The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, last week I went to my appointment with the homeless team and they wrote a very stern letter to the LL pointing out that his illegal eviction/harassment could land him in big trouble and he needed to start correct lawful procedures if he wanted to see me out of his property. If I come to the end of the legal eviction procedure still at his property with no place to go, the housing team will re-home me and the LL can lawfully have his property back.
Well, this eased a lot of my stress. I am still not completely happy, not feeling comfortable or at home and looking forward to start a new chapter somewhere else but all I can do is wait, trust my HP and wait. Part of the correct procedures is that the LL has to return my deposit in full before start legal eviction. This + yet another promotion at work, is making my bank account super healthy. I have never had so much money of my own at one time sitting there at my acc just waiting to be spent. But I still will not be accepted in any private rental because part of this money comes from social security and the LL won't touch single moms on social security with a barge pole. Even though I can prove I am the perfect tenant, they don't care.
At my job things are going great but I feel a total failure and I am not sure why. I think it is my self esteem sinking again. I received yet another promotion (have lost count now) and I reached now the ultimate goal since I applied to the job last March to start September 2014. Many people who were/are long standing employees and also parents of kids in that school started as volunteers and worked for free for years before taking a paid position and waited even more years before promotion, title etc...For me this all rocketed very fast and they would be just crazy to promote me one more time without sending me on a course or another qualification. I am now even relieved they can't approach me and promote me again which I know sounds bonkers but I just feel like a complete farce and when I let my mind take me to crazy alleys, I just start waiting for them to realise they have made a mistake and fire me..I am more paranoid then ever.
As it is, the more I interact with some members of the staff the more disappointed I feel. To me, they are in a completely wrong career and it makes me very wary of having anything to do with them a part form a strictly professional relationship. But who Am I to say I won't be acting the same a few years down the line? Who Am I to say I wouldn't act even worse if I was not in recovery? Who Am I to judge? But anyway, the more I work with the adults the more I love the kids and it must be this love that is shining through and making me be so successful at work right now. I wish I knew how to apply the same love to myself.
I have had my last day at my course yesterday and I was really disappointed with myself and must stop beating myself up. I had planned to totally finish the course and sign off all of my assignments yesterday (one month earlier then the official signing off day) but I couldn't. It turned out I had to fix a few things on some of my assignments and I have totally overlook 3 very easy pieces of work. I was gutted. I fixed my assignments and finished one piece of work yesterday morning at class and then went home and finished the other two and sent to my tutor straight away. It should be fine and I should be done now. And it is ok, some other people are incredibly behind and will have to re-do whole units or even start units that should be ready long ago. I am totally fine and within the deadline, my tutors say, but I can't stop giving myself a hard time...I keep reminding myself that my life with exAH was hell in the two years I was doing the course and now at the very end I was dealing with separation, daughter's emotional issues and illegal eviction/harassment from my LL. Also my tutor had problems of her own and was two months late on giving me feedback which made me slow down since I could not carry on or fix stuff without her feedback. It is all done now and I just need to go back in class in one month time to sign all my work off and get my diploma (unless my tutor find more issues with my work during this month which I will just need to fix) so I should be happy and felling accomplished, I just can't.
Anyway, this week is school holidays over here and I will try and gather some energy to do some shopping therapy. It came to a point when my daughter has only 2 outfits a part from her school uniforms and I have to wash my clothes everyday otherwise I have no clothes to go to work. I am mastering the art of being simple and frugal but I don't want to take it to the extreme. I think I need to treat myself a little bit (yes maybe I am asking for permission).
Sad to know that a few won't be replying to me, it will be so weird coming back and not seeing their names and avatars....but to whoever is still out there, thanks for listening anyway. I have been away for quite some time, spending too much time on a Landlording forum LOL.
-- Edited by Luiza on Sunday 15th of February 2015 12:21:21 PM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Sounds like things are going well, yet you are sabotaging yourself into making sure you fail? I am very familiar with that, I do it all the time. Sometimes gratitude lists help, but I am more of a fan of inventorying. What could possibly make me feel like a failure when I am clearly succeeding? Oftentimes it is an obsolete behavior from childhood that I have to start learning to correct. Becoming conscious of those things is the first step.
I wish I could tell you that that has fixed me, but I am still working through it. I do have complete confidence that i am making steps forward one day at a time.Now that you aren't simply living a survival life and dodging As bullets, maybe you can work through it with a sponsor.
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Monday 16th of February 2015 08:11:31 AM
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Monday 16th of February 2015 08:12:05 AM
How can you possibly relax and soak up serenity when your housing situation has you nervous as a nine-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs? Seriously though, in the hierarchy of needs, the first tier, bottom row, are life's basics - food, safe shelter, warmth etc. only when we are secure in the bottom tier can we begin to rise to the next level. Maybe your fears about work and being "found out" as a fraud threaten you at the lowest basic needs level of life. I've been there, getting through each day wondering when the next shoe is going to drop, when the next bad thing is going to happen, cringing as I open my mailbox not knowing if another financial disaster surprise is waiting inside. I trudged along for quite a while getting through each day, faking it sometimes and in the process I handled what was expected of me, kept my jobs despite my fears and feelings of inadequacy and I'm still going forward. One day at a time, one minute, one step; picking myself back up after each fall and taking the first step back again. Sounds like your job likes you, let them help be the judge of how good you are when you are doubting yourself.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hugs Luiza, I understand how frustrating it is watching my income just get shot down and not feel like there is a reprieve. DO take care of you and keep doing the next right thing. Some days I have to just give it all over to my HP and say ok .. I can't do this you are going to have to work it out. I have done what I need to do and that's all I can do.
Keep coming back and keep posting getting the garbage out for me is 1/2 the battle.
I know that when I look back in terms of 3 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months ago .. I feel sooo much better about where I am at vs where I was.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Luiza you are still grieving and have many irons in the fire
Be gentle with yourself as possible. Once your living arrangements
Are completed you will be more settled in your head and life.
I know i am now in limbo land with my divirce it is a terrible feeling
Of being unsettled, i am a plain simple person that likes structure
And knowing where my life is going it is very unsettling. Hugs to you!
You are doing great!
Luiza, to read your posts since you came here show you as a remarkable woman. You seemed to have grasped this program so quickly, making changes almost right away. Improving the life of you and your daughter from the very beginning. I think these changes can leave us with some inner issues like low self esteem, self doubt. For me, making the big important changes was easier than dealing with the more persistent inner quieter goings on. I think the steps have the answers, the working them thoroughly regularly, although im pretty poor at this.
You should be so proud of yourself, your free, you pushed through the fears and doubts, you did the next right thing and its just a matter of keeping on with your program work i think. I work with young people and i feel the same as you, they are easy to love or easier than adults at times.x
Luiza i agree with elcee you are doing great. Think back how bad
Your life was with your ah and where you are now. Your Hp is holding
Your hand helping you get thru this. I have plenty of self doubt but
Keep reaching out for love and support of good people. Staying
Away from negative and bad people as much as possible. They only
Bring you down, they do not prop you up.
Be as kind and as gentle as you can with yourself. You had been
Traumatized by your ah. You need to heal the inside of You,
it all takes time. I have found in grieving and revovery many
Of my truths but i still need to process them and let them go as i
Can. It is a very painful journey to self acceptance and self love.
You are doing great ! Keep embracing alanon it will get you thru
It! Keep reaching out for support!
Luiza promotions, things working out with the LL so that you get your money back and having some money to spend right now are all things to add to your gratitude list. I am unsure why you don't let yourself stop and celebrate how far you have come, but we all see it and are glad you are here. Don't forget to stop and find enjoyment in the little things. Al-anon face to face, readings and my sponsor always helped me get out of my own way in my head and coming here to vent. I am glad you keep coming back. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
