The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Simply put: why I am still here? I was lost awhile ago. I wasn't sleeping well. I wasn't miserable. I still had a positive state of mind. I was able to go anywhere & do anything. I am a work in progress. You all know my story. I know that over 29 years ago in 1986 I found this program. I wasn't ready at the time so a few mos. later I came back. Since then I have had ups & downs. Don't we all? I have been on this site since 2007. I have been through the ringer & have been wet, dried & started to recover. I haven't been too keen on posting w/ others posts. I still have moments where I don't feel worthy or intelligent enough to have anything to offer. Latest news: I do! I haven't forgotten where I came from & don't want to go back. I have slipped & relapsed. In the case of the 29 years, I am only still an newcomer. I haven't been able to get past the 1st step at times & don't always understand what detachment is but I know what denial is & I have been there w/ a lot of alcoholics. As you know, my AH has been acting different lately. I think he is at the point though, that he still thinks I am the best thing that happened to him & that I am a keeper. We are always, I think, going to have moments where after 15 years & one separation, disagreements arguments, whatever he calls them these days!
Why am I still here? For all of you who log on or are at your first meeting or even if you are an old-timer or somewhere in between. Whether you found a HP or not, you have a place in this program. I have been struggling for many years. In & out of the program. I have attended too many meetings to count. I have struggled w/ tradition two: Our leaders are but trusted servants they do not govern. I have checked lately & figured out I am not a governor & I want to be trusted to be a part of this wonderful community.
There are no musts in Al anon. We give suggestions; not advice. The only one who can really give me what I need is my HP & my trusted sponsor. She give me answers to my questions to the best of her ability. There again, I have stepped on someone's toes. I really mean that I can get only when I give. You all know that I value the suggestions & comments that you have given me. I really want to stay on here because I can't seem to stay away. I am like a bad penny, I keep coming back. I want what you have & are willing to go to any lengths to get it. I am not ashamed to admit that I am not 29 years of good recovery. My Al anon anniversary was 1/4/86. I didn't bring it up then because I felt like I wanted to be humble. Someone mentioned recently that they had an anniversary.
Only a little while ago I discovered that the older I get in Al anon & life that I know less than I think I do. I don't have a really good vocabulary put I have a really good memory. That is why I remember what I was told way back then. I don't have it all but I have more than I ever had. I think it really is some serenity.
So, my ego has to be smashed. I have to let go & let my HP take over. All I can do is the footwork.
I don't plan on posting so much but I will say something now & then so you know I am still here. I just need to be reminded sometimes that I matter. I know I do but I doubt myself too much.
Sorry so long-winded. I felt like sharing my ESH.
I will see you all later. The journey is beginning again.
Thank you for this hoot. I really like how you can accept yourself and your recovery. Your an excellent example to me of how to work this program. I hope you dont stay away too long if you must go.x
Great Post Kath...loved it especially the reminder of the memory tool which I also have. Having memory of recovery is a special blessing from HP cause I get to carry the lessons from way back when up to the present day. I don't need to know it all because I am not alone and just one member of this world-wide fellowship who can and has leaned upon the fellowship for its ESH. All I gotta do is "walk it". ((((hugs))))
Hello, this is my first time in an alanon chat in too many years. I have 17 years in recovery (aa/na) which started with alanon meetings. I thought my estranged husband (divorced long time ago) was the problem but the more meetings I attended, the more I realized I was the problem. I started attending na/aa meetings after I awoke from a binge praying "God help me, I can't live like this anymore". I had hit bottom. immediately after the prayer, my neighbor started blasting her radio...the song was "Stomp" by God's Property: Lately, I've been going through some things that's really got me down, I need someone, somebody, to help me come and turn my life around.I can't explain it. I can't obtain it. Jesus, your love is so, it's so amazing. It gets me high, up to the sky. And when I think about your goodness, it makes me want to STOMP. The lyrics made me feel like God actually heard me and was telling me he would help me through. I went to my first AA meeting that night and I have been clean/sober and mostly serene every since. So, why am I here? I met a man in the group. He was celebrating his 1 year (I had only 3 months) and we hit it off. We have been together (living separately) this whole time. He re-injured his back and started taking pain pills (his drug of choice). The past few months have spiraled; he went into rehab for a 28 day stay and is now out (3 days) attending meetings. I turn to you because I don't really know my place in this relationship anymore. He seems to think it is all the same but it isn't. I have fear, insecurity, doubt, and confusion on whether I should be the "old" me or if change is needed. I have had enough of the program that I have knowledge and emotion at a tug of war. I want to be there for him but I think maybe I should be putting distance between us. The relationship needs repair but right now, I think, he needs to focus on his recovery. He is still in pain, the doctor said he always will be. that is part of the fear. I don't want to go through this again. wow, can you tell I have had no one to discuss this with? Thanks for letting me regurgitate. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I want to share with you that for me when I realized that even if my ex A Boyfriend of many years got sober he would still need a lifetime of counseling to overcome all he was struggling with it helped me see if I wanted a happy life I needed to be out of that relationship all together.
For me I needed to just accept that he was gonna be who he was and I didn't really want that in my life.
Now many years later:
I suppose he still the same, I don't know and I avoid ways to find out because it was a long painful road to get here and no matter how he is or is not doing I don't want to open myself up to any possible pain. I also try to avoid other people with similar issues in my life in general I just don't want the pain caring too much for them involves. I now no longer feel that overwhelming pull to help or "be there for him" I am just really glad I only have my own issues to think about and I had spent a lifetime dwelling on others issues and the "right" thing to do to "help" others. THAT was my problem MY focus on others issues my problem was not him.
As I look around the world I notice people who appear happy and at peace in life do not worry too much about others issues. I also notice that the people who do seem happy in relationships would have just not gone on a second or definitely not a third date with someone who showed his issues.
I knew what I was doing from the beginning I was looking for someone who needed me, someone who would be so grateful for all my "help" that they would never leave me. I just didn't fully look at the choices I was making at the time.
Thank you all who are on here. I value your thoughts & suggestions. I If anyone needs me or has questionsabout this post feel free ttoPM me. I am &wwill always be here for you.
