Hey there Sweet Potato...Welcome to MIP.

I truly don't think any of those responses you wrote are wrong per say. It's not about doing things differently FOR HIM. It is about doing things differently for YOU. So which response is going to allow you to keep your serenity and not flip out, try to control, fix, and make HIM the center of all this? Which response makes sense to you spiritually? Which response has you being true to yourself without throwing away your peace of mind?

You are never going to say the right thing or act the right way for him and his addiction. Alanon and strategies like detachment and nonenabling are really for you and may have zero effect on his addiction. Others find that saying anything at all is almost the same as the alcoholic having "just a couple drinks" because they will slip right back into full on craziness trying to control and fix the addiction. For me, I would have to call a spade a spade because it is my personal boundary FOR ME that I'm just gonna tell it like I see it without totally losing my cool and without degrading the addict/alcoholic. So for me, a response like "You can fool yourself that you can drink and use recreationally, but you can't fool me. Addiction doesn't work that way. It does not sound like you are taking much ownership over your relapse"...that is an authentic, truthful, and caring response for me and I think it's okay for me, but only because I can say it ONE time and then I will detach after saying it. The alcoholic/addict may benefit NOTHING from the response. Or they might but only God is really in control of when the alcoholic/addict will finally see the light. They may think I'm being a jerk, that I don't understand,...blah blah blah. Not my problem.

So again, there are no "mistakes" really. Yeah, swooping in and cleaning up his mess....totally enabling...that might now be looked at as a mistake because you have tried it now and it clearly didn't work and it drove you nuts. I don't really even look at enabling as "a mistake" when families do it. They only do it because they don't know better and caretaking would be the normal response for just about any other sickness or disease. So one of the sayings in Alanon that comes most to mind is this: "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." The other one is THINK: Is what you are going to say Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind? Those are good rules of thumb/guides for communicating with an addict but also just in general.

Just an aside: In my experience (I am in recovery from alcoholism and in AA as well as participating here) - An addict/alcoholic can sometimes hide their use/drinking, but it's harder for them to hide being in recovery or not...especially in the early phases. If a newly recovering person is not going to lots of meetings (daily for a good while), talking to their sponsor, working the steps, and plunging into recovery, it is my experience that they are already relapsed or are heading for a relapse.