The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It must be nice to be the fun parent - the one who shows up to play and do all the fun stuff. Not the cleaning, trying to get the kid to clean up after himself, getting homework done, practicing reading which always ends in frustration, and on and on. And since child isnt secure in knowing dad will still love him and want to play with him he only acts out with me. I'm so tired of all this crap and trying to do what is best for the kids and still trying to be sane. AH isn't moving out, he doesn't want to become a part time dad! HA! He is just sober enough to be a parent in the last 10 months, and not 7 days a week, thats just asking way too much. Where was he for the last 6 years, and of course having him move or the kids and I moving would be MY fault, how can I do that to the kids! The hate I felt for him before starting Al-anon is coming back, I don't like him, I don't like being lied to even if it is little things it is still lying! I don't like that he drinks at night once we are all in bed and wondering what he will do and trying to get to the baby first if she wakes up during the night. I'm tired of being so alone. The baby was sick this week and AH offered to stay home - on a day that was convenient to him of course - and it is so sad that I trust her daycare provider more than her father. I need a break but can't leave the kids with him...
I have a plan for moving, it just will be at the end of the school year, 16 weeks away, as I don't see moving twice within less than 6 months is in the kids best interest, its just days like this it seems an eternity away. Then comes the guilt and fear - he isn't abusive, is it that bad to throw 18 years together away, what will this do to the kids, how will I handle holidays separated from the kids, but I can't continue like this.
Sorry for the vent, its been a bad day and bad week and my sponsor is away.
Kerrymom , I do hear you and understand completely all that you have stated. I have felt the same and know the difficult time you are experiencing. I'm glad you do have a sponsor and have had the courage to share here.
The Al-Anon program works differently for each of us, so that when I felt this way, I increased my Al-Anon meetings determined to live one day at a time, refused to project to the future and trusted that HP would guide me to a better way of life.
I also learned not to make any decisions about the future while still in the process. HP's will for each of us is different, and lowly listening to the small voice within, with an open mind will open the door that is meant for you and your family.
The 11th step suggests that we pray for knowledge of HP's will and the power to carry it out. Trust the step. It does work.
Please also keep coming back and sharing the journey.
I understand how you feel. My kids never got the father i wanted for them either, they never really got the mother i wanted to be for them either mind you. Its a difficult situation to be in with small children and an alcoholic husband. Did you manage to read any of the ljterature that helps understand the dynamics and how to cope? 'The dilemma of the alcoholic marriage' might help. The merrygoround called denial was an eye opener for me. These are on the website and are heap to buy. There is help, dont go through this alone if you can help it.x
(((((Kerrymom))))) your share brings back memories as a newbie learning from the fellowship to stay just in the day; the moment often, rather than in the past or the future. It was hard and then I was a newbie and newbieness is rocket science. I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know what alcoholism was and how it affected the lives of everyone it touched. Once I became a 24/hour a day AFG fellow member and an attachment to my HP's robes life started to change for me regardless as the program offered "whether she was drinking and using or not...which including, lying, cheating, stealing and other insane stuff"...my insanity often made her's look like she was just having a "bad hair" day. Staying in the moment with the program "as suggested" is what saved my life and sanity. In support. (((((hugs)))))
