99% good but we are in that 1% now - Al-Anon Family Group

To be loved · Veteran Member

99% good but we are in that 1% now

karma13 · Senior Member

Welcome Lola
My mentor always says what we focus on grows. I do a gratitude list every day on my significant other. Hes sober two years and has a temper as well. He had a very trying day yesterday and was able to handle it with grace. I would suggest face to face Alanon meetings. Alanon will teach you that you have choices, and that his jealousies,trust issues and feelings are about him and do not reflect on you. I understand the fear of him leaving, I had that fear as well before alanon. Alanon will teach you how to take care of yourself. I had so many sleepless nights worrying, what if he leaves? What if he rages? Etc. I lost a lot of weight, I couldn't eat well and I became obsessed about being perfect so he wouldn't leave. Alanon helped me to learn I have value and I am enough. Alanon will teach you how to separate your feelings from his and keep the focus on yourself. Before Alanon I didn't even know who I was. I was so focused on keeping everyone else happy. There was no room for myself in my life. That has changed.There is nothing you can do for him, but joining Alanon will most likely give you the tools to have a more peaceful relationship with him and a support system you can turn to on the bad days. I owe all the peace and serenity to Alanon and my higher power. It is suggested to attend six face to face meetings before you decide Alanon is right for you. If you don't feel comfortable with a group, try another. There are also meetings right here on Alanon miracles in progress. I know there is one every day at nine eastern time and there is a evening meeting here as well.I don't know the time of that one. Please feel free to post here as well, Alanon is supportive, we understand and you don't have to be alone anymore with the way you feel.

-- Edited by karma13 on Sunday 8th of February 2015 06:40:41 AM

To be loved · Veteran Member

Karma,

Reading the way you felt is everything I feel right now.
I always make sure he and kids are happy first. I don't do anything for me and no one does anything for me!
I had a look at meetings and there is one on tomorrow night, if I can get a babysitter I am going to go.
Thank you for your kind reply.

I can't ever and don't want to ever be without him so I want to be here for him.
I understand it's a mental illness and although he's been sober for 11 years, there are definite mental issues .
If he says he didn't sleep, I wonder if that was my fault. If he says he didn't have a good day I think it must be down to me and I could have done more to make him feel better.
I do absolutely everything for him and I mean everything but feel I owe it somehow cos from
When I got made redundant late last year he's carried me financially and paid all the household bills.
I don't tell anyone of the situation except his sister as she knows he's a recovering alcoholic but I am very loyal but also feel I put my life on hold til he is home so he doesn't get jealous or worried as to my whereabouts etc.
I don't speak to my family so only have his family and a few close friends but none of the friends know so I don't really have anyone to go to!

Thank you again for your kind words xx

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like a domineering sober alcoholic who is good most of the time but has dry drunk spin outs every now and then. The jealousy and hostage taking (ie...no male friends, no facebook) is also not an uncommon thing for wounded alcoholics with baggage (even those sober a long time). I've seen this before. His behavior doesn't concern me so much...it's yours. In reading your share, I wish I could throw him off that pedestal you have him on and put you up on it instead...or better yet...have you find a higher power and put him/her/it on the pedestal. Listen...I learned I had to be my own best friend. I had to be my own advocate. I had to love me and take care of me better than any romantic partner could. I also had to allow some sort of spirituality in my life to take care of me and believe that as well. AFTER doing those things, THEN I can have a proper relationship with another human being. Your share reads like HE is your higher power and that concerns me. He is a flawed human being who is gonna have moody crap days that have nothing to do with you....Alanon does have tools to not take this all so personally. It also has tools to get to the point that you know you will be okay even if the relationship doesn't work out and I'm not saying that's gonna happen. Sounds like there is way more good than bad going on. However, my relationships have gone better and I was happier when I knew I could leave and also when I knew that the person I was with would just let me go if they thought it would make me happier as that is true love....not possessive or jealous or needy.

Lots of folks go into Alanon focused on how to help their alcoholic qualifier and then find out the answer is to change themselves. You are not alone.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Lola, thank you for your honesty and clarity. Those pesky !% ers aww

certainly have a great deal of power and can instantly stir up such negative unwanted feelings such as fear, anger and resentment.

Alcoholism is a chronic , progressive , fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. It affects the person who drinks physically , emotionally and spiritually. We who live with the disease also become affected in the same fashion and need our own program of recovery. AA is the recovery program for the alcoholic and Al-Anon was set up for family members. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number in the white pages.

Even if drinking has stopped for many years that is addressing the physical part of the disease and the emotional and spiritual also must be treated in a recovery program. In order for change to occur.

You sound as I did when I was married to an alcoholic and trying desperately to make it work, keep the peace, and make myself invisible in the process.

Unfortunately, those tools do not work and I found myself at the doors of Al-Anon. I had lost my self-esteem and self-worth and myself and was filled with anger and resentment.

It does not matter if the alcoholic is drinking or not I agree with Karma Al-Anon tools and meetings can help break the isolation caused by living with the disease, offer support and understanding from people who understand his few others can and provide a place to practice new constructive tools to live by.

Please keep coming back here and sharing as that is an important part of recovery. You are not alo

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Lola this is what the disease of alcoholism does it isolates you
From your support sysytem. Dig into to alanon to help you learn
To love and care about yourself again. My dry ah is controlling too
It is a terrible way to live. You destroy your inner self and being,
living With a dry drunk.

You need to learn about alcoholism. Has your bf received any
Help since he became sober? Alcoholics need a lifetime of help
To keep their thinking and brains going in the right direction.
Its Called stinking thinking and king baby syndrome.

First they must be physically sober,then emotionally sober and
finally spiritually sober.Those are very tall orders for an A. They
need to be brutally Honest,learn humility to be teachable, ego
squashing is a reallyTough one for addicts. They must Face
themselves And their demons. The belief is they stop growing
emotionally When the became a drunk or addict. My ah started at 13.

I have been living with a dry drunk for 29 years we are now getting
Divorced. I wish i started Alanon thirty years ago to help me deal with
My A better. My ah has been attending AA for the last three years but
He is still not emotionally or spiritually sober. The addict is alive and
kicking its ugly heels and he is still dry.

We had a fairly good marriage for 18 years but our life changed and
So did he and the last 11 years have been terrible with him and his
Need to control. He took any and all my power away. Theses are very
Sick and malious behaviors. Yes i let him do it because he was being

so nasty and mean. I have been attending alanon for 2+ years it has

helped me tremendously gain myself back and be honest about my AH.

I agree totally with other posters.

-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 8th of February 2015 09:35:23 AM

-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 8th of February 2015 10:25:11 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome and I'm glad you have found us.

Although your guy has been sober for a number of years, it sounds as if he still has many of the problems alcoholics have - and they're not all because of alcohol, many times the problems and the alcohol are both signs of a bigger inner problem. So he's overcome, for the moment, one symptom of that inner problem, but not the others.

Unfortunately we tend to react to abuse the same way we do to alcoholism - we try to control it and take responsibility for it. We figure that if we can just make things good enough, they won't drink, criticize, control or attack us. If they keep doing it, we try harder. And harder. And harder. After a while our lives are bent out of shape and we're changing everything we can in a futile effort to control their crazy behavior. But if any of that worked, we'd know it already. In the meantime, we lose perspective as to what a normal relationship looks like.

I'm afraid the things you've described - cutting people out of your life, deleting your Facebook account, taking responsibility for his moods, and those things - are things that happen in an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter if you had some behavior you're not proud of in a past relationship. A healthy current relationship is one in which each person can trust the other to behave honestly, without prying, checking and controlling. If someone cannot be trusted, the answer is not to pry, check and control - the answer is for the non-truster to leave the relationship. Who would want someone who stays faithful only because they haven't figured out how to be sneaky enough to cheat? In a healthy relationship, both people want to be honest and trustworthy.

Here is a useful article about the signs of an abuser: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-jacobs/early-warning-signs-of-an_b_6009076.html. These two seem especially relevant:

4. He will be very concerned about you. He may get upset if you don't call him back right away or if you come home late. He will say it's because he worries about you. He will start to question who you saw, where you went, and what you were doing. He will mask his control as concern for your well-being. He will start to make decisions for you -- who you spend time with and where you go -- and claim to know what's best for you. Soon, you'll be asking his approval for every decision. Your control over your own life will slip away, as his power and control grows.

5. He will be sweet and caring -- sometimes. He will be the sweet, loving man who everyone else sees, and who you fell in love with. But, sometimes, he will become the man who puts you down, makes you feel guilty, and isolates you. He will make you believe that if you just did something differently, loved him more, or treated him better, he would be that sweet, loving man all the time. You will stay because of your hope for the man you love, but will spend most of your time being controlled by the man who hurts you. Eventually, you won't be able to tell the difference.

In Al-Anon, one saying is "When in doubt, don't." (Unless there is the threat of physical danger.) I think that would apply to having a baby right now. Even though your guy is technically sober - I guess the word would be "dry" - an Al-Anon meeting sounds as if it could be very useful. My guess is that he is so controlling that you'd be worried about his reaction if you went. Maybe you can find one that meets while he's at work. There are online meetings here. If you're very sure he will not be physically abusive, you may want to consider going to one whenever is convenient for you, and just telling him you are going out (or going to a meeting). If he is like many unhealthy partners, he will raise holy heck because he thinks it means he is losing control over you, so that's why you'd want to be sure he's in no danger of reacting physically, and to have some determination going into the situation.

It sounds to me as if the 99% of the time he's great is not entirely 99% of the time (for instance are you on Facebook 99% of the time? Or do you stay off it to please him 100% of the time?) Many abusers can be the sweetest people in the world enough to get their way and get us to agree to be controlled. But it's the rest of the time that really matters.

Hope what I've said has not been upsetting or unpleasant. I do hope you can get to a meeting, or at least read through the threads on this board. A wonderful new serene life is waiting for you. It has worked for so many of us. Please take good care of yourself.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

It does sound like hes displaying the typical alcoholic behaviours minus the alcohol. It can be a type of manipulation to give, give then take away, its a control tactic and seems to be working well for him considering you have closed your fb, moved away dont see friends, now your going to take a job to make life easker for him.

I remember when i was with my ex feeling like an extra in a show that was his life. He had managed to get himself a kind of perfect life for practically nothing in return or very very little while me and the kids tiptoed around to keep his lordship happy. It didnt make for a happy marriage at all, it built resentment and fear in the whole family and it had to end. It did end and now im living the life i only dreamed about. Its not perfect but its free and there is noone in my life deliberately trying to control and sabotage me through their own deep rooted issues. Unless you or he gets some help, i suggest alanon and aa, then it will most likely get worse until it reaches crisis point. These issues dont get better on their own just because we really want it too, it also wont get better by you trying extra extra hard, it will never be enough and will just encourage it to continue.

To be loved · Veteran Member

Hello all,

Thank you for your replies, was in tears reading them!
The good times do outweigh the bad and he goes to Aa and has recently joined a new group recently so I am hoping this helps. However he works away three on and off so only gets those three weeks.
It was as if I could tell this was going to happen due to the procrastination alone. Was only interested in doing anything if I organised it all.

The fb thing well that causes all sorts of trouble in general so I wasn't that fussed about deleting that and the family problems are nothing at all tondo with him they just act like I'm dead and we have absolutely no communication with them at all.
I have been married before and he was a control freAk, this doesn't feel like that but the level of low I feel when he goes all quiet is unreal. Lots a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, can't hold anything in food wise cos tummy is so upset!
I still go out and about with the kids and the kids adore him and he them that's why I find this dry drunk head so rough to handle.
Checking my phone, I have no idea why he does as I've never given him a reason to check it and never would.
I will go to an alanon meeting because I can relate to everything you're all saying and feel better knowing it's not just me.
I think you're all right in that he's dealt with the physical side but not the emotional side. He's never been violent with any of us and I don't think he ever would. Genuinely. It's just these episodes that we need to deal with.
The support I've received on here is immense and I can't thank you all enough.
I honestly keep thinking it's me he's gone off! But to say only four days ago he wants to get married and have more kids and im his life etc then go all dry and abrupt with me makes me think it's the mental illness.
Thank you again for sharing your stories and any more advice, throw it my way! Xx

-- Edited by To be loved on Sunday 8th of February 2015 11:19:43 AM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome To be Loved ((((Hugs)))))

You have had some very good responses and I thank you for your honesty because your post and those responses are helpful to us all.

I have been raised with a belief in equality. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I came to realise how silently and easily an independently minded woman like myself could give up her equality, her right to consideration and peace in her own home. For me it happened without my even noticing and I simply thought that I was making mistakes and must do better. It helped me when I started to focus on my own core values and reviewed how they were doing. I imagined my 15 year old self, what my ambitions were then, and then looked at how I felt now.

I think that 'doing better' is actually listening to my small inner voice when it says 'this is not quite right' and, instead of asking 'how can I make this better for my husband I ask 'how can I make this better for me, and then us.' When I did try to point out my discomfort to my husband I discovered that he could easily argue black was white and ran rings around me so I simply started to take the actions that I needed to take for my well being. I visited friends and family on a regular basis for instance. Every day I do something (usually little things) that is healthy for me and that I can feel proud of when I turn in for the night. After taking care of a dying parent I learnt that however much one wants to be there for someone one has to be there for oneself first so that one has enough power in the tank to give the resources one wants to give.

I have learnt that I have a lot less influence on my husband than I used to imagine. If he does not sleep at night the likelihood is that he is thinking about himself or work, not me. If he want to talk about it he can. I trust him to look after his own well being - that is the most generous gift that I can give. Worrying about him, thinking that I could save him or help him with every little thing was just sending messages that I thought that he couldn't do it on his own. Not a message that I wanted to send!

It was hard for me to compute but it was a huge release when I finally realised that I did not have to make the world perfect for someone else!!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

PS I love that VW camper van lantern!!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to MIP, I am glad you are here and have posted this. I can greatly relate to trying to please my A for all I was worth to no avail and it being really hard on me. Al-anon saved my serenity and sanity, face to face meetings, my sponsor and reading. The books "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie were two great books that helped me to become healthier. Sending you love and support on your journey!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

It does feel like mental illness. They have a disease That can not be
cured but it can be arrested. Learn as much as you Can about alcoholism.

I was preprogramed by my family of origin To find these type of
wounded people. Thats where alanon will help you also facing your truths.
My father was an A that abandonded us and my mother is highly dysfunctional.
I wonder why i fell for a dry alcoholic? I would never have married him
If he was active. That much I do know as my truth and have always said.
Also i really thought we had the disease beat, ignorance on my part.

My ah was often gone five days to a time home for two. It was when
He came home full time that our lives changed totally. He could not
Deal with life being home all the time with nothing to control except
Me. Basically i got kicked out of my own marriage by a dry drunk.
His behaviors kept getting worse and worse. Entitlements,control,
Anger, abuse and on and on.

When he started going to AA he chased needy AA women that
needed his wisdom And help. Not saying your life will play out as
Mine but there are many parralells here.

Alanon ftf meetings will help you heal from within. Dealing with
Alcoholism is too much to do on your own. You Need support of
Others that have walked your path.

To be loved · Veteran Member

Yes it is hard and when he comes out this dry drink spin as someone put it all is back to being well again and the good absolutely outweighs the bad.
I'm hoping And praying with his as and my going to alanon things will get easier?
addiction is a terrible terrible affliction. Xx

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I too have come from many long years of caring only about trying to either cheer my A up and make him happy (impossible) when he was angry or depressed, or alternately trying to cling on to his good moods and try to make them last forever. I believed I was to blame for everything and responsible for his moods and that was a very big burden to carry. And like so many of us here, I devoted so much energy and time to trying to manage his moods and behaviour that i actually ignored myself right out of my own memory! If you had asked me 2 years ago what i wanted or liked, I would have responded with something about my A, if he would only do this, if he would only be this...I had no idea of what i myself wanted or liked and was very uncomfortable answering that question. It was all about him..I would be happy f I could finally make him be permanently happy...life was bad when he was angry and good when he was happy...what a crazy impossible mission I was giving to myself, any wonder I felt exhausted and defeated and unloved.

Al-anon taught me to start leaving him to have his own moods and experiences and consequences (he's a grown man, he's entitled to be and feel whatever he wants even if it is utterly disfunctional and selfish) and to care for myself, not just in a basic way but perhaps in a bit of an extra-caring and generous way because after years of living at the whim of a volatile jeckyl and hyde type man, I really needed and deserved some TLC and there was no-one available to give it to me other than myself, the kind people I met in al-anon and my HP.

So just like you, when I first came to al-anon I was asking the question "how can I make him be happy and nice to me" and now, when he is "being the 1% (with my A it is more like 90%) I dont worry about how to change his mood, I ask myself "how can i make myself secure, serene and comfortable right now?". I am learning a lot about how to give myself the love and security and encourgement that I need instead of trying to get it from a sick alcoholic. It's a wonderful gift and I'm actually finding it a lot easier to appreciate and love his good qualities when they show themselves because I am not depending on him for happiness or stability anymore, so i don't feel resentful when he is being Mr Hyde. It doesn't prevent me from being happy because I know it is NOT about me. I'm just not that powerful!
I hope you can get to some meetings and experience some of the amazing things that take place when we learn to stop living through our A partners and instead live through ourselves.
You are worth it!

To be loved · Veteran Member

Is it possible to have the happily ever after then? If he seeks the help he needs? Xx

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Your happily ever after need not be dependent on what he does or doesn't do. That is a main point in alanon. The power to be happy is within you and your relationship with your hp.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes Lola Provided that you seek recovery for yourself as well.

To be loved · Veteran Member

Thank you! I will absolutely seek the help I need as I do blame myself a lot for his bad days.
I hope he too gets what he needs. As I said he has actually joined a group now so I'm hoping this is the right path.
X

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Lola, you can find happiness with or without him. he could get better, or he could get worse. if he gets worse, you don't want all your happiness hanging on someone that can't return your love, right? if he gets better, great too, I have found that I am happier either way when wife is happy and we get along my happiness still mostly comes from me and HP, that way when it gets bad I don'ts pin out of control.

Well, that's the idea, I'm not so good at it all the time, but the theory is sound I believe!

Glad to hear he is getting some help. This sounds like the kind of thing a good sponsor could help him with. But again, getting and having a sponsor is his business, something you have no control over.

Getting to a meeting. and coming back here, and having an open mind is your best bet!

Kenny

To be loved · Veteran Member

I am very open minded that's for sure!
I think from today alone I have learnt to leave him be and get on with mine and kids day to day activities. Let him come out when he's ready.
I know he's a good person and I love him with my heart and soul! X

Mike12 · Member

As a newcomer to Al-Anon myself, I've heard that I didn't cause it. I can't control it and I can't cure it. Basically, as others have said, working on your own self-care is, somewhat counter-intuitively, the only way you can really help. Though I believe this statement, practicing it is another matter. It's easy to say 'focus on yourself', but it's really hard to do when you're so accustomed to taking care of everyone else even when it's to your own detriment/self-neglect. Here's a checklist of things I am working toward including for myself each day (although I have yet to do them all in a single day!):

6-8 hours sleep

breakfast, lunch, dinner

healthy snacks

Al-Anon meeting

talk with sponsor

open, honest, assertive behaviour/expressed feelings/WIN statements (When you... I feel ____ & ____. I need...)

positive self-talk

meditation/prayer

journal

exercise

leisure activity

personal hygiene

something social

relaxation

family time

healthy self-reward

something fun (non-cerebral)

house chores

recovery reading (e.g., Al-Anon literature)

Good luck with your 1%!

To be loved · Veteran Member

Hi mike,
Thanks for your reply, I manage those on a daily basis just not the al anon as meeting is tomorrow.
Partner is happy I am going and we have had a good talk about things inc this 1%. He is aware of certain aspects of his behaviour and says that is a work in progress.
I haven't told him how this makes me feel yet but I am working on that! My other issues at the moment are what's going on with my dysfunctional family who I don't talk to. I keep having these really vivid dreams where I try and help them but end up losing out on things because I try and help but it's obvious they don't want it. I think these dreams are telling me
To steer well clear of them and keep our kids shielded from this and to attend al anon meetings.
I do feel truly blessed to have my life the way I do and if we keep working on this 1% I know I will be the happiest and luckiest girl.
I am so grateful for my amazing babies, my partner and the life we have but I even said to him I can't be doing it all and he said he knows I am a people pleaser and that's part of the problem!
We are getting a cleaner in when I start this job on Monday so I can take more time
For me and when he comes home we are discussing holidays which we are all in desp need of!
This forum helps big time and hoping tomorrow will also!
Peace and love to all xx

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Great list Mike! I do some every day but definetley not all.

Lola this recovery journey with alanon is about you not him
Or your family. I try to just talk to emotionally healthy and
Good people. I try to keep negative and bad people at bay
They are not helpful to your healing and growing process.

This is an inside job type of thing. You heal from the inside
Out it is often very painful. Most of us were damaged/hurt
From our upbringing then we proceed to find the same type
of partner And the cycle continues.

That is what Alanon is all about YOU! Self care, self love
And self acceptance, with the help,strength and love of your
HP!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.