long and want OUT! Most of the time I feel so badly for him. He is suffering so. But I am tired of being around his misery. I am too co-dependent to watch it anymore....to get sucked into that vortex. Sometimes I am just angry. Angry at myself for still being here and angry at him for not acknowledging his pain, where his pain comes from and dealing with it. I have prayed for acceptance, me to accept him as he IS and for him to accept his defects. How long should I have to wait? I'm DONE. Seriously starting my plans to leave tomorrow. Whew. I feel better already. Thanks for letting me vent. Prayers to you to find your closure too!!
I know what you are going through, my AW of 23 years left me 2 months ago for someone she met in rehab.
It just sucks. There is no way around it. If you are like me, you feel that you invested so much into your relationship. You did more and put up with more than most anyone would ever tolerate. You stuck by him and he cast you aside.
Why? There is no why. There is no answer. There just is. There is disease. This is the hardest part, and I am just learning it.
I know people say, "Let go", "Focus on you". We'll, I understand that a big part of you was him. Same for me. Nearly every memory I have, has her in it. Yet she can easily amputate any emotions that she had for me. It isn't fair. It probably never will be.
I don't have the answer on how you focus on you and you alone. I can tell you that in the last month I have begun to see the difference between the truth and what I thought was the truth, what the difference between fear and love is, and what I know I have to do ( even though I don't know how to do it). It will come slowly. It's hard but necessary. You have to know that this is not your fault. It doesn't have to define you.
35 years is a long time (probably felt like a lifetime). It will take a long time to recover. You are not alone. There are many of us on the same path. Just keep moving .
Every morning I fight. The days I have left, will be my days (months, years). Tell yourself this everyday. You will put in the work, because you know you deserve better.
I really do wish you the best. You will get through this. People like us have been through hell, we have the strength to get through anything.
I can hear you grow Joe...and that for me only comes from working it. This works when you work it...good on you and thanks for bringing it back home. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for your support. I am going thru a rough Spell with ongoing rage and emotions all over the place Those two things have a tendency to run together.
I am still grieving and doing recovery work at the same Time. I Am facing my truths and walking thru my pain and hurt. It has not been an easy journey.
When i had the focus on my dry drunk in his recovery it Did me no good. It only made me more unhappy if That was possible. My ah behaved very badly when He started AA then he really got in touch with his feelings and he did not like me much. I was The cause of all his unhappiness. Even before I met Him, i was to blame for his childhood issues also
-- Edited by Mirandac on Monday 23rd of February 2015 12:46:42 AM
Just a bit more of an add from me M...Closure for me meant a lot of acceptance. I became aware that as long as I had memory there would never be a divorce and once I came to that awareness I learned from my sponsor and the program to add gratitude to those memories. We did have good times and we did have rough times and the disease breaks and ends people, places and things during its journey and today I can smile and laugh at the positive and good stuff and at the same time wish that no one including myself ever have to go thru the dread of our disease again. Keep on keeping on...in support. ((((hugs))))
I've found that getting closure has felt a bit like redefining who I am at times - so many things that I thought were like 'this' and they turned out to be 'that'. I could drive myself nuts with it. What works best for me is to fill my life and mind with other, wonderful, things as much as possible. When it is going well I wake up in the morning and think of something new and inspiring instead of stuff that drains me. I also like the suggestion to celebrate the good bits of our marriage - there really were good things that AH and I shared as well. The lessons that I have been learning the past few years are tough, I would have liked to have skipped that school, but I do get a sense that I am graduating as a better individual. I can be grateful for the tools that I've picked up that will, I think, help me to contribute and also get the most back from my future.
I will hopefully remember the good and happy years we
Had together. His disease was starting to create some real
Problems in the foundation of our marriage. We lived a
Fairly normal life kept the bad guys and addicts away.
Paid attention to business and to our life.We had fun
And lived a good life.
It was not perfect But it all worked for 18 years then bam
it was over as i knew it. King Baby came ashore life was
never the same with the addict Running the show. The
addict is not someone I like or Want in my life. He is still
alive and kicking even going To AA, AA did not do much good.
Actually it got much worse for me then the emotional and
verbal abuse really came out when he was trying to face
His emotions and feelings also he started chasing women.
I will get my own closure eventually when i feel at peace
Within myself. I keep doing the next best thing, trusting
God, and moving thru the pain,hurt and rejection.Facing
Myself, my truths and doing my recovery journey.
Hi. I have found that time helps. I still get very sad over having two divorces but I know I tried everything I could to save my marriages and nothing worked. I try to focus on myself and I know I am worthy of love. I know its hard.
TT