The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In August I let my 16 year olds best friend move in with us so she could go to a bigger high school with my kid. So 6 months later I am having issues with her that I haven't had with my kids. She is sneaky and causing a rift between my oldest and I. I find her to be a lot like my exAH, manipulative and behind the scenes, I am getting mad because my home should be my sanctuary, it took a lot for me to leave my exAh and start over and now inviting this 17 year old into my home is messing it up for me. She was adopted from a bad childhood when she was very young and adopted into her family's home that used to be our old neighbor. After we moved she would come visit us occasionally and it always went well. The girls wanted to be able to take honors classes together so I let them talk me into it. I am regretting it a lot now and find her to be very codependent on my oldest and see changes already happening that are not good. It's like I brought a disease back into my house in this teenage girl. Every time I try to talk to her about stuff she shuts down and won't be upfront with me. She hides and is mousy. I feel like a monster in my home, like she has to avoid me for crying out loud, I am not mean to her, but she is obviously feeling like a scared victim because I told her she needs to talk to me in my home, but she still just avoids me. I am tired of this and the school year isn't over until June. I know she has issues from her past and I am trying to keep that in mind, because she was abandoned and neglected early in her life and the adopted family that took her in has 6 adopted kids and live in instability. But this is festering in my home and I can't let it go on, but every time I try to communicate it shuts her down further. Please bring me some ESH, I feel like an idiot for letting this happen when I am already struggling to survive in our small apartment with my two kids and to take this on may have been too much, but now here I am with it. Thanks for reading this!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Thursday 12th of February 2015 10:01:21 AM
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I understand :/ This sounds exactly like my sig others son. I used to call him my step son, he's lived with me for five years. I am not closer to knowing him now than I was then. He's shady, reclusive, flat out lies and hes extremely selfish...all the behaviors of the disease without drinking....I have let go and let god in this relationship. My sig other and I have a pretty good relationship these days. I'm not willing to end our relationship because of him...I do a lot of one day at a timing it. Not thinking about when he's moving out...I do my best to have compassion understanding he grew up around active alcoholism for the first twelve years of his life....I also pray. God help me see this in a better way. I keep the focus on me these days and my recovery and not on him at all. I don't question what he's doing and I don't try to understand it. I could spin my mind for days trying to figure him out. I am polite most of the time.. greeting him but keeping it light and polite... I may think of something later. I have to work for a while ~ Hugs and prayers you get through these next few months and to summer as serenely as possible.
-- Edited by karma13 on Thursday 12th of February 2015 12:25:11 PM
__________________
I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
It's hard being a teenager. I would imagine that she is stressed and scared, and even more so knowing that you are getting annoyed at her and thinking about having her leave. I know the 'obvious' thing to do would be for her to be more cooperative so you don't want to kick her out, but when people are stressed and scared, they have trouble stepping up to the plate, especially teenagers who don't have many skills and tools for coping. I also know there's that thing where when someone else retreats, we pursue - so they retreat more - so we become more insistent - so they retreat more - so they...
The thing about teenagers is that they are designed to be surly and distant. In the far-distant past, that was the time they needed to become independent, leave their parents' house (or grass hut) and make their own way. The grouchiness and the need for distance helped them detach and helped the parents detach from them. But now life is so complicated that they can't move out until they're done with high school, and if they do, they'll have a very hard and risky time of it. So we're stuck with surly distancing young adults in our homes.
I get where you're coming from because my teenager is definitely doing the silent grouchy thing a lot these days. I got grouchy with him for doing it just yesterday. I guess all of us who are faced with this should think about using the tool, "They're going to do what they're going to do ... what are you going to do?"
You are also wonderful to be taking in a fragile young person who clearly hasn't developed much maturity and who therefore badly needs a healthy family to be with.
I don't really have any ESH for this, sorry, but I wanted to say that Mattie has come up with the best explanation I have ever heard for why teenagers are so grumpy and sullen. My 14 yo boy isn't bad yet, but he's starting to have his moments, hopefully keeping this explanation in mind will help me to get through the next few years!
I just told her I care about her and want her to be here with us, but need her to communicate with me somehow because I don't like how things are changing. She said she didn't like the changes either and will try harder to meet me in communication. So tonight she sent me a long text and opened up finally, so maybe me getting to my wits end with her and finally saying what I needed to say without saying it mean was needed. Thanks all for the ESH!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
BF, she sounds like some of the foster care teen girls I used to work with. You are doing a very kind thing for this girl. It sounds like she has a serious trauma history and even the adopted family is a lot like a group foster home....Hence, the girl has trust issues with adults and communication problems. Like some PTSD and reactive attachment disorder symptoms. The foster kids I worked with were usually secretive, dishonest, and sneaky. They never learned to truly care about their parents (due to their histories) but they did learn that they don't like punishment so...
You are doing an awesome thing modeling caring and normal communication within a family for her.
I second what Mark said - whata you are doing is awesome, it's hard at times, and maybe you feel a little taken advantage of, but in the long run it likely will make a huge difference in this girl's life.
