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Hi I've read these boards for quite a long time and taken a lot of advice and comfort from them. I have been married to my husband 28 years and he was always a big social drinker, leaving me home with 4 kids at weekends, staying out till 4am etc etc., causing the usual rows and problems you would expect. About 7 years ago his drinking got more unusual, drinking 3 bottles of wine 4 or 5 times a week at home and not going out..this carried on for a long time but did settle down..I was by now over the shouting and screaming phase with him and knew better than to even bother trying to tell him how I felt when he was drunk. When I could make him understand he would take it on board but slowly get back into the same old routine. Over the last 2 years he cut down to 2 bottles around 3 times a week but the new problem over the last 6 months being he is clearly on occasion still drunk in the mornings..I couldn't work it out for the life of me and just thought his liver was not processing the alcohol quickly enough.. but of course you all probably know what I am going to say...I am now finding bottles of vodka hidden round the house which he is obviously drinking in the mornings and today I found one in his desk at work after he came home clearly having had a drink. unfortunately for him after 28 years living with him he only has to have one drink and I can tell. I have forgiven some pretty despicable behaviour over the years to the point where I could detach myself from the situation and treat the drunk him differently from the sober him who is a lovely person to be around. However the secret vodka drinking is clearly an escalation, today when I told him I knew he'd drunk vodka he said he hated me and it All my fault. I don't take it to heart but wonder how much longer I should carry on. I've detached from the situation so much due to all the hurt he has caused me in the past that when he is sober I can't really engage him anymore as I know it's just a few days before he is drinking again. I actually feel numb to it. It has clearly effected me and my children although we cope very well and are very close...I don't really know what point I am trying to make I wish he would understand and accept he is causing this breakdown and I wish he would accept responsibility for his deeply painful behaviour in the past but I know at this point in time he won't. I know I can't help him either..
Hello Andy - I'm glad you made yourself known! Have you had a chance to search out face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area? I really liked that, after discovering Al-Anon for myself, the program encourages giving the program and yourself time before making any life altering decisions. Welcome to the board!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Just went to let you know you are very welcome here. Like we say we will live you no matter what. No matter your situation. I have been on here whether my Ah is drinking or not. Today he is sober one day at a time. My step dad hid his whiskey bottles before he passed away. He died mostly because he was an alcoholic. More than that though. He had thought he had my mom snowed. She knew what was going on but was in denial. I am not taking my mom's inventory just using her as an example of what alcoholics are.
Aloha Andy and welcome also from Hawaii. Seems like you have the detachment with indifference step down. For me that detachment came with the attitude of "oh well" and "I can't be bothered". When I got to the detachment with love then I felt good and great about my life and who I was. I realized and accepted that my alcoholic/addict with was a person with a fatal, progressive incurable disease and not the "bad" person I kept labeling her as. Al-Anon taught me that I wouldn't hate or despise her if she had cancer which is another life threatening disease. I hope you get your good feelings back cause feeling good is one part of our recovery.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If not arrested by total abstinence it will get worse. You can choose not to have it get worse for you by allowing him to own all of the consequences of his drinking. Its not yours to own and expecting him not to be alcoholic isn't same as sanity.
Hi there and welcome! I am glad you found us at MIP and I hope you can find some face to face al-anon meetings as well as keep coming back here. Al-anon has saved my sanity and taught me so many nice ways to live without all the misery. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very enlightening for me also. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm new here so don't have a lot of wisdom to offer yet, but I wanted to let you know that I very much relate to your situation. I know the pain, confusion, anxiety, desperation, etc... my point is that you're not alone. Wishing good things for you.
