The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just wanted to say thank you for being here. I feel like I have nowhere to turn and no one to express myself to at this hour ... or in general.
Tonight, my wife was on her way to pick me up from work, and was in a car accident. Thank goodness she didn't hurt anyone. She did take out a rather large lamp post, from what I understand. I wondered what was taking her so long to pick me up today, and I called her, but she didn't answer the phone. Eventually I got a call from a police officer and he let me know that she was in the emergency room, and that I should come down when I was able. I couldn't speak to her when I arrived. The doctors found some internal bleeding, so she has to stay at least overnight. I called some really great friends who not only brought me dinner and sat with me, but also drove me an hour home at midnight, when she was finally admitted, and then turned around to drive another hour back home. She wanted me to stay with her in the hospital, but we have dogs at home, and I needed to take care of them. Once they were all set for the night, I wandered around the house for a while. It felt so empty. I lost my first wife to cancer, and the empty feels different this time. This empty feels like, I don't know. A release? A Relief? I didn't know what to do with myself. Can't sleep, even though I should be exhausted. I stumbled upon your page, and read the "Detach with love" post in the 12-step forum. It really resounded with me. I have been trying to shelter and protect her since her last DUI (her second, I was abroad at the time and came home to deal with the aftermath). I have done everything in my power to eliminate stress from her life. I have tried to empower her to seek help. But, the thing I finally realized, around 1 am tonight, is that I can beg her to get help. I can support her, I can take care of her, I can allow her to not work and instead work 2 jobs myself. But I cannot make her go to her appointments and I cannot make her get help. I cannot make her stop her drinking, and I cannot make her moderate the drinking. When she got her last DUI, our relationship was new. I had monetary resources from my deceased wife, and I used them to hire an attorney and do everything I could to help her move forward in her life. I think now, that was the wrong thing to do. We have had several different spirals with alcohol since then, and nothing I say or do makes a difference. I was even at the point of asking my parents to help me move out, and the effect of that lasted only 6 months. It probably would have been better if I had let her deal with the consequences of her actions last time. Maybe then I would not be in my current position - a grad student and the only wage earner in the house. working a full-time and a part-time job while I try to wrap up my degree. We should have been at the mobile food pantry tonight, because you don't have to show ID there, and since I live just over the county line, I cannot access any food pantry resources where I work, and the resources where I live are all closed when I am done with my commute. Our car, a 1999, which just had $5000 of repairs put into it, is totaled. I haven't seen it, but the officers assure me that I should get my stuff out of it, and let the insurance company deal with the rest. I am SO thankful that we have insurance right now. Sometimes we cannot afford it. Tomorrow, I will be trying to get the break lights working in my 1994 truck, because I have to rely on that vehicle until my dad is able to finish the repair on my 2000 Taurus. It needed a new timing belt, and since I moved for grad school, that car is over 8 hours drive away from me. And, I am thankful that my dad can fix cars, and that he taught me how to do the same, and I am thankful that I will have the ability to get to work again soon. And, I am REALLY thankful that you created this forum and make it available at all hours, because I needed to feel like I wasn't alone tonight.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Welcome Skorpi...sounds like you've been through an ordeal. I think you will find more support in alanon however you can fit it in with all your other responsibilities. I like your awareness about being powerless over her drinking.
As a recovering alcoholic, I never drank because life was too stressful. I drank because I lacked coping skills to deal with life. I drank for all sorts of reasons and there was no way to stop me until I felt like I was going to lose everything I cared about and then lose myself as well. And even then, I think I was one of the lucky ones to find recovery and really stick to it. In my mind at the time, I probably did drink because I thought work was stressful. BUT, if I had no job, then I would have drank because of feeling useless, being bored, and having too much time on my hands. So...like you said, no win situation...powerless. For me, it took a complete overhaul of the way I viewed life in order to grow up, be responsible, and recover. For years prior to that, my mentality was to suffer through life, complain about everything, see the slightest problems as major obstacles, and then I would drink to check out of this intolerable world I created in my own mind. Then, due to checking out so much, I lost more coping skills and my world did get darker and more isolated...so I felt the need to check out even more and it was a horrible vicious circle which I now know is the basic progression and trap of alcoholism. My way of thinking and viewing things was so twisted. THAT was the problem...my busted thinking (and it remains to be my biggest problem even in recovery). So yes...you are powerless since you can't fix someone's thinking or way of viewing life...It takes some type of spiritual awakening and a level of surrender that no human being can inspire in another.
I can understand you just feeling "done" and very tired of having to be the strong one and the caretaker...You deserve support and, if you are going to married, a partner that pulls their own weight in the relationship and in the life you build together. Coming here was a good step. You are not alone. Alanon is the best place for you to get support and understanding right now because it sounds like your wife just isn't able to do it right now....at least not in regard to her own alcoholism. We are here for you.
You will find a lot of support and understanding here and at Alanon meetings. It is always helpful to hear the perspective of recovering As in my opinion--so thank you to pink chip again....I have a friend active in AA who will sometimes say--you won't totally understand because you are not an alcoholic. That is making more sense to me the farther away I get from trying to fix the As in my life! It is difficult to understand the thinking process for As and addicts but those of us in Alanon have often spent a ton of time doing just that!
Wishing you lots of strength and support. You came to the right place and are not alone.
Skorpi you have a lot going on. Its wonderful your family is being supportive.
This is a tough situation to deal with, Face to face alanon meetings would
Really help you. You are going to need to learn the tools of alanon for
Yourself not your spouse. Loving detachment and boundary setting are
Big ones to learn?
Hang in there you can only help yourself not your wife. She needs to
help herself with her own program but you can not force that. Take
Care of you! This is a me program! Our emotional and spiritual health
And well being In spite of the alcoholic. We learn to love and care for
Ourselves. You lose yourself loving an alcoholic to their problems and
Needs.
Like the others said you have come to the right place. MIP is a big part of my recovery and I know I will never be alone in my understanding of myself and why for so many years of worry and fear and trying to save my son I finally had to let go and take care of me. He also got his third DUI which put him in prison for 2 years and I didn't do one thing to help him lessen the pain he had to go through. I only pray he will come out understanding what his drinking has done to him. How much he has lost in his life and if he will be able to get it back again. He is your age so he has a good life ahead of him if he wants it....but as you know now...only he can decide that....not me or anyone else in this world can do it for him.
Take care and keep coming back....we are here my friend for you ((( HUGS )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
You've come very close to writing my story on here! My wife also got her 2nd DUI while I was on a business trip in Canada. Couldn't get back for 5 days after it happened. She had already been to one inpatient center, with seemingly good results, but they didn't last and she got two DUIs. Bills were huge. I am fortunate in that I have a good job, so not in quite the straits you are, but watching the great bonus I got get transferred straight to an attorney was pretty disappointing. Not to mention that insurance is now $1900 /year due to her numerous small wrecks than DUIs.
Once she finally decided she was going to lose it all she gave in and turned herself completely in to AA and her 2nd rehab. And has now been sober for over a year.
Meanwhile I got into Alanon, and discovered, as you are discovering, that the only thing that can change the problem is between two sets of ears. Her brain had to surrender, but so did mine. Why did my brain have to surrender? I had been using all kinds of poor coping techniques, both to cope with her drinking and just life in general. I slowly found, through lots of meetings and posting here, that I could replace those coping techniques with means to address life on life's terms. This is one of the promises of Alanon.
You now have figured out our first step, to discover that we are powerless over alcohol. Now you can find out what you actually *do* have power over - you! You can't stop your wife's drinking, but you can do something about you!
Keep coming back here and if you possibly can, go find an Al Anon face to face meeting. We also have online meetings here twice a day if you can't get to an f2f meeting.
Thanks, everyone.
I have been back to the site frequently since I first posted, and I am noticing a difference for myself already. I think it is so easy for me to get pulled back into the old muck, habits are difficult to change. Taking time to check in for me has helped me to remember that I am not alone, and that I do not have to let my life be dictated by my wife and her alcoholism.
I saw the car she was driving yesterday. It was a 16 year old car, and her airbag did not go off. She was released from the hospital, and insisted she HAD to get her CDs from the car on our way home. (We live an hour away, but I make that commute each day for work.) I needed to drop off insurance info anyway, and so I stopped to see if the yard was open. It was. I drove around a few times, and could not find the car. One of the employees finally helped me to locate it. He said "I think this one here might be an Acura" It was so beat up, that I couldn't recognize the make of the car at all. She must have hit that pole going incredibly fast, the front end was smashed in. It also looked as if she was aiming for the pole, the crease in the front was in the exact middle of the car. I emptied out the passenger portion of the car, but we could not get the trunk to open. I will have to go back for that, also because when I called our insurance company, I discovered that we don't have comprehensive coverage on the car, so we didn't need to file an insurance claim, as we would get nothing for it.
Several silver linings here: My wife walked away from that accident. She is sore and many shades of purple, but she can walk and has no cognition issues that could be detected at the hospital. She didn't hurt anyone else. She didn't kill anyone else. She didn't cause damage to anything but her car and a city pole. I no longer have to worry about her driving, as her license has been suspended. My insurance bill should not go up because I don't have to file a claim and will be insuring 2 old vehicles instead of three. I no longer need to take the Acura to get an oil change. My dad and I do not need to work on the ignition switch in the Acura. (The Acura started irregularly and unreliably. I no longer have to wonder if the car will start when I am an hour away from home.) After grumbling about unhelpful people at the auto parts store, I managed to take my taillight assembly apart on my truck and after more grumbling, figured out how to replace the break lights, which means that I can drive my truck safely when it is light out now, and can still get myself to work! And, I got a call late last night from the arresting officer. He wanted to ask if everyone was ok, and he hoped that we all were. I thought that was a very nice gesture.
I need to rearrange my work schedule so I can attend a face-to-face meeting. They are once a week where I live. I am very thankful that you are here in the mean time, and more than one day a week.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Glad you are here and choosing help for yourself. I live in a small town and reading about one meeting a week we have 5. I supplement my Alanon with an open AA meeting. There are also podcasts to listen to .. For me the voices make the mental connection I call the AA meeting I attend my compassion fuel .. It's been voted on and I just do not look good in prison Orange lol. Alanon is my detachment fuel. I have to have both sides balanced or my brain starts trying to rationalize with the disease.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Boy Skorpi, you sure have the right attitude and gratefullness! I sure hope you get to those meetings they ARE worth it.
You will probably have to immerse yourself in Alanon on a day to day basis since your wife can't drive and she may be asking you to pick up liquor or take her to the store, a tough one to get through....but you can do this, we are all rooting for you!!
If you haven't learned how to set boundarys now would be a good time....one day at a time with serenity is a goal linsc
