Grieving Process for Past Wounds? - Al-Anon Family Group

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Grieving Process for Past Wounds?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

WTI I found that in order for me to let go of the pain, sadness, anger , resentment that I held within as part of the "grieving process , it was necessary for me to own it completely share about it and then be ready to ask HP to lift it Then I could be in the true moment and detach.

Good Luck

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Grieving appears to be a process that everyone does or experiences a little different from each other. the most important part of it is acknowledging that is what you are doing and try to be gentle and loving with yourself as you do it.

For me, I had to talk about openly with people I could trust and felt safe with, and I did a whole bunch of writing... just to give myself a break from it banging around 24/7 in my head and heart. Out of me and on paper. Then, sometimes I would take the paper outside to the back yard, and light it with a cigarette lighter and symbolically send it to my Higher Power. Turn it over... I had to turn it over many times, because the pain was bigger than me, so I needed a pretty good tag team partner and my HP is the best to have in my corner during those times.

Please keep coming here and get to some meetings in your community, it will help you greatly.

John

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

It has helped me to picture myself sweeping out the bad stuff in my mind and then even more so to literally put good stuff in there instead. Alanon stuff, good books, hobbies I always wanted to try, physical exercise, try to build new friendships. To try to be the person I always wanted to be and to try to be the kind of person I wanted to be with as a romantic partner helped me when I was grieving over a bad partner.

This idea came to me when my sponsor suggested I make a list of the type of man I wanted in my life as an effort to get over my ex. When I read the list I realized that the list was not so much about who I wanted to be with but it was who I wanted to be as a person and it seemed pretty impossible to be all of that stuff and I admitted to myself I was too lazy to try to be all that, so I took the easier things, the ones that didn't seem so impossible and began to try to be like that, I enjoyed working on me so much that I eventually forgot some of the stuff I was grieving about... hope this helps.. no matter what type of grief your experiencing I am sorry and I care.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the responses WTI. All of it was a part of my grieving process including grieving over that I had repeated mistakes at times when I use to think "I knew better". That grieving was attached to the insanity of my life as an enabler in the disease. I learned and am still learning as much as I can about expectations; realistic ones and fantasy ones also because when I don't have mine met, either one I go to sadness and poor meeeees and the "whys" and such and I grieve. Grieving for me is about loss for me and adds to the sickness I get to feel. After the women of Al-Anon taught me to get in touch with my "female side" which is my emotional person I got to feel grief and grieving on a higher level and then the program taught me compassion and empathy and my grieving became tempered to where I can and will feel sadness for a period of time and then return to more serene feelings. I have used the pencil and paper as John mentions and that is a great tool I have also used the fellowship and my sponsorship and the understanding, empathy and compassion I received was miraculous. Learning how to give and take grace and mercy is also a great tool mixed in with slogans such as "This too will pass" and "God doesn't give me more than I can handle". I will also tantrum when I grieve in powerlessness and while that might not before everyone it works for me. I grieve because I don't have control and control is at times means I get to play HP and have my happiness too. Great post. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone for responding. There is a lot of wisdom here. Something else I'll add that I found works for me is quiet time, just sitting in the dark with God for even 5 min and letting the fears come up and not running or doing anything, just feeling them (hard) and then realizing I'll be ok anyway as a solution comes into my mind for each one.

And letting myself cry a little if it comes up, like for the family I no longer have as this disease has changed us all.

And remembering to breathe whenever I think of it throughout my day.

The other suggestions here were really good to work in too.

Blessings

Flower49 · Senior Member

WorkingThroughIt wrote:
Has anyone else gone through or is going through a grieving process? Did it help? How did you do it?
i am trying to determine whether detaching and staying in the present moment is enough - or to release some of this grief stored up in my body & tissues. I'm probably using the good to stuff it back down. Today I read that detaching isn't enough for some people. Do you believe that?

HI! I have gone through the grieving process with my AH. When he up and left to go to a 1/2 way house without so much as a word, I was angry, hurt and overwhelmed with sadness. I must say it helped me immensely to work through my grief. It helped me to understand my thoughts, feelings, what my part was in the whole addiction mess and allowed me ample time to learn and heal.

I worked through this with the help of a wonderful woman counselor who specialized in working with people in the same situation as me, I talked and cried and whined to the good people of this board and these meetings. I went to face to face meetings. As I started to rise up from the ashes I took on new hobbies such as crocheting. I read anything and everything I could get my hands on as related to addiction. I watched sad movies and a bawled like a baby which cleansed my soul. I found something to laugh about every day and I mean a really good hard belly laugh. I grew closer to my youngest sister. I started a list on the pros and cons of forgiveness. I did my 4th and 5th step. Detaching was a beautiful launching point for me and my healing. I believe that learning to detach saved my sanity, learning to keep my side of the street clean, understand that forgiveness comes in time and coming to understand my defaults and own sickness saved me. Keep coming back, it will help you so much.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

What a great question and opportunity for us all to share and continye our own grieving. . Let me say like you, im a classic, "stuff it and hope it goes away". Sweep it under the rug, bite my tongue, withdraw. . You name it. Recently however i encountered some major isdues at worl which led to a now six month stress induced medical keave and eventual resignation. In that time, ive saught open weekly therapy, finally found some meds to take edge of and processed oh so.much with my sponser. And what i learned, despite years of telling others, as im a counselor by trade, greivung is a long, personal ardous process. For me detachment was only the beginning. My body eventually screamed out enough, in the form of high bp, anxiety attacks, depression and insomnia. I had to OWN IT. . All of it. .Which wasnt easy to do. Married to an alcoholic we get real good at detachng and disengaging but this time, for this toxic work relationship, i realuzed there was more. I had to allow myself to first acknowldege the FULL range of emotions. . Sadness, anxiety, anger, disappointment, betrayal, loss, fear, frustration, embarassment, humiliation. . .You name it. I physical gad to do better. My body was in knots. My panic was running my life. I had to acknowledge the need to even grieve. My sponsor has been wonderful. I process like crazy with her. . Emailing, praying, remembering her words of wisdom. Each day the process is a little less but its still a journey. . Prayers as you work through yours.

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